anxiety

Counseling 

Yo,

So today I went to the Couseling center on campus and had a consultation because of how I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t know if it really helped, but it did make me feel like my problems are insignificant compared to people with real problems. People that were abused at home, people that are suicidal. What is a little anxiety and depression compared to that?

It was only a consultation, but the woman made me feel like my problems weren’t big enough to be seeking help. When I finished talking about this isolation that is eating my insides and the fear that I have of my unknown surroundings, she immediately said “I don’t mean to negate your feelings, but it’s only the first week.” I don’t know about you, but that did not make me feel safe. I just shut down basically and had to sit there while she was setting up my first session and listen to her offer her two cents.

I’m doing this for my mom. She wants me to be successful on campus so she worries when I call home and say that I’m not feeling 100%. I’m meeting an advisor that specializes in first generation college kids later this week and I think that will be more helpful. Her job is to help me stay enrolled on campus and feel more involved. THAT is what I need. I’m really skeptical of this counseling session.

I’m also pissed that I’ll have to miss class. The whole point of me going to college is to learn and I’d rather do that.

I just feel like she was not supportive of me and the issues I’m facing. Yeah, I’m sure that lady has seen a lot of shit,  but she only knows that one part of my person. She doesn’t know my past or why I’m feeling this way. She just thinks it’s first week blues. Oh well. I guess I’ll go.

-Ali

P.S. I wrote this about a month ago, I think its important to my progress to still post it and I’ll make another update post because I’m feeling a lot better and more confident now.  Counseling actually went really good, but I’ll post more about that later.

Big Changes

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, but for some reason WordPress just wasn’t working. It wouldn’t let me save drafts or post anything.

Since my last post, I took a trip to Disneyland, I did my IB exams, my dad and stepmom divorced, I went to Prom and was basically ditched by my best friend/date, graduated high school, and now I am a college student. Oregon State University, baby! Go Beavs!

Disneyland was a lot of fun, I got to hang out with my brother a lot, but my dad and stepmom were having relationship troubles, so he and I got stuck with a stepbrother each, so I didn’t really get to spend a lot of time with my dad. I love all the rides and everything, I just wanted time with my family. At least the ones that I really wanted to be around.

IB exams were stressful as hell and super terrifying. It just kinda thrust me into this state of mind where nothing mattered because I was done. I got pretty depressed the week leading up to my final test because of the schedule I had a whole week between my second to last and last test. That was great. Then I did get my IB Diploma, 26 points!

Then I found out my stepmom had left my dad during the time period of my exams, which put a strain on me to stay focused on studying. She officially moved out Memorial Day Weekend, packed up all her shit and left the house a mess. My dad is doing better now, divorce has been filed for about a month and he has been dating a woman since the beginning of summer. She seems nice, I’ve only met her once though. He is really happy. My dad deserves a win.

I looked absolutely amazing at prom, my best friend Penny and I were easily the prettiest girls there. My other best friend Edward was supposed to be my “date” meaning we were going to match and hang out together the whole time. He ended up dancing with his other friends the whole night and only came up to me at the end to ask if I was ready to leave. Needless to say, I was pissed. It was our last high school dance for goodness sakes! So he apologized, saying that his other friends wouldn’t let him leave, but I don’t buy that. I just hung out with two of my friends that are dating and we had fun. I look back it was a fun night, even if Edward totally ditched me.

Then I graduated high school! That was really stressful. I wasn’t close with many people, but it was hard to say goodbye to those I thought I was close with. I just have a problem where I think I’m close with a person and they don’t think so or they think we’re close and I don’t think so. No one in between so I felt pretty isolated. All summer I spent time with family, getting closer and saying goodbye.

When I moved down to Corvallis for college, it was so hard to say goodbye to my brother and mom. They’ve always been huge supporters of me and what I want to do with my life. Now I’m a week into college and its been really tough. I have made zero friends, my couple friends that go here too have only hung out with me a couple times but mostly are spending time with their new friends, and I’m not the biggest fan of my roommate. She isn’t interested in many of the same things I am and she has a personality that I don’t mesh well with.

I just feel really alone right now. So alone. I don’t know if I can make it another week here. I’m considering asking my mom to come pick me up next weekend because I am just so depressed here. I don’t know how to make friends and I don’t know how to exist on my own here. I’ve always had a large group of friends around me, but now it’s radio silence from everyone. I’ve been distracting myself with TV shows and the like, but what happens when I’ve exhausted those options? Who will I be here? No one knows me and no one seems to want to know me.

People always say that college is the best time of your life, but so far it has been pretty awful. Is it like this for anyone else? Am I the only one that feels like this? Because it sure feels that way. I’ve never felt such daunting loneliness in my life before. It really hurts.

-Ali

World Breaking Apart

Hi there!
So the title of this post is a reference to a poem we read in my English class by Louise Gluck. She is a really good poet if your into that kinda thing. It’s about things falling, breaking, becoming useless. That’s kinda how I feel right now. I’m breaking apart, fracturing into an infinite yet insignificant number of pieces.
I’m over halfway through my Senior year of high school and I feel like I’m finally giving up. It doesn’t feel like I am, but when I look at all the deadlines fast approaching I just kinda sit down and accept my fate of procrastination and not turning things in. Tomorrow I have a part of a HUGE mega-important paper due, but I have forgotten about it for the past week and now I have no want to write it because I know I won’t have it finished. I feel like I’m no longer good enough to go to this school, like I’ve reached my peak academically. That is a terrifying though because I still have four months left till graduation and after that four more years of education. I feel like I’m not fit to continue. I keep comparing myself to other students at my school and thinking that they deserve to be here and go all the places they want to in life, but I am a lazy poser who doesn’t deserve to continue. I am literally procrastinating 5 separate assignments for my classes right now because I have no control over what I do. No will power whatsoever. I am incapable of controlling myself to schedule my workload or my health in any way. I want to be healthy and go to the gym and not eat veggie sticks on the couch till i feel like I’ll puke. I don’t want to feel bad about myself or disassociate, but I can’t control myself.
My mom doesn’t seem to understand that I have these feelings. Whenever I touch on them, she tries to fix it or tell me that everyone feels this way. She tries to soothe, but she only sees the parts I let her see. The parts that I carefully present to see if I can get help. Even right now as she sits at the other end of the couch, thinking I’m doing homework like a good student, like her daughter, focusing on trying to fix her flailing relationship, she doesn’t even see the tears in my eyes as I write this.
At least I have control over that. I can compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings to the point that I don’t even notice it until it’s too late. I put up walls without even knowing anymore. I think that I’m sharing with my friends to the point that I overshare, but they don’t even know half of my pain. I haven’t cried for the last four family deaths and I was really close to all of them. They passed and I never cried. My mom says that it’s me “being the strong family anchor”. But I honestly just don’t feel anything. I forget about it or think of a way I could bring it up to gain support with out looking like I need it. I act as if they were never actually there. That scares me a lot.
I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Maybe it fits my need to be fulfilled and loved and I can pretend that someone out there cares in the quiet and watches as I slowly deteriorate. I know that I use this as a way to share without feeling like I need to hide a part of myself. I can imagine that no one will ever read this just like I can imagine that everyone will read this. So I can feel free to say what I can and need to on my soap box while still having that sense of comfort and well being. The internet is funny like that.
I’d always hoped that somehow, someway, I could reach someone out there that feels like I do, that feels the weight of the world on their smile, that has to fill the cracks in their persona everyday because new ones always seem to show up. Someone that understands my pain without suffocating me.
I suppose I should fake being done with my homework now because a good cry seem to be in order. I don’t like crying, but sometimes it helps and I already feel like I’m about to, so why not?
-Ali

Family Fun Times

Greetings, fellow traveler!

Welp. My week has been shitty. Starting with my birthday where my mom said that she didn’t want to actively pursue relationships with her family anymore and kinda pushed everyone out and away after my party. Then later that night, Jason spilled the beans that my dad and stepmom, Lisa, were thinking about getting divorced while I could here my mom and stepdad, Gerald, having a screaming match over who knows what downstairs.

The next day I stayed up until 6 in the morning working on my Extended Essay which I need to pass in order to graduate. Then I spent the week in a slump because I was overtired and stressing over my parents romantic lives. I don’t think I or they could survive divorces again. On top of that I was freaking out about college applications and scholarships and money because I definitely need some if I plan to continue my education. Though my mom says not to worry about money, I definitely do because I know she didn’t ask for two kids that need to live and need to have things in order to survive. It is super stressful and I know I just keep adding to it and making it worse on her.

Today, I had to turn in a form for ordering stuff for my graduation. I was still stressed and tired and freaking out over all of the relationships in my life failing. There was a long ass line of other Seniors behind me wanting to turn in their forms. I was hella confused about what was in the form. The guy asked a question and all I heard was “It’ll cost more money.” So I said no and went with the less expensive one without asking anymore questions. Now my mom is super pissed at me because she had a bad day and I did a stupid thing by not telling her that I changed the form because I wasn’t prepared to think that what I kinda wanted cost more than what she had planned. I made a stupid decision that ruined her night and now I am sitting at the dinner table alone while my mom sits in the living room and reads, trying to cry quietly so I don’t fuck up her night more.

How was your week?

-Ali

My Social Life is Fucked

Hi darlings,

Ali, you ask, why are you posting today and why is your title so vulgar?  Well, I’m trying to finish a blog post for school on another website and jammin out to some electronic music since there are no lyrics and it helps me focus when a whole pile o’ shit is dumped in my inbox.  Basically, my social group is falling apart.

I know, I know, I always make posts to procrastinate my homework, but this time my life is taking my homework away from me and shoving me into this shit show.  Two weeks ago, just after my final year of this hell hole began, two of my friends got in a fight.  It was over a boy naturally.  Anna and Angela were hanging out one day after school.  Little did they know they were both texting the same boy.  Angela had just gotten out of a bad breakup and wanted to feel companionship with John.  Lemme just say he is NOT the kinda guy you wanna turn to to feel cared for.  He is a douchenozzle and I am the only one that sees the true affect of his asshat ways.  So Angela realizes that she feels some inkling of feelings for John and decided to tell him right out.  He replies with a long message that seemed to be sentimental, until Angela recognized that he wasn’t reacting with the same feelings, but with stronger ones.  Towards Anna.  He said that he was trying to get over her using Angela, but he just couldn’t.  The worst part of it is that Anna knew and was taking it to her advantage.  She told Angela that she hoped that Angela would get John off of her back for a little while until Anna could properly juggle the THREE MEN she had on the hook.  So Angela walked away feeling vulnerable and used by two of the people closest to her.  Then she turned to me because she knew no one else would listen to what she had to say about the incident.  Anna pulled everyone to her side by having all the guys interested and keeping her like minded friends close (that means other manipulative, cheating, morally twisted, teenage girls).

Four days ago, Angela decided that she overreacted (which she didn’t) and wanted to apologize and work out what went wrong with everything.  So she and Anna made up and are back to being the best of friends.  There is still a sense of awkwardness, but that is because both of them are back to flirting shamelessly with John.

There is a new development though.  Today a group of us went to the strip mall and Angela told me of her plans to meet up with John later and hook up since her Friends-With-Benefits relationship just ended.  Angela actually forgot about meeting up with him and her phone had died so I thought we were getting off scott clean and my social circle wouldn’t dissolve.  But no, John showed up anyways and things got “sexual” according to Angela.  She now trusts me not to tell anyone about what happened but I am just so pissed off!  My social life was already in shambles, but now its crumbling around me and its only September!  I have to deal with these people until I graduate in June and I don’t think I can do it with the way everyone seems to be self destructing and trying to launch themselves out of the friend group.  Who am I kidding?  we aren’t friends anymore.  We are just a group of people too caught in formalities to cut off each other.  It is so toxic sometimes I can’t breathe when I am around them.  Someone please get me out of here.

-Ali

A Little Catch-Up

Heyo!

My life has been a little crazy lately and I haven’t been feeling as up to writing as I should.  I really need to write out a schedule for my blog posts to keep me on track rather than willy-nilly writing whenever I want because that is for children and I am (almost) an adult.  My birthday is in October and I’ll be 18 then, having to start making decisions about what I want to do for the rest of my life when 40 hours of the week I have to ask to go to the bathroom still.  This whole “growing up thing is totally crazy.  I don’t know how you grown ups did it.  If I could, I would just lie in bed on Tumblr all day and listen to music.  A girl can dream…and wish she was Ariel (get it??)

Anyways, what has been going on in my life recently?  A whole lotta shit, that’s what.  Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start) with Memorial Day weekend.  I went on a motorcycle run with my Dad and I was expecting it to be a lot of bonding and stuff for us since we don’t really do that, him being a stoic and closed off dad and me being a teenage girl who has gone through puberty.  We rode on a motorcycle for about 2 1/2 hours into Fossil, Oregon which is kind of in the center of the state.  Friday was really boring because we all just kinda stood around a fire rather than the legal drinkers breaking out their dice and cards to play drinking games (I participate legally with soda).  After I went to bed though, they did start drinking and playing games.  Guess its a buzzkill to bring your underage daughter to a motorcycle rally with a bunch of drinkers.  Shoulda thought that out beforehand.  On Saturday, my stepmom drove up and we hung out all day watching the bike games where people compete in games to get trophies (I won two the first year I went to a run).  That evening, before the real shenanigans began, my stepmom got utterly smashed playing thirteen aces (a dice game) with a couple 21 year-olds.  Due to her drunken state I kinda got pushed aside and sent back to camp.  At this point, my depression and anxiety kicked in saying that I wan’t wanted there and that they don’t need me.  So I went to my tent and cried myself to sleep discreetly.  My dad never checked on me.  Sunday I stayed in my tent studying for my SATs until the afternoon where I finally emerged to get a water bottle then got back in my tent for the rest of the day.  Sunday was not a good day for me.  Monday we packed up and left, only the ride this time took FIVE HOURS because of traffic and car crashes.  I have decided never to go on a run again.  I always get that feeling like I shouldn’t be there because my dad only hangs out with my stepmom and all the other adults are awkward around me because I can’t drink, smoke, or do drugs like they do.  It is a really shitty feeling.  To be honest I went for the experience of riding a motorcycle through Oregon with the hope that my dad would finally pay a little attention to me.

The SATs went pretty well I think.  It scares me that I wasn’t at all nervous for them even though I didn’t study very much.  I hope I get a good score, though it doesn’t really matter since I got a 29 on my ACTs (shameless bragging).

I have a 1200-1600 word essay due tomorrow (partly why I am posting right now).  I don’t like writing essays.  They are so constricting and judge you on your way of thought.  I like the freedom of having a blog because I can write whatever I want and not care what other people think of it or even if people see it.  My blog makes me happy and I’m so much calmer and stable after writing every time.

It’s Finals Week and that is always the worst because I have to pretend like I’ll miss these people or promise that we will meet up over the summer when i know we won’t.  Also comprehensive tests suck.  They are absolutely the worst because I always feel judged, which I guess is kind of the point.  I just don’t like it, the stress me out and give me anxiety.

Anyways, next time you hear from me (or read from me) I’ll be a Senior.  Wish me luck!!

-Ali