Month: June 2015

Kick-Off to Summer with Winter Emotions

Hi there!

So today was my last day of Junior year!  Woohoo!  Now I don’t have to deal with staying up until 2am doing homework and instead I can do it because I am binge watching shows on Netflix!

Since I am now a Senior, I have to start working on my Creativity, Action, and Service project (I think I’m gonna design and make flower beds so I can have a garden in my backyard), I have to write and edit my Extended Essay (4,000 words! Yay!), and I have some summer homework in Biology, Theory of Knowledge, and Math.  Though that seems like a lot (at least to me) I have months to do it and still be able to relax.  I think this next school year is gonna be great!  I haven’t been at the top of the school food chain since 5th grade since my school is a middle school and a high school.  I’m gonna be the top dawg that all the middle schoolers look up to!  I promise I won’t yell “BOW DOWN TO ME!” at them, but I can’t promise that the rest of my class won’t.

As it is the last day of school, I treated myself to a birthday party for one of my friends where we went and played laser tag for an hour.  That just made me realize how much I dislike (most of) my friends.  I wish that girls weren’t as catty as they are.  Can’t I go back to second grade when all of my friends were still boys before I met girls?  Like there are these two guys that are really frickin’ cool who play the same kinda video games that I do and all I wanna do is ditch these backstabbing drama queens for a round of Mortal Kombat or Smash Bros.  This isn’t to say that there aren’t cool girls out there, in fact I would LOVE for there to be more girls like that at my school to replace the shitty ones (I’m working on befriending one of them right now, wish me luck!), but those chicks are few and far between.  There are guys out there like this too, hell those guys were my best friends for a while in Freshman year.  Anyways, I am getting WAY too invested in this and need to back off.  NEW TOPIC!

I’m going to my dad’s this weekend where I’m sure he and my stepmom are gonna freak out about how they have such little time left with me before I go off to college.  I understand that they are gonna miss me, but I also understand that I feel like shit when I go over there and most definitely will be visiting my mom more after I go off to college.  Like, I don’t want to be there if I feel like you don’t care about me half the time.  I’m sure my dad doesn’t feel like he makes me feel that way and that is (kinda) no fault of his own, but I don’t want to be there more than I have to.  I don’t want to hurt feelings by speaking up or stopping visiting them all together, so I stay quiet and let myself feel the hurt feelings.  I know, I know, that’s not healthy for me or anything, but I have a very heightened sense of empathy that often triggers my anxiety.  Basically, if I say something to someone about how they are hurting me and they feel hurt because of that, it makes me feel so much worse than if I just kept my mouth shut in the first place.  Woo! Feelings! Emotions!

I would also like to say that I realized exactly how awkward I was when signing yearbooks this year.  I wrote HAGS (Have A Great Summer) in every one and in at least half I wrote “Stay classy, my friend”, “You is p cool/kewl mayne”, the word swagalicious, or some combination of the three.  I am so weird around people it hurts.

Now to contemplate what I will do with my summer.  Tumblr?  Probably Tumblr.


A Little Catch-Up


My life has been a little crazy lately and I haven’t been feeling as up to writing as I should.  I really need to write out a schedule for my blog posts to keep me on track rather than willy-nilly writing whenever I want because that is for children and I am (almost) an adult.  My birthday is in October and I’ll be 18 then, having to start making decisions about what I want to do for the rest of my life when 40 hours of the week I have to ask to go to the bathroom still.  This whole “growing up thing is totally crazy.  I don’t know how you grown ups did it.  If I could, I would just lie in bed on Tumblr all day and listen to music.  A girl can dream…and wish she was Ariel (get it??)

Anyways, what has been going on in my life recently?  A whole lotta shit, that’s what.  Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start) with Memorial Day weekend.  I went on a motorcycle run with my Dad and I was expecting it to be a lot of bonding and stuff for us since we don’t really do that, him being a stoic and closed off dad and me being a teenage girl who has gone through puberty.  We rode on a motorcycle for about 2 1/2 hours into Fossil, Oregon which is kind of in the center of the state.  Friday was really boring because we all just kinda stood around a fire rather than the legal drinkers breaking out their dice and cards to play drinking games (I participate legally with soda).  After I went to bed though, they did start drinking and playing games.  Guess its a buzzkill to bring your underage daughter to a motorcycle rally with a bunch of drinkers.  Shoulda thought that out beforehand.  On Saturday, my stepmom drove up and we hung out all day watching the bike games where people compete in games to get trophies (I won two the first year I went to a run).  That evening, before the real shenanigans began, my stepmom got utterly smashed playing thirteen aces (a dice game) with a couple 21 year-olds.  Due to her drunken state I kinda got pushed aside and sent back to camp.  At this point, my depression and anxiety kicked in saying that I wan’t wanted there and that they don’t need me.  So I went to my tent and cried myself to sleep discreetly.  My dad never checked on me.  Sunday I stayed in my tent studying for my SATs until the afternoon where I finally emerged to get a water bottle then got back in my tent for the rest of the day.  Sunday was not a good day for me.  Monday we packed up and left, only the ride this time took FIVE HOURS because of traffic and car crashes.  I have decided never to go on a run again.  I always get that feeling like I shouldn’t be there because my dad only hangs out with my stepmom and all the other adults are awkward around me because I can’t drink, smoke, or do drugs like they do.  It is a really shitty feeling.  To be honest I went for the experience of riding a motorcycle through Oregon with the hope that my dad would finally pay a little attention to me.

The SATs went pretty well I think.  It scares me that I wasn’t at all nervous for them even though I didn’t study very much.  I hope I get a good score, though it doesn’t really matter since I got a 29 on my ACTs (shameless bragging).

I have a 1200-1600 word essay due tomorrow (partly why I am posting right now).  I don’t like writing essays.  They are so constricting and judge you on your way of thought.  I like the freedom of having a blog because I can write whatever I want and not care what other people think of it or even if people see it.  My blog makes me happy and I’m so much calmer and stable after writing every time.

It’s Finals Week and that is always the worst because I have to pretend like I’ll miss these people or promise that we will meet up over the summer when i know we won’t.  Also comprehensive tests suck.  They are absolutely the worst because I always feel judged, which I guess is kind of the point.  I just don’t like it, the stress me out and give me anxiety.

Anyways, next time you hear from me (or read from me) I’ll be a Senior.  Wish me luck!!