Month: September 2015

My Love Life and It’s Lack of Existence


So let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start). My only successful romantic relationship was when I was seven. His name was Leroy and our moms were best friends. He was nine. He taught me how to dance and how to kiss. Of course that was 10 years ago, but it lasted a while. My mom told me one day that we couldn’t be together anymore and so I broke up with him. It was easy and simple. We still talk to this day, but not as often as we used to.

Then there was Will who was my best friend for a long time until he asked me to be his girlfriend in first grade. We were together for a while until a new girl transferred in and he broke up with me. I was devastated because he was like my first real crush and he threw me aside for a girl that ate cat food for lunch. When they broke up, he started to date her best friend. Finally he left my elementary school and I made new friends.

Skipping ahead a bit, at the end of fifth grade I had the hugest crush on a boy named Dave. He was my best friend, Penny’s, neighbor so I asked her to give him a letter in which I told him how much I liked him and hoped he liked me too. I later realized this is probably the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because he never had even a remote interest in me and my letter was very doting. It is humiliating to this day. The heat of shame rises to my face whenever Penny brings it up.

Then in sixth grade I met a boy named Craig who was an absolute ass. I didn’t realize his douche-ness at the time, instead I thought he was so nice and into me. So I asked him out and he said yes. I then proceeded not to talk to him for the three days we were “dating”. He broke up with me saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Jump ahead to May of seventh grade where my friend Erma told me that Craig said I was the worst mistake he ever made. I was angry and hurt. I then took it out on him by pointing out his bullying of my friend Edward and making him pay for being an asshole.

In eighth grade I met a boy named Harry and we became best friends. We texted every day and he was so sweet and flirty. Over the course of a year and a half, I asked him to dances and on dates multiple times. Every time he turned me down, but I was still delusional and thought he was just shy. Finally I realized he had no interest me and I just stopped talking to him to get over him.

It also helped that I made a new friend, Franklin. We met on the bus freshman year and became besties. I’m still his best friend to this day. I started to like him because he would treat me differently than every other girl he talked to. He was flirtatious and would always stand by my side, literally and figuratively. So it made sense that I thought he was into me. I told him one night and that same night he told me he had started dating Lauren. I was crushed and he stopped talking to me. I thought our friendship was over. Then they broke up and we became friends again. Last year, I got over him and I haven’t liked anyone since.

Recently I’ve been talking a to a guy who is 24. His name is Jason. He is really nice to me and shamelessly flirts with me. It kinda makes me uncomfortable, but I also am kinda into it. He is my stepmom’s half brother so it’s a little weird. It probably won’t pan out at all, but it’s nice to have a feeling of the possibility and someone take interest in me.

I’m kind of an awkward person plus I’m a heavy girl, so high school isn’t exactly the place for me to find a lasting relationship, it would just feel nice. Just gotta remember that I am more than my relationship status until I find my place.


My Social Life is Fucked

Hi darlings,

Ali, you ask, why are you posting today and why is your title so vulgar?  Well, I’m trying to finish a blog post for school on another website and jammin out to some electronic music since there are no lyrics and it helps me focus when a whole pile o’ shit is dumped in my inbox.  Basically, my social group is falling apart.

I know, I know, I always make posts to procrastinate my homework, but this time my life is taking my homework away from me and shoving me into this shit show.  Two weeks ago, just after my final year of this hell hole began, two of my friends got in a fight.  It was over a boy naturally.  Anna and Angela were hanging out one day after school.  Little did they know they were both texting the same boy.  Angela had just gotten out of a bad breakup and wanted to feel companionship with John.  Lemme just say he is NOT the kinda guy you wanna turn to to feel cared for.  He is a douchenozzle and I am the only one that sees the true affect of his asshat ways.  So Angela realizes that she feels some inkling of feelings for John and decided to tell him right out.  He replies with a long message that seemed to be sentimental, until Angela recognized that he wasn’t reacting with the same feelings, but with stronger ones.  Towards Anna.  He said that he was trying to get over her using Angela, but he just couldn’t.  The worst part of it is that Anna knew and was taking it to her advantage.  She told Angela that she hoped that Angela would get John off of her back for a little while until Anna could properly juggle the THREE MEN she had on the hook.  So Angela walked away feeling vulnerable and used by two of the people closest to her.  Then she turned to me because she knew no one else would listen to what she had to say about the incident.  Anna pulled everyone to her side by having all the guys interested and keeping her like minded friends close (that means other manipulative, cheating, morally twisted, teenage girls).

Four days ago, Angela decided that she overreacted (which she didn’t) and wanted to apologize and work out what went wrong with everything.  So she and Anna made up and are back to being the best of friends.  There is still a sense of awkwardness, but that is because both of them are back to flirting shamelessly with John.

There is a new development though.  Today a group of us went to the strip mall and Angela told me of her plans to meet up with John later and hook up since her Friends-With-Benefits relationship just ended.  Angela actually forgot about meeting up with him and her phone had died so I thought we were getting off scott clean and my social circle wouldn’t dissolve.  But no, John showed up anyways and things got “sexual” according to Angela.  She now trusts me not to tell anyone about what happened but I am just so pissed off!  My social life was already in shambles, but now its crumbling around me and its only September!  I have to deal with these people until I graduate in June and I don’t think I can do it with the way everyone seems to be self destructing and trying to launch themselves out of the friend group.  Who am I kidding?  we aren’t friends anymore.  We are just a group of people too caught in formalities to cut off each other.  It is so toxic sometimes I can’t breathe when I am around them.  Someone please get me out of here.


A Few of My Favorite Things

Hi hi!

So I just finished my first day of senior year and it was as I expected it to be.  At my school all the classes are built on a two year curriculum, so I already know most of my teachers and the ones that haven’t taught me before I have seen around the school.  It was basically prep for a test I have Tuesday, prepare for a graded group discussion that will be on Friday, organize these different functions and non-functions, and getting back in the groove with my clique.  Most of whom I couldn’t care less to see after graduation.  All in all, a pretty good kick-start to my final year in high school.

So in my last post I promised my favorite things and that was like a month ago so I feel I should supply.  This one might get a little long folks, cuz I love me alotta stuffs.

Where to start?  Books have always been a major part of my life and as my workload for school steadily grew, I began to use books to escape the terror of my procrastinating (with more procrastinating by reading, I know, I know.  Don’t question my life choices.)  They have always let me feel and experience what I may never have the chance too (and in some cases that is a very good thing.)  My all time favorite book is The Penderwicks by Jeanne Birdsall.  It is meant for like middle schoolers, but it has a warm feeling for me.  There is no HUGE EVIL conflict, its just four sisters who vacation in a cottage on the grounds of a huge-ass estate.  the eldest starts crushing on the gardener and all of them befriend the son of the snooty owner.  It is a book that just makes me smile and forget for a little while.  I absolutely adore the Uglies series by Scott Westerfield.  I have some kinda kink for dystopian novels because every single one I have ever read I have adored, but this one especially.  The main series is 3 books, but there are 2 kinda spin off novels set in the same dystopian world.  Basically, in this world people get an operation when they turn 16 to become pretty.  It is like some serious body modifications, changing bone structure, eye color, height, weight, you name it.  Then you get to live on this island of eternal parties for a few years before you choose and occupation and settle down.  It follows a girl named Tally whose friend Shay runs away with a rebel group.  Tally is refused her operation until she helps the government find the rebels.  It is hecka good.  I also read a lot of original stories (and fanfiction) on Wattpad that are freaking AMAZING so hit me up if you want some recommendations for specific ships or just for a good read cuz I have more than I could count.

I don’t really know what movies to recommend because I feel like I have shitty taste in movies (or so I am told by my loving family and adoring friends).  My favorite movie is Heart and Souls (1993) with Robert Downey Jr. because it discusses death and other heavy topics in a way that made it easy to understand.  Also I adore the “Walk Like A Man” scenes.  Its about 4 people that died in a bus accident and become attatched to a baby (RDJ) and learn that they can use him to tie up loose ends from when they were living.  It’s all about overcoming your fears and being happy with who you are.  I love it.  To keep with the time frame (kind of) I love The Labyrinth (1986) with David Bowie.  The music is awesome and it is all about a girl’s growth and independence.  Basically, she wishes her brother away and the Goblin King takes him to his palace telling Sarah that she has 13 hours to save him before he becomes a goblin.  So she has to make it through the labyrinth to his palace and take her brother back.  It has some good Bowie tunes and Bowie in leggings so you can see the bulge (both a pro and a con, more a con).  If you are looking for a romcom I really love The Decoy Bride (2011) because it gives me goosebumps and butterflies, hardcore.  It is about a couple who are trying to get married, but the bride-to-be is a huge star that everyone loves and she is being followed so she runs away before the ceremony.  To fix this they plan a fake wedding with a stand in (played by Kelly MacDonald),but she accidentally signs the papers and they become legally married.  So she and James (played by David Tennant) try to get out of it and it is SO GOOD.  I think it is still on Netflix…

Music!  My favorite band is Fall Out Boy, but Twenty One Pilots is a close second.  Both are a lot like my personality where the music is very upbeat and happy while the lyrics are more about depression and other darker themes.  I really like My Chemical Romance (r.i.p.) and Panic! at the Disco too because I have grown a taste for alternative rock and they feed the darkness inside me.  My absolute favorite song is a tie between “Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne and “Always” by Blink 182 the former has been my favorite since I was 6 due to it’s rock-ish beat and easy to lip-sync to, but recently I have been obsessed with the latter because of the rock-ish beat and the innate happy feeling I always get.  In fact, I listened to “Always” the moment I got home because I knew it would cheer me up after my first day back in hell.

Welp, this is a post of awesome measures, and I feel a lot better after writing about random things.  It was really helpful in decompressing after today’s craziness and getting back on schedule.  Hope you enjoy and come to find the same joy in this stuff that I do.