The Tangled, Complicated Mess Called the Heart

Hey hey,

Recently I’ve been thinking about Jason. I mean, yeah, it was kinda messed up that he was talking to a 16-year-old who was 7 years younger than him when you write it on paper, but it was more complicated than that.

When my dad and stepmom got more serious, I started to become pretty close with Lisa so we talked about her family a lot and her connection to them. Jason, in particular, she described as a kind of brother, from a family that took her in when she was young. Or maybe he was her half brother from a past relationship of her mom or dad. I don’t really know. All I knew was that they weren’t fully related and I wasn’t fully related to her either.

As a side note, I’m still really pissed about my stepmom and will probably post more about her eventually.

He just started messaging me one day, in like April of my Sophomore year in high school. It was kinda weird, but I thought he was cute and funny so I was okay with it. No way in a million years did I think he was into me too, so I just enjoyed talking to him. Sometimes it was silly and weird, sometimes it was really deep and a good way for me to talk about my feelings and reflect.

As we talked more, I started to flirt more because I liked the attention and good feelings he gave me by viewing me as an equal and letting me talk. I didn’t see him in person often for whatever reason with my stepmom. I didn’t think he was into me, he just flirted back a little because he was drunk when we would talk at night a lot and that was the pace I set for the conversation.

That happened for two years until June of 2016. We were talking and he brought up a costume I wore that admittedly I looked really hot in. I said that I thought I looked cute. He said he would use a more adult word to describe it. And then I flirted by saying I should wear it more often and he asked if I was trying to get him to look. That’s when I knew he was into me. I was 18 at this point and I figured it was okay. But I felt weird after that. So I said goodnight. Then he messaged me a few weeks later and asked if I was flirting with him because he was flirting with me. That’s when it went to shit. I had talked to my best friend and decided I wasn’t okay with flirting with him. I didn’t have enough (i.e. ANY) experience romantically and I felt like being with someone 7 years older than me might not turn out so well. Plus, it was right after my stepmom left my dad so I felt like starting something to connect our families again would be bad. So I shut it down. I said I was flirting but I didn’t think it should continue. After that, I just shut him down every time he messaged me.

It all culminated in a conversation towards the end of July where he decided we didn’t have much in common, though we had talked for the last two years.

He messaged me a couple weeks ago and asked about school, but I still blew him off.

He was the first person to show attraction towards me that I was also attracted to. Plus he was a really good friend for two years. I miss him. And I’m still attracted to him if I’m being honest. It just sucks that I can’t get over the obstacles of our age difference and the taboo of families.

I still want to talk to him and I still want him in my life, but I burned that bridge and I don’t feel like I can go back. But I still think about what would happen. Maybe if we talked when I’m a couple years older and have had an experience or two. Who knows.

-Ali

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