School

New Lease on Life at College

Hey,

So in my most recent post I mentioned that college has been going better for me and it has.  If anyone is experiencing or experienced something similar to what I was, I just wanted to give a little advice for what worked in my case.

First of all,  I reached out to someone.  For me it was my mom.  She has always been really supportive of me and accepted that I might take a different path in life than she did.  So when I called because I kept almost crying in class and I felt really isolated, she was there to listen to me and offer guidance that I couldn’t see in my sad haze.  If you can’t reach out to your mom, maybe a close friend, even a stranger could be helpful.  If you need someone and you don’t have anyone, please feel free to reach out to me.  I have a couple social media accounts of mine on my “Find Me” page, so please talk to me if you need someone.

I then made an appointment with a counselor.  On my mom’s suggestion, like I said in my last one and the actual session went really well.  It was nice to have my problems and emotions be validated by a professional and he was really kind and offered solutions.  He made me feel more confident in approaching college life and understanding that it’s what I make of it.  I went back for another session two weeks later because it had already been set up, but it was mostly a “I am doing much better and I don’t think I need to come again because you were really helpful last time” thing.  I highly suggest seeking professional help because it worked really well for me.  For some people that might not be the case and I totally get that, but it is worth a shot if you find a good person to help.

Next is getting used to your own company.  I don’t remember where I heard this, but “College is the time you really get to know yourself, even in the hard times you find out how much you can take on and how strong you really can be.”  I started eating alone and sitting by myself in public.  When you do that, you can see just how many other people are doing the same thing and that can just make you feel better.  I am kind of an extrovert, so it was hard for me to not be around others all the time, but I have learned some great techniques to spend time with myself (i.e. watching Netflix, listening to music, coloring).  It’s really nice to learn more about who I want to be and how that affects my outlook.  Knowing and liking yourself is really important because you spend a lot of time with yourself just one on one.

This next one might not be right or feasible for everyone, but change your environment!  I lived in Poling Hall which is the party hall of campus and it really wasn’t the right fit for me.  I had difficulty sleeping, the people made me feel uncomfortable, and the room just didn’t feel like home.  I decided to move to my friend’s hall because when we would hang out, it just felt right for me.  I couldn’t really put my finger on it (other than the amazing showers), but I moved over and now I am just in a better place of mind.  It feels like a home that pales in  comparison to the real thing, but it is light-years better than the way I felt at Poling.  Even just making a place more cozy can change your emotions and lower your stress levels.  Maybe you can’t move, but try finding something that would make your home space more comfortable for you and see if that makes you feel better.  It worked for me at least!

Really, I am dong so much better.  That first week I felt like I had just jumped in a freezing pool.  Shocked at all the changes in my environment.  Now I’m getting used to the water and swimming around a bit.  College is hard and everyone feels a little lonely, even if they don’t look it.  That doesn’t really help me when I feel that way, but it does when I am out of it.  I hope this helps any of you going through something similar.  Again, please reach out to me if I can help you in any way.  I know what it feels like and I don’t want you to go through it alone.

-Ali

Counseling 

Yo,

So today I went to the Couseling center on campus and had a consultation because of how I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t know if it really helped, but it did make me feel like my problems are insignificant compared to people with real problems. People that were abused at home, people that are suicidal. What is a little anxiety and depression compared to that?

It was only a consultation, but the woman made me feel like my problems weren’t big enough to be seeking help. When I finished talking about this isolation that is eating my insides and the fear that I have of my unknown surroundings, she immediately said “I don’t mean to negate your feelings, but it’s only the first week.” I don’t know about you, but that did not make me feel safe. I just shut down basically and had to sit there while she was setting up my first session and listen to her offer her two cents.

I’m doing this for my mom. She wants me to be successful on campus so she worries when I call home and say that I’m not feeling 100%. I’m meeting an advisor that specializes in first generation college kids later this week and I think that will be more helpful. Her job is to help me stay enrolled on campus and feel more involved. THAT is what I need. I’m really skeptical of this counseling session.

I’m also pissed that I’ll have to miss class. The whole point of me going to college is to learn and I’d rather do that.

I just feel like she was not supportive of me and the issues I’m facing. Yeah, I’m sure that lady has seen a lot of shit,  but she only knows that one part of my person. She doesn’t know my past or why I’m feeling this way. She just thinks it’s first week blues. Oh well. I guess I’ll go.

-Ali

P.S. I wrote this about a month ago, I think its important to my progress to still post it and I’ll make another update post because I’m feeling a lot better and more confident now.  Counseling actually went really good, but I’ll post more about that later.

Big Changes

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, but for some reason WordPress just wasn’t working. It wouldn’t let me save drafts or post anything.

Since my last post, I took a trip to Disneyland, I did my IB exams, my dad and stepmom divorced, I went to Prom and was basically ditched by my best friend/date, graduated high school, and now I am a college student. Oregon State University, baby! Go Beavs!

Disneyland was a lot of fun, I got to hang out with my brother a lot, but my dad and stepmom were having relationship troubles, so he and I got stuck with a stepbrother each, so I didn’t really get to spend a lot of time with my dad. I love all the rides and everything, I just wanted time with my family. At least the ones that I really wanted to be around.

IB exams were stressful as hell and super terrifying. It just kinda thrust me into this state of mind where nothing mattered because I was done. I got pretty depressed the week leading up to my final test because of the schedule I had a whole week between my second to last and last test. That was great. Then I did get my IB Diploma, 26 points!

Then I found out my stepmom had left my dad during the time period of my exams, which put a strain on me to stay focused on studying. She officially moved out Memorial Day Weekend, packed up all her shit and left the house a mess. My dad is doing better now, divorce has been filed for about a month and he has been dating a woman since the beginning of summer. She seems nice, I’ve only met her once though. He is really happy. My dad deserves a win.

I looked absolutely amazing at prom, my best friend Penny and I were easily the prettiest girls there. My other best friend Edward was supposed to be my “date” meaning we were going to match and hang out together the whole time. He ended up dancing with his other friends the whole night and only came up to me at the end to ask if I was ready to leave. Needless to say, I was pissed. It was our last high school dance for goodness sakes! So he apologized, saying that his other friends wouldn’t let him leave, but I don’t buy that. I just hung out with two of my friends that are dating and we had fun. I look back it was a fun night, even if Edward totally ditched me.

Then I graduated high school! That was really stressful. I wasn’t close with many people, but it was hard to say goodbye to those I thought I was close with. I just have a problem where I think I’m close with a person and they don’t think so or they think we’re close and I don’t think so. No one in between so I felt pretty isolated. All summer I spent time with family, getting closer and saying goodbye.

When I moved down to Corvallis for college, it was so hard to say goodbye to my brother and mom. They’ve always been huge supporters of me and what I want to do with my life. Now I’m a week into college and its been really tough. I have made zero friends, my couple friends that go here too have only hung out with me a couple times but mostly are spending time with their new friends, and I’m not the biggest fan of my roommate. She isn’t interested in many of the same things I am and she has a personality that I don’t mesh well with.

I just feel really alone right now. So alone. I don’t know if I can make it another week here. I’m considering asking my mom to come pick me up next weekend because I am just so depressed here. I don’t know how to make friends and I don’t know how to exist on my own here. I’ve always had a large group of friends around me, but now it’s radio silence from everyone. I’ve been distracting myself with TV shows and the like, but what happens when I’ve exhausted those options? Who will I be here? No one knows me and no one seems to want to know me.

People always say that college is the best time of your life, but so far it has been pretty awful. Is it like this for anyone else? Am I the only one that feels like this? Because it sure feels that way. I’ve never felt such daunting loneliness in my life before. It really hurts.

-Ali

World Breaking Apart

Hi there!
So the title of this post is a reference to a poem we read in my English class by Louise Gluck. She is a really good poet if your into that kinda thing. It’s about things falling, breaking, becoming useless. That’s kinda how I feel right now. I’m breaking apart, fracturing into an infinite yet insignificant number of pieces.
I’m over halfway through my Senior year of high school and I feel like I’m finally giving up. It doesn’t feel like I am, but when I look at all the deadlines fast approaching I just kinda sit down and accept my fate of procrastination and not turning things in. Tomorrow I have a part of a HUGE mega-important paper due, but I have forgotten about it for the past week and now I have no want to write it because I know I won’t have it finished. I feel like I’m no longer good enough to go to this school, like I’ve reached my peak academically. That is a terrifying though because I still have four months left till graduation and after that four more years of education. I feel like I’m not fit to continue. I keep comparing myself to other students at my school and thinking that they deserve to be here and go all the places they want to in life, but I am a lazy poser who doesn’t deserve to continue. I am literally procrastinating 5 separate assignments for my classes right now because I have no control over what I do. No will power whatsoever. I am incapable of controlling myself to schedule my workload or my health in any way. I want to be healthy and go to the gym and not eat veggie sticks on the couch till i feel like I’ll puke. I don’t want to feel bad about myself or disassociate, but I can’t control myself.
My mom doesn’t seem to understand that I have these feelings. Whenever I touch on them, she tries to fix it or tell me that everyone feels this way. She tries to soothe, but she only sees the parts I let her see. The parts that I carefully present to see if I can get help. Even right now as she sits at the other end of the couch, thinking I’m doing homework like a good student, like her daughter, focusing on trying to fix her flailing relationship, she doesn’t even see the tears in my eyes as I write this.
At least I have control over that. I can compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings to the point that I don’t even notice it until it’s too late. I put up walls without even knowing anymore. I think that I’m sharing with my friends to the point that I overshare, but they don’t even know half of my pain. I haven’t cried for the last four family deaths and I was really close to all of them. They passed and I never cried. My mom says that it’s me “being the strong family anchor”. But I honestly just don’t feel anything. I forget about it or think of a way I could bring it up to gain support with out looking like I need it. I act as if they were never actually there. That scares me a lot.
I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Maybe it fits my need to be fulfilled and loved and I can pretend that someone out there cares in the quiet and watches as I slowly deteriorate. I know that I use this as a way to share without feeling like I need to hide a part of myself. I can imagine that no one will ever read this just like I can imagine that everyone will read this. So I can feel free to say what I can and need to on my soap box while still having that sense of comfort and well being. The internet is funny like that.
I’d always hoped that somehow, someway, I could reach someone out there that feels like I do, that feels the weight of the world on their smile, that has to fill the cracks in their persona everyday because new ones always seem to show up. Someone that understands my pain without suffocating me.
I suppose I should fake being done with my homework now because a good cry seem to be in order. I don’t like crying, but sometimes it helps and I already feel like I’m about to, so why not?
-Ali

The Usual Hullabaloo

I feel lost.

My grades for school are slipping, I hate going to my Dad’s, and I am consistently refusing to grow up.

It feels like I’m stuck in place and I don’t have the will to move. It’s absolutely terrifying and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I have an F in Math because I don’t understand anything in that class. Literally every day I am so confused and I don’t want to ask for help because everyone thinks I’m so smart and I don’t want to disappoint them or make them think I’m weak. My teacher is not very helpful because I don’t understand things the way she explains it. I’m getting a tutor again because I hate feeling lost and stupid. I have a B in practically every other class, but I just feel really stupid and useless right now because I’m so confused and stressed and overwhelmed and I feel like I can’t take anymore. I feel like I’m going to explode.

My dad’s has been a little better lately, but I still have really shitty days there. I just feel like he can’t see me and it’s so tiring waiting for that to happen. I work to try and make time with him, but we don’t have the same interests and he is a dipshit trying to explain himself in person. He can communicate well in words because he gets to revise what he says and doesn’t get interrupted by the argument someone else makes, but I need someone who will talk to me and help me to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I need someone who will listen and provide feedback verbally, but instead I get a dad who seems to be emotionally stunted.

I haven’t applied for a scholarship in over a month. I know that that is what I need in order to actually go to college, but it just keeps stressing me out so I keep putting it off. I finally applied to 3/5 colleges on Monday, but I don’t know if I can do more. I just want to sleep and dream that this is all over and not wake up. I just want this stress hell to end.

This whole “writing it out makes you feel better” is bullshit. I feel terrible. Does anyone even care? What’s the point of writing if I feel awful doing it? Shouting into the void? The bottomless Internet? Tell me, oh great one, knower of all, how do I stop myself from fucking myself over?

-Ali

My Love Life and It’s Lack of Existence

Howdy!

So let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start). My only successful romantic relationship was when I was seven. His name was Leroy and our moms were best friends. He was nine. He taught me how to dance and how to kiss. Of course that was 10 years ago, but it lasted a while. My mom told me one day that we couldn’t be together anymore and so I broke up with him. It was easy and simple. We still talk to this day, but not as often as we used to.

Then there was Will who was my best friend for a long time until he asked me to be his girlfriend in first grade. We were together for a while until a new girl transferred in and he broke up with me. I was devastated because he was like my first real crush and he threw me aside for a girl that ate cat food for lunch. When they broke up, he started to date her best friend. Finally he left my elementary school and I made new friends.

Skipping ahead a bit, at the end of fifth grade I had the hugest crush on a boy named Dave. He was my best friend, Penny’s, neighbor so I asked her to give him a letter in which I told him how much I liked him and hoped he liked me too. I later realized this is probably the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because he never had even a remote interest in me and my letter was very doting. It is humiliating to this day. The heat of shame rises to my face whenever Penny brings it up.

Then in sixth grade I met a boy named Craig who was an absolute ass. I didn’t realize his douche-ness at the time, instead I thought he was so nice and into me. So I asked him out and he said yes. I then proceeded not to talk to him for the three days we were “dating”. He broke up with me saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Jump ahead to May of seventh grade where my friend Erma told me that Craig said I was the worst mistake he ever made. I was angry and hurt. I then took it out on him by pointing out his bullying of my friend Edward and making him pay for being an asshole.

In eighth grade I met a boy named Harry and we became best friends. We texted every day and he was so sweet and flirty. Over the course of a year and a half, I asked him to dances and on dates multiple times. Every time he turned me down, but I was still delusional and thought he was just shy. Finally I realized he had no interest me and I just stopped talking to him to get over him.

It also helped that I made a new friend, Franklin. We met on the bus freshman year and became besties. I’m still his best friend to this day. I started to like him because he would treat me differently than every other girl he talked to. He was flirtatious and would always stand by my side, literally and figuratively. So it made sense that I thought he was into me. I told him one night and that same night he told me he had started dating Lauren. I was crushed and he stopped talking to me. I thought our friendship was over. Then they broke up and we became friends again. Last year, I got over him and I haven’t liked anyone since.

Recently I’ve been talking a to a guy who is 24. His name is Jason. He is really nice to me and shamelessly flirts with me. It kinda makes me uncomfortable, but I also am kinda into it. He is my stepmom’s half brother so it’s a little weird. It probably won’t pan out at all, but it’s nice to have a feeling of the possibility and someone take interest in me.

I’m kind of an awkward person plus I’m a heavy girl, so high school isn’t exactly the place for me to find a lasting relationship, it would just feel nice. Just gotta remember that I am more than my relationship status until I find my place.

-Ali

A Few of My Favorite Things

Hi hi!

So I just finished my first day of senior year and it was as I expected it to be.  At my school all the classes are built on a two year curriculum, so I already know most of my teachers and the ones that haven’t taught me before I have seen around the school.  It was basically prep for a test I have Tuesday, prepare for a graded group discussion that will be on Friday, organize these different functions and non-functions, and getting back in the groove with my clique.  Most of whom I couldn’t care less to see after graduation.  All in all, a pretty good kick-start to my final year in high school.

So in my last post I promised my favorite things and that was like a month ago so I feel I should supply.  This one might get a little long folks, cuz I love me alotta stuffs.

Where to start?  Books have always been a major part of my life and as my workload for school steadily grew, I began to use books to escape the terror of my procrastinating (with more procrastinating by reading, I know, I know.  Don’t question my life choices.)  They have always let me feel and experience what I may never have the chance too (and in some cases that is a very good thing.)  My all time favorite book is The Penderwicks by Jeanne Birdsall.  It is meant for like middle schoolers, but it has a warm feeling for me.  There is no HUGE EVIL conflict, its just four sisters who vacation in a cottage on the grounds of a huge-ass estate.  the eldest starts crushing on the gardener and all of them befriend the son of the snooty owner.  It is a book that just makes me smile and forget for a little while.  I absolutely adore the Uglies series by Scott Westerfield.  I have some kinda kink for dystopian novels because every single one I have ever read I have adored, but this one especially.  The main series is 3 books, but there are 2 kinda spin off novels set in the same dystopian world.  Basically, in this world people get an operation when they turn 16 to become pretty.  It is like some serious body modifications, changing bone structure, eye color, height, weight, you name it.  Then you get to live on this island of eternal parties for a few years before you choose and occupation and settle down.  It follows a girl named Tally whose friend Shay runs away with a rebel group.  Tally is refused her operation until she helps the government find the rebels.  It is hecka good.  I also read a lot of original stories (and fanfiction) on Wattpad that are freaking AMAZING so hit me up if you want some recommendations for specific ships or just for a good read cuz I have more than I could count.

I don’t really know what movies to recommend because I feel like I have shitty taste in movies (or so I am told by my loving family and adoring friends).  My favorite movie is Heart and Souls (1993) with Robert Downey Jr. because it discusses death and other heavy topics in a way that made it easy to understand.  Also I adore the “Walk Like A Man” scenes.  Its about 4 people that died in a bus accident and become attatched to a baby (RDJ) and learn that they can use him to tie up loose ends from when they were living.  It’s all about overcoming your fears and being happy with who you are.  I love it.  To keep with the time frame (kind of) I love The Labyrinth (1986) with David Bowie.  The music is awesome and it is all about a girl’s growth and independence.  Basically, she wishes her brother away and the Goblin King takes him to his palace telling Sarah that she has 13 hours to save him before he becomes a goblin.  So she has to make it through the labyrinth to his palace and take her brother back.  It has some good Bowie tunes and Bowie in leggings so you can see the bulge (both a pro and a con, more a con).  If you are looking for a romcom I really love The Decoy Bride (2011) because it gives me goosebumps and butterflies, hardcore.  It is about a couple who are trying to get married, but the bride-to-be is a huge star that everyone loves and she is being followed so she runs away before the ceremony.  To fix this they plan a fake wedding with a stand in (played by Kelly MacDonald),but she accidentally signs the papers and they become legally married.  So she and James (played by David Tennant) try to get out of it and it is SO GOOD.  I think it is still on Netflix…

Music!  My favorite band is Fall Out Boy, but Twenty One Pilots is a close second.  Both are a lot like my personality where the music is very upbeat and happy while the lyrics are more about depression and other darker themes.  I really like My Chemical Romance (r.i.p.) and Panic! at the Disco too because I have grown a taste for alternative rock and they feed the darkness inside me.  My absolute favorite song is a tie between “Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne and “Always” by Blink 182 the former has been my favorite since I was 6 due to it’s rock-ish beat and easy to lip-sync to, but recently I have been obsessed with the latter because of the rock-ish beat and the innate happy feeling I always get.  In fact, I listened to “Always” the moment I got home because I knew it would cheer me up after my first day back in hell.

Welp, this is a post of awesome measures, and I feel a lot better after writing about random things.  It was really helpful in decompressing after today’s craziness and getting back on schedule.  Hope you enjoy and come to find the same joy in this stuff that I do.

-Ali