Guess who is procrastinating again! It’s me!
Being a Junior at a school that is full IB is kinda hectic because of the heavy course load and the shift from MYP grading to IB, which is all percentages which I’ve never dealt with before. Instead of reading 14 chapters of Wuthering Heights, picking a topic and 3 sources for my written Spanish assignment, doing 20 math problems and a page reflection on my progress in SL Math, practicing and memorizing 8 measures on piano (which I have never touched in my life, it’s harder than you think) for Music Theory, memorizing 8 songs for 3 choral performances over the next week, or researching how do determine if there are proteins in a solution and performing it, I am writing a new blog post to stop myself from freaking out over how all of this will make or break my future. If I don’t pass, I definitely won’t get into college and it is already hard enough trying to get a job on the world right now.
I wish I didn’t see how much my grades are pushing me off the deep end. I am trying to keep up with everything going on in school and my life and it is killing me. I have to be present in my family and happy at all times or it pisses off my step-dad and he will bitch to my mom who will fight with him over my actions rather than him coming to me with his problems. I have to get all of my work done, make sure my room is clean, exercise, socialize, relax, and sleep. I can’t do it all and right now I am really cracking. My panic attacks and anxiety attacks are becoming more frequent and I don’t know if I can continue to function like this. I am afraid to ask for anxiety meds because is a stigma around mental issues and I’m worried that I will be seen as something broken or tainted because I break down so often over the massiveness of my responsibilities and my future. I don’t want to keep feeling this way but I also don’t want to ask for help with this because people will look at me differently.
Right now my brain has blown a gasket because of all the work I have so I am trying to calm down by writing, but it is just getting worse because the time is slipping away and I still have so much to do. When people say teenagers have it easy, they don’t have any idea what is really going on with our lives.