Happiness and Fiction

Hi hi

Wow. I am so whiny on here.  I really only feel the need to vent when I am depressed or wallowing in pain.  

I’ve been writing a lot lately and that seems to help. I love writing fiction. It is so much fun to create your own world and make lives for these characters that feel real. 

Right now, I’m house sitting for my stepdad’s friend. That means I’m sitting on the couch, watching romcoms, doing homework, and writing my stories.  One is about a 17 year old girl spending a week in northern Washington and falling in love with a 23 year old (sound familiar?) and the other is a girl who falls in love with her best friend’s step brother.

I come up with these plots when I have dreams about them.  I think I have the original ideas for them written down somewhere…obviously I’ve changed the ideas from the initial dream because dreams are some messed up stuff, with random scene jumps and fuzzy rationales.

The step brother one was based on a dream I had at a water park where he refused to let me change alone.  Meaning I was self conscious and he wanted to console me so I would still hang out with them.  Though that is how the dream started and ended, I won’t include this part until late in my writing because it wouldn’t make sense to jump in there without introduction of characters.

Anyways, I’m really passionate about that right now.  I think I’m pretty okay at writing and I love the idea that someone else could love it and relate to it like I do.

-Ali

World Breaking Apart

Hi there!
So the title of this post is a reference to a poem we read in my English class by Louise Gluck. She is a really good poet if your into that kinda thing. It’s about things falling, breaking, becoming useless. That’s kinda how I feel right now. I’m breaking apart, fracturing into an infinite yet insignificant number of pieces.
I’m over halfway through my Senior year of high school and I feel like I’m finally giving up. It doesn’t feel like I am, but when I look at all the deadlines fast approaching I just kinda sit down and accept my fate of procrastination and not turning things in. Tomorrow I have a part of a HUGE mega-important paper due, but I have forgotten about it for the past week and now I have no want to write it because I know I won’t have it finished. I feel like I’m no longer good enough to go to this school, like I’ve reached my peak academically. That is a terrifying though because I still have four months left till graduation and after that four more years of education. I feel like I’m not fit to continue. I keep comparing myself to other students at my school and thinking that they deserve to be here and go all the places they want to in life, but I am a lazy poser who doesn’t deserve to continue. I am literally procrastinating 5 separate assignments for my classes right now because I have no control over what I do. No will power whatsoever. I am incapable of controlling myself to schedule my workload or my health in any way. I want to be healthy and go to the gym and not eat veggie sticks on the couch till i feel like I’ll puke. I don’t want to feel bad about myself or disassociate, but I can’t control myself.
My mom doesn’t seem to understand that I have these feelings. Whenever I touch on them, she tries to fix it or tell me that everyone feels this way. She tries to soothe, but she only sees the parts I let her see. The parts that I carefully present to see if I can get help. Even right now as she sits at the other end of the couch, thinking I’m doing homework like a good student, like her daughter, focusing on trying to fix her flailing relationship, she doesn’t even see the tears in my eyes as I write this.
At least I have control over that. I can compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings to the point that I don’t even notice it until it’s too late. I put up walls without even knowing anymore. I think that I’m sharing with my friends to the point that I overshare, but they don’t even know half of my pain. I haven’t cried for the last four family deaths and I was really close to all of them. They passed and I never cried. My mom says that it’s me “being the strong family anchor”. But I honestly just don’t feel anything. I forget about it or think of a way I could bring it up to gain support with out looking like I need it. I act as if they were never actually there. That scares me a lot.
I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Maybe it fits my need to be fulfilled and loved and I can pretend that someone out there cares in the quiet and watches as I slowly deteriorate. I know that I use this as a way to share without feeling like I need to hide a part of myself. I can imagine that no one will ever read this just like I can imagine that everyone will read this. So I can feel free to say what I can and need to on my soap box while still having that sense of comfort and well being. The internet is funny like that.
I’d always hoped that somehow, someway, I could reach someone out there that feels like I do, that feels the weight of the world on their smile, that has to fill the cracks in their persona everyday because new ones always seem to show up. Someone that understands my pain without suffocating me.
I suppose I should fake being done with my homework now because a good cry seem to be in order. I don’t like crying, but sometimes it helps and I already feel like I’m about to, so why not?
-Ali

Schooltime Blues

Heya

Welp, I still feel like shit so that’s nice.  Everything just feels like it’s cracking and crumbling.

At school, I don’t really have friends. I have two that are actually friends while basically the rest of the people I hang out with are toxic messes.  Then there’s my teachers who I don’t connect with at all.  My mom says it’s because I come off as an independent person, but I think it’s because I’m not noticeable.  I’m kinda in the middle for my grades, I don’t speak out in class unless I’m called on, and I rarely have questions or ask for help.  It seems everyone around me has a close relationship with a teacher as a mentor or someone they can talk to besides their parents or something.  What am I even doing there if I don’t have good interactions with others?  

I feel like the only person that hears me is my mom and even that is rare because I don’t want to seem like a burden to others.  All I want is to have reliable friends and to be close to a teacher so I feel safer at school. 

Instead I just feel like nothing. Like I don’t even matter.

-Ali

The Usual Hullabaloo

I feel lost.

My grades for school are slipping, I hate going to my Dad’s, and I am consistently refusing to grow up.

It feels like I’m stuck in place and I don’t have the will to move. It’s absolutely terrifying and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I have an F in Math because I don’t understand anything in that class. Literally every day I am so confused and I don’t want to ask for help because everyone thinks I’m so smart and I don’t want to disappoint them or make them think I’m weak. My teacher is not very helpful because I don’t understand things the way she explains it. I’m getting a tutor again because I hate feeling lost and stupid. I have a B in practically every other class, but I just feel really stupid and useless right now because I’m so confused and stressed and overwhelmed and I feel like I can’t take anymore. I feel like I’m going to explode.

My dad’s has been a little better lately, but I still have really shitty days there. I just feel like he can’t see me and it’s so tiring waiting for that to happen. I work to try and make time with him, but we don’t have the same interests and he is a dipshit trying to explain himself in person. He can communicate well in words because he gets to revise what he says and doesn’t get interrupted by the argument someone else makes, but I need someone who will talk to me and help me to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I need someone who will listen and provide feedback verbally, but instead I get a dad who seems to be emotionally stunted.

I haven’t applied for a scholarship in over a month. I know that that is what I need in order to actually go to college, but it just keeps stressing me out so I keep putting it off. I finally applied to 3/5 colleges on Monday, but I don’t know if I can do more. I just want to sleep and dream that this is all over and not wake up. I just want this stress hell to end.

This whole “writing it out makes you feel better” is bullshit. I feel terrible. Does anyone even care? What’s the point of writing if I feel awful doing it? Shouting into the void? The bottomless Internet? Tell me, oh great one, knower of all, how do I stop myself from fucking myself over?

-Ali

It’s a Family Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown!

Hello and welcome!

Today is Thanksgiving, a day where we are supposed to appreciate all that we are given in life.  Instead of this gracious warmth that we are supposed to enjoy, I am sitting in the corner of a house full of people that I don’t know.

My grandma died in June of last year and she always hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas when I was at my dad’s.  So the last two years my cousin has hosted at her house. With her whole baby daddy’s family.  So now my brother Tobias and I are sitting in the corner all awkward surrounded by a bunch of sketchy people that are all drunk, high, or both that my dad and paternal stepfamily know, but we don’t.

I just feel left out and that’s a really shitty thing to feel on a day that has always meant being around family for me.  I’m compensating by writing my college essays and updating my blog to try and vent my sadness.  Happy Thanksgiving.

-Ali

Family Fun Times

Greetings, fellow traveler!

Welp. My week has been shitty. Starting with my birthday where my mom said that she didn’t want to actively pursue relationships with her family anymore and kinda pushed everyone out and away after my party. Then later that night, Jason spilled the beans that my dad and stepmom, Lisa, were thinking about getting divorced while I could here my mom and stepdad, Gerald, having a screaming match over who knows what downstairs.

The next day I stayed up until 6 in the morning working on my Extended Essay which I need to pass in order to graduate. Then I spent the week in a slump because I was overtired and stressing over my parents romantic lives. I don’t think I or they could survive divorces again. On top of that I was freaking out about college applications and scholarships and money because I definitely need some if I plan to continue my education. Though my mom says not to worry about money, I definitely do because I know she didn’t ask for two kids that need to live and need to have things in order to survive. It is super stressful and I know I just keep adding to it and making it worse on her.

Today, I had to turn in a form for ordering stuff for my graduation. I was still stressed and tired and freaking out over all of the relationships in my life failing. There was a long ass line of other Seniors behind me wanting to turn in their forms. I was hella confused about what was in the form. The guy asked a question and all I heard was “It’ll cost more money.” So I said no and went with the less expensive one without asking anymore questions. Now my mom is super pissed at me because she had a bad day and I did a stupid thing by not telling her that I changed the form because I wasn’t prepared to think that what I kinda wanted cost more than what she had planned. I made a stupid decision that ruined her night and now I am sitting at the dinner table alone while my mom sits in the living room and reads, trying to cry quietly so I don’t fuck up her night more.

How was your week?

-Ali

My Love Life and It’s Lack of Existence

Howdy!

So let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start). My only successful romantic relationship was when I was seven. His name was Leroy and our moms were best friends. He was nine. He taught me how to dance and how to kiss. Of course that was 10 years ago, but it lasted a while. My mom told me one day that we couldn’t be together anymore and so I broke up with him. It was easy and simple. We still talk to this day, but not as often as we used to.

Then there was Will who was my best friend for a long time until he asked me to be his girlfriend in first grade. We were together for a while until a new girl transferred in and he broke up with me. I was devastated because he was like my first real crush and he threw me aside for a girl that ate cat food for lunch. When they broke up, he started to date her best friend. Finally he left my elementary school and I made new friends.

Skipping ahead a bit, at the end of fifth grade I had the hugest crush on a boy named Dave. He was my best friend, Penny’s, neighbor so I asked her to give him a letter in which I told him how much I liked him and hoped he liked me too. I later realized this is probably the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because he never had even a remote interest in me and my letter was very doting. It is humiliating to this day. The heat of shame rises to my face whenever Penny brings it up.

Then in sixth grade I met a boy named Craig who was an absolute ass. I didn’t realize his douche-ness at the time, instead I thought he was so nice and into me. So I asked him out and he said yes. I then proceeded not to talk to him for the three days we were “dating”. He broke up with me saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Jump ahead to May of seventh grade where my friend Erma told me that Craig said I was the worst mistake he ever made. I was angry and hurt. I then took it out on him by pointing out his bullying of my friend Edward and making him pay for being an asshole.

In eighth grade I met a boy named Harry and we became best friends. We texted every day and he was so sweet and flirty. Over the course of a year and a half, I asked him to dances and on dates multiple times. Every time he turned me down, but I was still delusional and thought he was just shy. Finally I realized he had no interest me and I just stopped talking to him to get over him.

It also helped that I made a new friend, Franklin. We met on the bus freshman year and became besties. I’m still his best friend to this day. I started to like him because he would treat me differently than every other girl he talked to. He was flirtatious and would always stand by my side, literally and figuratively. So it made sense that I thought he was into me. I told him one night and that same night he told me he had started dating Lauren. I was crushed and he stopped talking to me. I thought our friendship was over. Then they broke up and we became friends again. Last year, I got over him and I haven’t liked anyone since.

Recently I’ve been talking a to a guy who is 24. His name is Jason. He is really nice to me and shamelessly flirts with me. It kinda makes me uncomfortable, but I also am kinda into it. He is my stepmom’s half brother so it’s a little weird. It probably won’t pan out at all, but it’s nice to have a feeling of the possibility and someone take interest in me.

I’m kind of an awkward person plus I’m a heavy girl, so high school isn’t exactly the place for me to find a lasting relationship, it would just feel nice. Just gotta remember that I am more than my relationship status until I find my place.

-Ali