Month: December 2015

The Usual Hullabaloo

I feel lost.

My grades for school are slipping, I hate going to my Dad’s, and I am consistently refusing to grow up.

It feels like I’m stuck in place and I don’t have the will to move. It’s absolutely terrifying and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I have an F in Math because I don’t understand anything in that class. Literally every day I am so confused and I don’t want to ask for help because everyone thinks I’m so smart and I don’t want to disappoint them or make them think I’m weak. My teacher is not very helpful because I don’t understand things the way she explains it. I’m getting a tutor again because I hate feeling lost and stupid. I have a B in practically every other class, but I just feel really stupid and useless right now because I’m so confused and stressed and overwhelmed and I feel like I can’t take anymore. I feel like I’m going to explode.

My dad’s has been a little better lately, but I still have really shitty days there. I just feel like he can’t see me and it’s so tiring waiting for that to happen. I work to try and make time with him, but we don’t have the same interests and he is a dipshit trying to explain himself in person. He can communicate well in words because he gets to revise what he says and doesn’t get interrupted by the argument someone else makes, but I need someone who will talk to me and help me to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I need someone who will listen and provide feedback verbally, but instead I get a dad who seems to be emotionally stunted.

I haven’t applied for a scholarship in over a month. I know that that is what I need in order to actually go to college, but it just keeps stressing me out so I keep putting it off. I finally applied to 3/5 colleges on Monday, but I don’t know if I can do more. I just want to sleep and dream that this is all over and not wake up. I just want this stress hell to end.

This whole “writing it out makes you feel better” is bullshit. I feel terrible. Does anyone even care? What’s the point of writing if I feel awful doing it? Shouting into the void? The bottomless Internet? Tell me, oh great one, knower of all, how do I stop myself from fucking myself over?

-Ali