Body Image

Just Another Lil Update

Hey there,

I’ve been watching a lot of indie films lately and that is giving me an inflated sense of understanding and enlightenment or whatever.  Anyways, I figured this was the right time for a little self reflection.

I reached out to a friend that I had in elementary school.  The way my school worked was that students were separated into only English speaking classes and Spanish Immersion classes.  I started out in English only and was best friends with this group of guys who were the weird kids that people don’t like.  Its kind of a theme throughout my life to befriend the weirdos.  Then I switched to Spanish and kinda stopped hanging out with them.  Anyways, I reached out because I hadn’t really talked to him since I was 8 or so and I have fond memories from the time I spent with him.  So when I messaged him on Facebook, it all seemed to go pretty well until he got very dark and was talking about how he is of no worth to society and I backed out.  I tried again a couple days later but then it felt like he was trying to hit on me or something, talking about wanting the company and embrace of a lover.  Yikes!  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I also saw this guy that reminded me of the 25 year old that I talked to for a really long time and I had a panic attack over it.  I just felt so crazy and overwhelmed about everything.  My boss kind of reminds me of him too, which makes me really uncomfortable whenever he tries to get to know me better.  I’ll talk more about Jason soon, the whole situation with him deserves it’s own post.

I’m still in shock over my stepmom too.  I just haven’t had any closure and it makes it really hard to move past her.  I no longer follow her on social media which helps, but I still avoid where she works and I still get really upset when I think about all the harm she put my family through.  It’s just really tough.

I have a high self esteem when it comes to me as an individual, but I have zip when it comes to what I perceive others to think of me.  I think I am pretty, funny, loyal, and smart, but I don’t think others see me that way at all.  Does that make sense?  I had a talk with a friend from high school recently at like 3 in the morning.  I told her about Jason because I’m still kinda reeling from it, and I said that he is the only person to ever show interest in me that I was also interested in.  She said that I was crazy and that I just don’t see it, but I really don’t think anyone else has seen me as a romantic interest.  I have lots of friends and family that loves me, so I’m okay because I know romantic love isn’t the most important, but it would be nice to have someone to confirm that my self perception is right and I don’t have an inflated sense of who I should be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy at college, but there was this guy I was kinda into and one of my friends was into him too, so obviously he went with her because she is skinny and pretty.  It’s just brought up a lot of feelings that don’t mix well with my contemplative personality after I watch too many indie movies.  I’m in a really good place, it’s just easier to write about sadness, right?

-Ali

Body Image Rant

Today I got my dress for my mom’s wedding.  I’m a little scared.  I am 5’3″ and 190 lbs.  Just from that, I’m sure you can tell that being a teenage girl in this age of media doesn’t help my body image or my self esteem.  I knew that when I got the dress, it probably wasn’t going to fit properly.  I thought that it would be hard to breathe but I would still look really pretty in it.

Nope.

As I was shimmying into the dress, my heart began to beat faster and faster with the suspense of seeing myself in the dress.  I got the straps over my shoulders and reached around to zip it up.  It wouldn’t zip.  Like at all.

So naturally, I started crying on the floor in my room because I fell into hysterics about how I could never fit into the dress and I couldn’t be in my mom’s wedding anymore.

This is the problem with people today.  We are all so insecure about ourselves and so criticizing of others.  It needs to stop.  I know that I personally would benefit from the media not pushing the fact that in order to be average in this world, you have to be skinny.  In reality, a lot of people are overweight.  It makes us feel inadequate, but we also judge other people so they feel it to.  As the saying goes, misery loves company.  We all bring each other down until everyone is at a place where they feel alone and unloved.  This is not true. And if you think or know you are, you aren’t alone.  Ever.  There are plenty of people around the world who are feeling just as alone as you are.  Try to remember that when you get down.  There are 7.6 BILLION people in the world, one of them is bound to feel like you.

That is at least what I try to remember whenever I feel unwanted or fat.  So I’ve made a promise to myself to fit in this damn dress.  I got two months, I think I can do it.  And that is all I need.

-Ali