Worries

Just Another Lil Update

Hey there,

I’ve been watching a lot of indie films lately and that is giving me an inflated sense of understanding and enlightenment or whatever.  Anyways, I figured this was the right time for a little self reflection.

I reached out to a friend that I had in elementary school.  The way my school worked was that students were separated into only English speaking classes and Spanish Immersion classes.  I started out in English only and was best friends with this group of guys who were the weird kids that people don’t like.  Its kind of a theme throughout my life to befriend the weirdos.  Then I switched to Spanish and kinda stopped hanging out with them.  Anyways, I reached out because I hadn’t really talked to him since I was 8 or so and I have fond memories from the time I spent with him.  So when I messaged him on Facebook, it all seemed to go pretty well until he got very dark and was talking about how he is of no worth to society and I backed out.  I tried again a couple days later but then it felt like he was trying to hit on me or something, talking about wanting the company and embrace of a lover.  Yikes!  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I also saw this guy that reminded me of the 25 year old that I talked to for a really long time and I had a panic attack over it.  I just felt so crazy and overwhelmed about everything.  My boss kind of reminds me of him too, which makes me really uncomfortable whenever he tries to get to know me better.  I’ll talk more about Jason soon, the whole situation with him deserves it’s own post.

I’m still in shock over my stepmom too.  I just haven’t had any closure and it makes it really hard to move past her.  I no longer follow her on social media which helps, but I still avoid where she works and I still get really upset when I think about all the harm she put my family through.  It’s just really tough.

I have a high self esteem when it comes to me as an individual, but I have zip when it comes to what I perceive others to think of me.  I think I am pretty, funny, loyal, and smart, but I don’t think others see me that way at all.  Does that make sense?  I had a talk with a friend from high school recently at like 3 in the morning.  I told her about Jason because I’m still kinda reeling from it, and I said that he is the only person to ever show interest in me that I was also interested in.  She said that I was crazy and that I just don’t see it, but I really don’t think anyone else has seen me as a romantic interest.  I have lots of friends and family that loves me, so I’m okay because I know romantic love isn’t the most important, but it would be nice to have someone to confirm that my self perception is right and I don’t have an inflated sense of who I should be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy at college, but there was this guy I was kinda into and one of my friends was into him too, so obviously he went with her because she is skinny and pretty.  It’s just brought up a lot of feelings that don’t mix well with my contemplative personality after I watch too many indie movies.  I’m in a really good place, it’s just easier to write about sadness, right?

-Ali

World Breaking Apart

Hi there!
So the title of this post is a reference to a poem we read in my English class by Louise Gluck. She is a really good poet if your into that kinda thing. It’s about things falling, breaking, becoming useless. That’s kinda how I feel right now. I’m breaking apart, fracturing into an infinite yet insignificant number of pieces.
I’m over halfway through my Senior year of high school and I feel like I’m finally giving up. It doesn’t feel like I am, but when I look at all the deadlines fast approaching I just kinda sit down and accept my fate of procrastination and not turning things in. Tomorrow I have a part of a HUGE mega-important paper due, but I have forgotten about it for the past week and now I have no want to write it because I know I won’t have it finished. I feel like I’m no longer good enough to go to this school, like I’ve reached my peak academically. That is a terrifying though because I still have four months left till graduation and after that four more years of education. I feel like I’m not fit to continue. I keep comparing myself to other students at my school and thinking that they deserve to be here and go all the places they want to in life, but I am a lazy poser who doesn’t deserve to continue. I am literally procrastinating 5 separate assignments for my classes right now because I have no control over what I do. No will power whatsoever. I am incapable of controlling myself to schedule my workload or my health in any way. I want to be healthy and go to the gym and not eat veggie sticks on the couch till i feel like I’ll puke. I don’t want to feel bad about myself or disassociate, but I can’t control myself.
My mom doesn’t seem to understand that I have these feelings. Whenever I touch on them, she tries to fix it or tell me that everyone feels this way. She tries to soothe, but she only sees the parts I let her see. The parts that I carefully present to see if I can get help. Even right now as she sits at the other end of the couch, thinking I’m doing homework like a good student, like her daughter, focusing on trying to fix her flailing relationship, she doesn’t even see the tears in my eyes as I write this.
At least I have control over that. I can compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings to the point that I don’t even notice it until it’s too late. I put up walls without even knowing anymore. I think that I’m sharing with my friends to the point that I overshare, but they don’t even know half of my pain. I haven’t cried for the last four family deaths and I was really close to all of them. They passed and I never cried. My mom says that it’s me “being the strong family anchor”. But I honestly just don’t feel anything. I forget about it or think of a way I could bring it up to gain support with out looking like I need it. I act as if they were never actually there. That scares me a lot.
I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Maybe it fits my need to be fulfilled and loved and I can pretend that someone out there cares in the quiet and watches as I slowly deteriorate. I know that I use this as a way to share without feeling like I need to hide a part of myself. I can imagine that no one will ever read this just like I can imagine that everyone will read this. So I can feel free to say what I can and need to on my soap box while still having that sense of comfort and well being. The internet is funny like that.
I’d always hoped that somehow, someway, I could reach someone out there that feels like I do, that feels the weight of the world on their smile, that has to fill the cracks in their persona everyday because new ones always seem to show up. Someone that understands my pain without suffocating me.
I suppose I should fake being done with my homework now because a good cry seem to be in order. I don’t like crying, but sometimes it helps and I already feel like I’m about to, so why not?
-Ali

Schooltime Blues

Heya

Welp, I still feel like shit so that’s nice.  Everything just feels like it’s cracking and crumbling.

At school, I don’t really have friends. I have two that are actually friends while basically the rest of the people I hang out with are toxic messes.  Then there’s my teachers who I don’t connect with at all.  My mom says it’s because I come off as an independent person, but I think it’s because I’m not noticeable.  I’m kinda in the middle for my grades, I don’t speak out in class unless I’m called on, and I rarely have questions or ask for help.  It seems everyone around me has a close relationship with a teacher as a mentor or someone they can talk to besides their parents or something.  What am I even doing there if I don’t have good interactions with others?  

I feel like the only person that hears me is my mom and even that is rare because I don’t want to seem like a burden to others.  All I want is to have reliable friends and to be close to a teacher so I feel safer at school. 

Instead I just feel like nothing. Like I don’t even matter.

-Ali

The Usual Hullabaloo

I feel lost.

My grades for school are slipping, I hate going to my Dad’s, and I am consistently refusing to grow up.

It feels like I’m stuck in place and I don’t have the will to move. It’s absolutely terrifying and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I have an F in Math because I don’t understand anything in that class. Literally every day I am so confused and I don’t want to ask for help because everyone thinks I’m so smart and I don’t want to disappoint them or make them think I’m weak. My teacher is not very helpful because I don’t understand things the way she explains it. I’m getting a tutor again because I hate feeling lost and stupid. I have a B in practically every other class, but I just feel really stupid and useless right now because I’m so confused and stressed and overwhelmed and I feel like I can’t take anymore. I feel like I’m going to explode.

My dad’s has been a little better lately, but I still have really shitty days there. I just feel like he can’t see me and it’s so tiring waiting for that to happen. I work to try and make time with him, but we don’t have the same interests and he is a dipshit trying to explain himself in person. He can communicate well in words because he gets to revise what he says and doesn’t get interrupted by the argument someone else makes, but I need someone who will talk to me and help me to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I need someone who will listen and provide feedback verbally, but instead I get a dad who seems to be emotionally stunted.

I haven’t applied for a scholarship in over a month. I know that that is what I need in order to actually go to college, but it just keeps stressing me out so I keep putting it off. I finally applied to 3/5 colleges on Monday, but I don’t know if I can do more. I just want to sleep and dream that this is all over and not wake up. I just want this stress hell to end.

This whole “writing it out makes you feel better” is bullshit. I feel terrible. Does anyone even care? What’s the point of writing if I feel awful doing it? Shouting into the void? The bottomless Internet? Tell me, oh great one, knower of all, how do I stop myself from fucking myself over?

-Ali

Family Fun Times

Greetings, fellow traveler!

Welp. My week has been shitty. Starting with my birthday where my mom said that she didn’t want to actively pursue relationships with her family anymore and kinda pushed everyone out and away after my party. Then later that night, Jason spilled the beans that my dad and stepmom, Lisa, were thinking about getting divorced while I could here my mom and stepdad, Gerald, having a screaming match over who knows what downstairs.

The next day I stayed up until 6 in the morning working on my Extended Essay which I need to pass in order to graduate. Then I spent the week in a slump because I was overtired and stressing over my parents romantic lives. I don’t think I or they could survive divorces again. On top of that I was freaking out about college applications and scholarships and money because I definitely need some if I plan to continue my education. Though my mom says not to worry about money, I definitely do because I know she didn’t ask for two kids that need to live and need to have things in order to survive. It is super stressful and I know I just keep adding to it and making it worse on her.

Today, I had to turn in a form for ordering stuff for my graduation. I was still stressed and tired and freaking out over all of the relationships in my life failing. There was a long ass line of other Seniors behind me wanting to turn in their forms. I was hella confused about what was in the form. The guy asked a question and all I heard was “It’ll cost more money.” So I said no and went with the less expensive one without asking anymore questions. Now my mom is super pissed at me because she had a bad day and I did a stupid thing by not telling her that I changed the form because I wasn’t prepared to think that what I kinda wanted cost more than what she had planned. I made a stupid decision that ruined her night and now I am sitting at the dinner table alone while my mom sits in the living room and reads, trying to cry quietly so I don’t fuck up her night more.

How was your week?

-Ali

Life Gets Hectic

Hello!

So it turns out that I am too wide for my original dress that I got as the distributor sent us the wrong size in the first place (whole other heart-breaking, self-esteem-crushing, world of sucky).  Instead, I ordered a shorter version of the same dress in the right size and feel fabulous in it. Boo-yah!

Now, all I have to worry about is all of my friends being upset that they weren’t invited.  So I have to explain that it is a family event and that they aren’t exactly my family.  That was fun.  Then I am worrying about my brother as he has no idea nor the want to figure out what he wants to do with his life.  He is only a Freshman, but he just doesn’t care where his life goes and that is freaking me out.  I don’t want him to turn out like our uncles who are 29 and 31 and are still chilling a like they are teenagers!  I want the best for him and it stressing me out beyond belief.  He is my little brother.  I care about him and stuff.

Then one of my best friends is back with his ex-girlfriend.  They didn’t work out in the first place and that was only a few months ago.  And he acts like he is embarrassed of their relationship, which shows that they are not off to a good start.  He also forgets about everyone and everything when he is dating her.  He won’t talk to any of his friends at school, including me, and that is not healthy.  I just want what’s best for him.

And then there is my father.  As my parents are divorced, I go over to my dad’s house every other weekend so we can “spend time” together.  I say “spend time” because he usually ignores me.  I could understand that if he didn’t spend all of his time playing video games and talking to his new wife, her sister, and his two stepsons.  It’s like my brother and I don’t exist.  I have a heavy course load thanks to the full IB program at my school and I get no work done at his house due to the sheer amount of stuff going on around me.  There are 8-9 people, 2 dogs, 3 lizards, and a cat when I go.  I could better use my time if I was permanently at my mom’s house, but then I would be shutting down my relationship with my father (which is almost nonexistent already).  I don’t know what to do.

As I said before, my course load is heavy too.  Right now, I have to start a 1,000 word essay, practice piano, study for 3 tests, practice math, fill out a form about college visits, start researching for colleges, research the Baroque period of music, finish my mom’s wedding playlist, and freak out about all of the above.

As the title says, life gets hectic.  Sometimes it sucks.  But it does get better.

(Hopefully)

-Ali