Thinking Makes It Worse

Yellow!

So yesterday my grandpa came into town and will be staying with us for three days before he leaves to visit my two uncles.  He and my aunt, who is 9 years old, wanted to go to the zoo today with my brother and I to have some good family time.  Tobias and I would’ve rather died, but I think we had a pretty good time.  To explain, my mother’s relationship with her father has always been a little rocky and because of that, his relationship with us is similar.  My grandpa has a need to be the one that is giving out advice and insists that he is always right.  Never aggressively, at least with his grandchildren, but the way he speaks makes it seem as if any plans I have for myself in the future are wrong and that he knows exactly what I should do with my life.  Every time he visits he condescendingly says that I should apply myself better so I give myself better opportunities for the future.  I literally go to the most difficult school in the state and I still manage to do pretty well.  He also says that my mother doesn’t have a real job when she works in the child support office for Multnomah County.  Like, he just doesn’t want to see that other people can be successful in ways that he can’t.  It just stresses me and my family out like crazy when he comes to town.  I don’t like it.

I finally made a list of all of the movies I want to use in my Extended Essay! I need some from 1981, but I just don’t know enough about the time period to pick movies that I can analyze for their effect on the female body image and feminism as a whole. I think it is coming together nicely.  I really like my topic and it makes me excited to research it.  I hope that everyone else working on their EE feels the way that I do about their topics because if they didn’t this process would really suck.

I’ve been thinking about my friends a lot lately and the dynamic that we share as a friend group. Really, I just realize how much closer they are to each other than they are to me. I’m curious to the reason for this separation because I feel that I am a very open and charismatic person that many people can enjoy the company of.  Maybe its because I’m not as “experienced” as they are sexually and romantically.  I mean, most of them are no longer “virgins” and the ones that are have provided or been provided with oral sex.  And all of them have had boyfriends or gone on dates.  I’m the only one that has never had a boyfriend or done anything sexual besides on myself.  Because of this social barrier they all think I am the most vanilla person alive and don’t even talk about that kind of stuff in front of me.  For instance, my best friend Edward was discussing an attractive man in a porno that he watched and when I expressed interest in seeing it he said I “wouldn’t understand” and proceeded to invite my friend Sonya to watch it with him later.  I just wish I was more capable of showing my friends the real me because then they would see that I’m not as perfect and bubbly as they all think.  You can see from reading this blog that I am not a freaking ball of sunshine who is basically Snow White, but that is what they all think and it drives me up the fucking wall.  I can’t wait to get out of here, but I’m also worried that the same thing is gonna happen in college.

I think the next post I make is gonna be a little more upbeat than the rest of my posts.  I wanna talk about stuff that makes me happy instead of all the shit that pisses me off or makes me fall into a depression.  That’ll probably be good for me.

-Ali

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