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When You’ve Had a Bad Day

Hi there,

When in the middle of raising your emotions and contentment, sometimes there are bursts where things don’t go so well.  That was me during classes a couple days ago.

It started because I stayed up WAY too late the night before watching the original Rocky Horror Picture Show and then watching the new one that Fox did.  (When I’m writing this its online for free here.)  I still had some homework to do, so I stayed up even later than that.  It made me more emotional and sleepy through my classes the next day.

In my P.E. like course, I lost every match so that didn’t do wonders for my self-esteem. Even if I don’t really care about winning, it doesn’t feel nice to lose every time.

Then I had my Women’s Studies class.  This is the one I was up late finishing the homework for.  We had a different assignment due in class where we had to make art relating to course material.  I wrote a poem about my size and being fat.  It was really powerful and I am proud of it, but there is a lot of emotion tied up in it and my day had started out a bit iffy already, so I started crying when I read the first line.

The word “fat” still feels dirty in my mouth after so many years of conditioning from the media that it was wrong. Though my family and friends never said it, that just made it feel more taboo because it was unspoken.  People often comment that I am not fat when I am, that is just a part of who I am. I’ve accepted it, but it is a whole other thing to say it to others.

It just made me feel really raw and exposed the rest of the day.  I am really proud of the poem though, so I’ll leave it here under a read more if you are interested.  Please let me know if you want to share it with others because that’d be really cool, but I’d like to know first.

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New Lease on Life at College

Hey,

So in my most recent post I mentioned that college has been going better for me and it has.  If anyone is experiencing or experienced something similar to what I was, I just wanted to give a little advice for what worked in my case.

First of all,  I reached out to someone.  For me it was my mom.  She has always been really supportive of me and accepted that I might take a different path in life than she did.  So when I called because I kept almost crying in class and I felt really isolated, she was there to listen to me and offer guidance that I couldn’t see in my sad haze.  If you can’t reach out to your mom, maybe a close friend, even a stranger could be helpful.  If you need someone and you don’t have anyone, please feel free to reach out to me.  I have a couple social media accounts of mine on my “Find Me” page, so please talk to me if you need someone.

I then made an appointment with a counselor.  On my mom’s suggestion, like I said in my last one and the actual session went really well.  It was nice to have my problems and emotions be validated by a professional and he was really kind and offered solutions.  He made me feel more confident in approaching college life and understanding that it’s what I make of it.  I went back for another session two weeks later because it had already been set up, but it was mostly a “I am doing much better and I don’t think I need to come again because you were really helpful last time” thing.  I highly suggest seeking professional help because it worked really well for me.  For some people that might not be the case and I totally get that, but it is worth a shot if you find a good person to help.

Next is getting used to your own company.  I don’t remember where I heard this, but “College is the time you really get to know yourself, even in the hard times you find out how much you can take on and how strong you really can be.”  I started eating alone and sitting by myself in public.  When you do that, you can see just how many other people are doing the same thing and that can just make you feel better.  I am kind of an extrovert, so it was hard for me to not be around others all the time, but I have learned some great techniques to spend time with myself (i.e. watching Netflix, listening to music, coloring).  It’s really nice to learn more about who I want to be and how that affects my outlook.  Knowing and liking yourself is really important because you spend a lot of time with yourself just one on one.

This next one might not be right or feasible for everyone, but change your environment!  I lived in Poling Hall which is the party hall of campus and it really wasn’t the right fit for me.  I had difficulty sleeping, the people made me feel uncomfortable, and the room just didn’t feel like home.  I decided to move to my friend’s hall because when we would hang out, it just felt right for me.  I couldn’t really put my finger on it (other than the amazing showers), but I moved over and now I am just in a better place of mind.  It feels like a home that pales in  comparison to the real thing, but it is light-years better than the way I felt at Poling.  Even just making a place more cozy can change your emotions and lower your stress levels.  Maybe you can’t move, but try finding something that would make your home space more comfortable for you and see if that makes you feel better.  It worked for me at least!

Really, I am dong so much better.  That first week I felt like I had just jumped in a freezing pool.  Shocked at all the changes in my environment.  Now I’m getting used to the water and swimming around a bit.  College is hard and everyone feels a little lonely, even if they don’t look it.  That doesn’t really help me when I feel that way, but it does when I am out of it.  I hope this helps any of you going through something similar.  Again, please reach out to me if I can help you in any way.  I know what it feels like and I don’t want you to go through it alone.

-Ali

Kick-Off to Summer with Winter Emotions

Hi there!

So today was my last day of Junior year!  Woohoo!  Now I don’t have to deal with staying up until 2am doing homework and instead I can do it because I am binge watching shows on Netflix!

Since I am now a Senior, I have to start working on my Creativity, Action, and Service project (I think I’m gonna design and make flower beds so I can have a garden in my backyard), I have to write and edit my Extended Essay (4,000 words! Yay!), and I have some summer homework in Biology, Theory of Knowledge, and Math.  Though that seems like a lot (at least to me) I have months to do it and still be able to relax.  I think this next school year is gonna be great!  I haven’t been at the top of the school food chain since 5th grade since my school is a middle school and a high school.  I’m gonna be the top dawg that all the middle schoolers look up to!  I promise I won’t yell “BOW DOWN TO ME!” at them, but I can’t promise that the rest of my class won’t.

As it is the last day of school, I treated myself to a birthday party for one of my friends where we went and played laser tag for an hour.  That just made me realize how much I dislike (most of) my friends.  I wish that girls weren’t as catty as they are.  Can’t I go back to second grade when all of my friends were still boys before I met girls?  Like there are these two guys that are really frickin’ cool who play the same kinda video games that I do and all I wanna do is ditch these backstabbing drama queens for a round of Mortal Kombat or Smash Bros.  This isn’t to say that there aren’t cool girls out there, in fact I would LOVE for there to be more girls like that at my school to replace the shitty ones (I’m working on befriending one of them right now, wish me luck!), but those chicks are few and far between.  There are guys out there like this too, hell those guys were my best friends for a while in Freshman year.  Anyways, I am getting WAY too invested in this and need to back off.  NEW TOPIC!

I’m going to my dad’s this weekend where I’m sure he and my stepmom are gonna freak out about how they have such little time left with me before I go off to college.  I understand that they are gonna miss me, but I also understand that I feel like shit when I go over there and most definitely will be visiting my mom more after I go off to college.  Like, I don’t want to be there if I feel like you don’t care about me half the time.  I’m sure my dad doesn’t feel like he makes me feel that way and that is (kinda) no fault of his own, but I don’t want to be there more than I have to.  I don’t want to hurt feelings by speaking up or stopping visiting them all together, so I stay quiet and let myself feel the hurt feelings.  I know, I know, that’s not healthy for me or anything, but I have a very heightened sense of empathy that often triggers my anxiety.  Basically, if I say something to someone about how they are hurting me and they feel hurt because of that, it makes me feel so much worse than if I just kept my mouth shut in the first place.  Woo! Feelings! Emotions!

I would also like to say that I realized exactly how awkward I was when signing yearbooks this year.  I wrote HAGS (Have A Great Summer) in every one and in at least half I wrote “Stay classy, my friend”, “You is p cool/kewl mayne”, the word swagalicious, or some combination of the three.  I am so weird around people it hurts.

Now to contemplate what I will do with my summer.  Tumblr?  Probably Tumblr.

-Ali