Rants

My Wicked Stepmother

Heya,

I know that it’s a cheesy title, but I couldn’t think of anything else, okay?

I’m still really angry about my stepmom and my dad’s divorce and I don’t know why.  I mean, I never really dealt with the divorce or how it affects me, so I knew it would catch up with me eventually.  It just sucks that it is overshadowing everything else right now.  It is filling every interaction I have with people around me and I think I just need to talk about it for a little bit to get my head on straight.

Over the course of the last year or so of their marriage, Lisa threatened to leave my dad about once every six weeks.  The first time she just started to pack up her shit without telling him and hid all of the boxes in the garage.  She enlisted his niece to help her without her knowing what was going on.  I didn’t find out about it until my 18th birthday.  I was talking to Jason and he told me she left.  She was back before I knew it, keeping my dad in constant turmoil.

During that year, I was considering opting out of visiting my dad every other weekend because he had seemingly stopped caring about Tobias and I.  I cried every time I was over there because I could feel the lack of love in that house and I thought it was directed at me.  It was awful.  My dad would hide away in his office, playing video games and avoiding the confrontation of his wife.  I thought that it was all my dad’s fault, but it turns out it was the terrible person that is no longer my stepmother.

They almost split for good in April, but my dad didn’t want my stepbrothers to miss out on Disneyland when we went, so they toughed it out for the kids.  Tobias and I spent the whole time trying to keep our stepbrothers out of their way so they could try to work on their marriage.  I spent so little time with my dad that week and so much time being angry about how Lisa had treated him and angry because this was one of the last things I’d get to do with my dad before heading off to college.  Tobias and I felt terrible the entire time and we were separated from the rest of the family because we knew everything about what was going on and we didn’t approve.

It didn’t even matter because she asked for a divorce in May, in the middle of my IB exams, and my dad didn’t want to fight it anymore.  They were both unhappy.  I thought it was my dad’s fault at first, but then I started to get little bits and pieces of information that made me realize that though they both were at fault, she was awful to him.

She had been talking to a guy for a long time while still with my dad.  He found the texts in her phone on accident, including pictures that she sent this guy of herself, assumedly naked.  She said there wasn’t anything to worry about.  He let it go, but then he went to meet her at the bar one day for lunch, half the pizza on the table was gone and the guy was sitting at the bar.  It just kept continuing like that until the divorce after which he saw her in his truck and heard rumors of her having sex with him in a Fred Meyer’s fitting room.

And I mean, yeah, this all hurt, but I am in so much pain over how she treated me.  She is just such a selfish person and that makes it really hard to get over how she treated me.  I feel selfish because I am so focused on how she hurt me and Tobias, but my dad got over the long dead marriage really fast.  He is happy in a new relationship and for some reason that makes it hurt more.  If he can move on, why can’t I?  What is the big deal about a stepdaughter who is going off to college?  Apparently nothing to her.

I wanted for the longest time to go and give her a piece of my mind, but I know I wouldn’t be able to get through it since I still haven’t had any closure and she wouldn’t care at all.  She is such a coward and a selfish person that she would run away and not care about all the pain she caused me.

She was my maternal figure.  She was my friend.  I was her Maid of Honor.  I knew so much about her and I was there for her like she was there for me.  Except she wasn’t there for me.  The whole time she couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of her kids and supporting her husband’s.  She just left me.  She’s gone.

It’s not that I want her back, it’s more like I want closure.  I want her to recognize all the shit she put me through.  I trusted her with my heart which I have a really hard time doing with anyone and she dropped it and ran away.  How could someone do that to another human being?  How could she do that to someone she called her daughter?  And I can’t talk to anyone about it because no one else would understand how I can hate her and miss her and hate myself for missing her all at once.  It’s just a lot for one person to deal with.

I know I’ll get through this, but I just want to be over her already.

-Ali

My Social Life is Fucked

Hi darlings,

Ali, you ask, why are you posting today and why is your title so vulgar?  Well, I’m trying to finish a blog post for school on another website and jammin out to some electronic music since there are no lyrics and it helps me focus when a whole pile o’ shit is dumped in my inbox.  Basically, my social group is falling apart.

I know, I know, I always make posts to procrastinate my homework, but this time my life is taking my homework away from me and shoving me into this shit show.  Two weeks ago, just after my final year of this hell hole began, two of my friends got in a fight.  It was over a boy naturally.  Anna and Angela were hanging out one day after school.  Little did they know they were both texting the same boy.  Angela had just gotten out of a bad breakup and wanted to feel companionship with John.  Lemme just say he is NOT the kinda guy you wanna turn to to feel cared for.  He is a douchenozzle and I am the only one that sees the true affect of his asshat ways.  So Angela realizes that she feels some inkling of feelings for John and decided to tell him right out.  He replies with a long message that seemed to be sentimental, until Angela recognized that he wasn’t reacting with the same feelings, but with stronger ones.  Towards Anna.  He said that he was trying to get over her using Angela, but he just couldn’t.  The worst part of it is that Anna knew and was taking it to her advantage.  She told Angela that she hoped that Angela would get John off of her back for a little while until Anna could properly juggle the THREE MEN she had on the hook.  So Angela walked away feeling vulnerable and used by two of the people closest to her.  Then she turned to me because she knew no one else would listen to what she had to say about the incident.  Anna pulled everyone to her side by having all the guys interested and keeping her like minded friends close (that means other manipulative, cheating, morally twisted, teenage girls).

Four days ago, Angela decided that she overreacted (which she didn’t) and wanted to apologize and work out what went wrong with everything.  So she and Anna made up and are back to being the best of friends.  There is still a sense of awkwardness, but that is because both of them are back to flirting shamelessly with John.

There is a new development though.  Today a group of us went to the strip mall and Angela told me of her plans to meet up with John later and hook up since her Friends-With-Benefits relationship just ended.  Angela actually forgot about meeting up with him and her phone had died so I thought we were getting off scott clean and my social circle wouldn’t dissolve.  But no, John showed up anyways and things got “sexual” according to Angela.  She now trusts me not to tell anyone about what happened but I am just so pissed off!  My social life was already in shambles, but now its crumbling around me and its only September!  I have to deal with these people until I graduate in June and I don’t think I can do it with the way everyone seems to be self destructing and trying to launch themselves out of the friend group.  Who am I kidding?  we aren’t friends anymore.  We are just a group of people too caught in formalities to cut off each other.  It is so toxic sometimes I can’t breathe when I am around them.  Someone please get me out of here.

-Ali

Body Image Rant

Today I got my dress for my mom’s wedding.  I’m a little scared.  I am 5’3″ and 190 lbs.  Just from that, I’m sure you can tell that being a teenage girl in this age of media doesn’t help my body image or my self esteem.  I knew that when I got the dress, it probably wasn’t going to fit properly.  I thought that it would be hard to breathe but I would still look really pretty in it.

Nope.

As I was shimmying into the dress, my heart began to beat faster and faster with the suspense of seeing myself in the dress.  I got the straps over my shoulders and reached around to zip it up.  It wouldn’t zip.  Like at all.

So naturally, I started crying on the floor in my room because I fell into hysterics about how I could never fit into the dress and I couldn’t be in my mom’s wedding anymore.

This is the problem with people today.  We are all so insecure about ourselves and so criticizing of others.  It needs to stop.  I know that I personally would benefit from the media not pushing the fact that in order to be average in this world, you have to be skinny.  In reality, a lot of people are overweight.  It makes us feel inadequate, but we also judge other people so they feel it to.  As the saying goes, misery loves company.  We all bring each other down until everyone is at a place where they feel alone and unloved.  This is not true. And if you think or know you are, you aren’t alone.  Ever.  There are plenty of people around the world who are feeling just as alone as you are.  Try to remember that when you get down.  There are 7.6 BILLION people in the world, one of them is bound to feel like you.

That is at least what I try to remember whenever I feel unwanted or fat.  So I’ve made a promise to myself to fit in this damn dress.  I got two months, I think I can do it.  And that is all I need.

-Ali