When in the middle of raising your emotions and contentment, sometimes there are bursts where things don’t go so well. That was me during classes a couple days ago.
It started because I stayed up WAY too late the night before watching the original Rocky Horror Picture Show and then watching the new one that Fox did. (When I’m writing this its online for free here.) I still had some homework to do, so I stayed up even later than that. It made me more emotional and sleepy through my classes the next day.
In my P.E. like course, I lost every match so that didn’t do wonders for my self-esteem. Even if I don’t really care about winning, it doesn’t feel nice to lose every time.
Then I had my Women’s Studies class. This is the one I was up late finishing the homework for. We had a different assignment due in class where we had to make art relating to course material. I wrote a poem about my size and being fat. It was really powerful and I am proud of it, but there is a lot of emotion tied up in it and my day had started out a bit iffy already, so I started crying when I read the first line.
The word “fat” still feels dirty in my mouth after so many years of conditioning from the media that it was wrong. Though my family and friends never said it, that just made it feel more taboo because it was unspoken. People often comment that I am not fat when I am, that is just a part of who I am. I’ve accepted it, but it is a whole other thing to say it to others.
It just made me feel really raw and exposed the rest of the day. I am really proud of the poem though, so I’ll leave it here under a read more if you are interested. Please let me know if you want to share it with others because that’d be really cool, but I’d like to know first.