dad

My Wicked Stepmother

Heya,

I know that it’s a cheesy title, but I couldn’t think of anything else, okay?

I’m still really angry about my stepmom and my dad’s divorce and I don’t know why.  I mean, I never really dealt with the divorce or how it affects me, so I knew it would catch up with me eventually.  It just sucks that it is overshadowing everything else right now.  It is filling every interaction I have with people around me and I think I just need to talk about it for a little bit to get my head on straight.

Over the course of the last year or so of their marriage, Lisa threatened to leave my dad about once every six weeks.  The first time she just started to pack up her shit without telling him and hid all of the boxes in the garage.  She enlisted his niece to help her without her knowing what was going on.  I didn’t find out about it until my 18th birthday.  I was talking to Jason and he told me she left.  She was back before I knew it, keeping my dad in constant turmoil.

During that year, I was considering opting out of visiting my dad every other weekend because he had seemingly stopped caring about Tobias and I.  I cried every time I was over there because I could feel the lack of love in that house and I thought it was directed at me.  It was awful.  My dad would hide away in his office, playing video games and avoiding the confrontation of his wife.  I thought that it was all my dad’s fault, but it turns out it was the terrible person that is no longer my stepmother.

They almost split for good in April, but my dad didn’t want my stepbrothers to miss out on Disneyland when we went, so they toughed it out for the kids.  Tobias and I spent the whole time trying to keep our stepbrothers out of their way so they could try to work on their marriage.  I spent so little time with my dad that week and so much time being angry about how Lisa had treated him and angry because this was one of the last things I’d get to do with my dad before heading off to college.  Tobias and I felt terrible the entire time and we were separated from the rest of the family because we knew everything about what was going on and we didn’t approve.

It didn’t even matter because she asked for a divorce in May, in the middle of my IB exams, and my dad didn’t want to fight it anymore.  They were both unhappy.  I thought it was my dad’s fault at first, but then I started to get little bits and pieces of information that made me realize that though they both were at fault, she was awful to him.

She had been talking to a guy for a long time while still with my dad.  He found the texts in her phone on accident, including pictures that she sent this guy of herself, assumedly naked.  She said there wasn’t anything to worry about.  He let it go, but then he went to meet her at the bar one day for lunch, half the pizza on the table was gone and the guy was sitting at the bar.  It just kept continuing like that until the divorce after which he saw her in his truck and heard rumors of her having sex with him in a Fred Meyer’s fitting room.

And I mean, yeah, this all hurt, but I am in so much pain over how she treated me.  She is just such a selfish person and that makes it really hard to get over how she treated me.  I feel selfish because I am so focused on how she hurt me and Tobias, but my dad got over the long dead marriage really fast.  He is happy in a new relationship and for some reason that makes it hurt more.  If he can move on, why can’t I?  What is the big deal about a stepdaughter who is going off to college?  Apparently nothing to her.

I wanted for the longest time to go and give her a piece of my mind, but I know I wouldn’t be able to get through it since I still haven’t had any closure and she wouldn’t care at all.  She is such a coward and a selfish person that she would run away and not care about all the pain she caused me.

She was my maternal figure.  She was my friend.  I was her Maid of Honor.  I knew so much about her and I was there for her like she was there for me.  Except she wasn’t there for me.  The whole time she couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of her kids and supporting her husband’s.  She just left me.  She’s gone.

It’s not that I want her back, it’s more like I want closure.  I want her to recognize all the shit she put me through.  I trusted her with my heart which I have a really hard time doing with anyone and she dropped it and ran away.  How could someone do that to another human being?  How could she do that to someone she called her daughter?  And I can’t talk to anyone about it because no one else would understand how I can hate her and miss her and hate myself for missing her all at once.  It’s just a lot for one person to deal with.

I know I’ll get through this, but I just want to be over her already.

-Ali

Big Changes

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, but for some reason WordPress just wasn’t working. It wouldn’t let me save drafts or post anything.

Since my last post, I took a trip to Disneyland, I did my IB exams, my dad and stepmom divorced, I went to Prom and was basically ditched by my best friend/date, graduated high school, and now I am a college student. Oregon State University, baby! Go Beavs!

Disneyland was a lot of fun, I got to hang out with my brother a lot, but my dad and stepmom were having relationship troubles, so he and I got stuck with a stepbrother each, so I didn’t really get to spend a lot of time with my dad. I love all the rides and everything, I just wanted time with my family. At least the ones that I really wanted to be around.

IB exams were stressful as hell and super terrifying. It just kinda thrust me into this state of mind where nothing mattered because I was done. I got pretty depressed the week leading up to my final test because of the schedule I had a whole week between my second to last and last test. That was great. Then I did get my IB Diploma, 26 points!

Then I found out my stepmom had left my dad during the time period of my exams, which put a strain on me to stay focused on studying. She officially moved out Memorial Day Weekend, packed up all her shit and left the house a mess. My dad is doing better now, divorce has been filed for about a month and he has been dating a woman since the beginning of summer. She seems nice, I’ve only met her once though. He is really happy. My dad deserves a win.

I looked absolutely amazing at prom, my best friend Penny and I were easily the prettiest girls there. My other best friend Edward was supposed to be my “date” meaning we were going to match and hang out together the whole time. He ended up dancing with his other friends the whole night and only came up to me at the end to ask if I was ready to leave. Needless to say, I was pissed. It was our last high school dance for goodness sakes! So he apologized, saying that his other friends wouldn’t let him leave, but I don’t buy that. I just hung out with two of my friends that are dating and we had fun. I look back it was a fun night, even if Edward totally ditched me.

Then I graduated high school! That was really stressful. I wasn’t close with many people, but it was hard to say goodbye to those I thought I was close with. I just have a problem where I think I’m close with a person and they don’t think so or they think we’re close and I don’t think so. No one in between so I felt pretty isolated. All summer I spent time with family, getting closer and saying goodbye.

When I moved down to Corvallis for college, it was so hard to say goodbye to my brother and mom. They’ve always been huge supporters of me and what I want to do with my life. Now I’m a week into college and its been really tough. I have made zero friends, my couple friends that go here too have only hung out with me a couple times but mostly are spending time with their new friends, and I’m not the biggest fan of my roommate. She isn’t interested in many of the same things I am and she has a personality that I don’t mesh well with.

I just feel really alone right now. So alone. I don’t know if I can make it another week here. I’m considering asking my mom to come pick me up next weekend because I am just so depressed here. I don’t know how to make friends and I don’t know how to exist on my own here. I’ve always had a large group of friends around me, but now it’s radio silence from everyone. I’ve been distracting myself with TV shows and the like, but what happens when I’ve exhausted those options? Who will I be here? No one knows me and no one seems to want to know me.

People always say that college is the best time of your life, but so far it has been pretty awful. Is it like this for anyone else? Am I the only one that feels like this? Because it sure feels that way. I’ve never felt such daunting loneliness in my life before. It really hurts.

-Ali

The Usual Hullabaloo

I feel lost.

My grades for school are slipping, I hate going to my Dad’s, and I am consistently refusing to grow up.

It feels like I’m stuck in place and I don’t have the will to move. It’s absolutely terrifying and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I have an F in Math because I don’t understand anything in that class. Literally every day I am so confused and I don’t want to ask for help because everyone thinks I’m so smart and I don’t want to disappoint them or make them think I’m weak. My teacher is not very helpful because I don’t understand things the way she explains it. I’m getting a tutor again because I hate feeling lost and stupid. I have a B in practically every other class, but I just feel really stupid and useless right now because I’m so confused and stressed and overwhelmed and I feel like I can’t take anymore. I feel like I’m going to explode.

My dad’s has been a little better lately, but I still have really shitty days there. I just feel like he can’t see me and it’s so tiring waiting for that to happen. I work to try and make time with him, but we don’t have the same interests and he is a dipshit trying to explain himself in person. He can communicate well in words because he gets to revise what he says and doesn’t get interrupted by the argument someone else makes, but I need someone who will talk to me and help me to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I need someone who will listen and provide feedback verbally, but instead I get a dad who seems to be emotionally stunted.

I haven’t applied for a scholarship in over a month. I know that that is what I need in order to actually go to college, but it just keeps stressing me out so I keep putting it off. I finally applied to 3/5 colleges on Monday, but I don’t know if I can do more. I just want to sleep and dream that this is all over and not wake up. I just want this stress hell to end.

This whole “writing it out makes you feel better” is bullshit. I feel terrible. Does anyone even care? What’s the point of writing if I feel awful doing it? Shouting into the void? The bottomless Internet? Tell me, oh great one, knower of all, how do I stop myself from fucking myself over?

-Ali

Random Thoughts

Hi-dii ho!

Guess who is wasting away her summer! No shit, it’s me. I should be watching movies for my EE and doing my Biology homework, but instead I have been doing nothing. I honestly have no idea what I have been doing with the past two months of my life. Like, I got my wisdom teeth out in June and I am kinda really sick right now, but what the hell have I been doing with my time? Seriously, it’s making me anxious thinking about all the work I have left and want to finish before I start school up again in the fall.

Surprisingly, I haven’t spent a lot of time at my dad’s house, but I’m still trying to interact with him outside of my (required by law) time there. Like asking for his help when I want to do something technological, since that is his area of expertise or if I wanna watch one of his favorite movies. He just keeps blowing me off though and I don’t really feel like trying anymore. He feels like we have a good relationship and I don’t, but at this point I don’t really care about having my biological father be a good father figure as I have some kickass uncles and a pretty good stepdad. Some people don’t even get one good father figure while I have so many, so I’m okay with having an emotionally distant biological pops.

I decided that I’m gonna do a scavenger hunt for my CAS (Creativity, Action, and Service) project where all of the items are activities for the participants to use as activities for their own CAS portfolios. I think it’ll be fun and an easy way to knock out some reflections and hours that we all need for CAS. The whole idea behind CAS is to make IB students well-rounded people, but instead it just adds more stress to the daily life of a student instead of making them a more diverse person. Oh well, I’ll get through it.

I like writing in a blog. It helps me focus my emotions and let’s me be myself because no one I know in person can read this. I mean, they can, but I really hope they don’t because then I have to restrict myself like I do on my social media accounts and off the internet. Being a writing-expressive person in a world where you are always connected to the people you know kinda sucks because I don’t get to be me and share my thoughts without being judged by friends and family. That’s why I like this blog. It’s my dirty little secret.

-Ali

A Little Catch-Up

Heyo!

My life has been a little crazy lately and I haven’t been feeling as up to writing as I should.  I really need to write out a schedule for my blog posts to keep me on track rather than willy-nilly writing whenever I want because that is for children and I am (almost) an adult.  My birthday is in October and I’ll be 18 then, having to start making decisions about what I want to do for the rest of my life when 40 hours of the week I have to ask to go to the bathroom still.  This whole “growing up thing is totally crazy.  I don’t know how you grown ups did it.  If I could, I would just lie in bed on Tumblr all day and listen to music.  A girl can dream…and wish she was Ariel (get it??)

Anyways, what has been going on in my life recently?  A whole lotta shit, that’s what.  Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start) with Memorial Day weekend.  I went on a motorcycle run with my Dad and I was expecting it to be a lot of bonding and stuff for us since we don’t really do that, him being a stoic and closed off dad and me being a teenage girl who has gone through puberty.  We rode on a motorcycle for about 2 1/2 hours into Fossil, Oregon which is kind of in the center of the state.  Friday was really boring because we all just kinda stood around a fire rather than the legal drinkers breaking out their dice and cards to play drinking games (I participate legally with soda).  After I went to bed though, they did start drinking and playing games.  Guess its a buzzkill to bring your underage daughter to a motorcycle rally with a bunch of drinkers.  Shoulda thought that out beforehand.  On Saturday, my stepmom drove up and we hung out all day watching the bike games where people compete in games to get trophies (I won two the first year I went to a run).  That evening, before the real shenanigans began, my stepmom got utterly smashed playing thirteen aces (a dice game) with a couple 21 year-olds.  Due to her drunken state I kinda got pushed aside and sent back to camp.  At this point, my depression and anxiety kicked in saying that I wan’t wanted there and that they don’t need me.  So I went to my tent and cried myself to sleep discreetly.  My dad never checked on me.  Sunday I stayed in my tent studying for my SATs until the afternoon where I finally emerged to get a water bottle then got back in my tent for the rest of the day.  Sunday was not a good day for me.  Monday we packed up and left, only the ride this time took FIVE HOURS because of traffic and car crashes.  I have decided never to go on a run again.  I always get that feeling like I shouldn’t be there because my dad only hangs out with my stepmom and all the other adults are awkward around me because I can’t drink, smoke, or do drugs like they do.  It is a really shitty feeling.  To be honest I went for the experience of riding a motorcycle through Oregon with the hope that my dad would finally pay a little attention to me.

The SATs went pretty well I think.  It scares me that I wasn’t at all nervous for them even though I didn’t study very much.  I hope I get a good score, though it doesn’t really matter since I got a 29 on my ACTs (shameless bragging).

I have a 1200-1600 word essay due tomorrow (partly why I am posting right now).  I don’t like writing essays.  They are so constricting and judge you on your way of thought.  I like the freedom of having a blog because I can write whatever I want and not care what other people think of it or even if people see it.  My blog makes me happy and I’m so much calmer and stable after writing every time.

It’s Finals Week and that is always the worst because I have to pretend like I’ll miss these people or promise that we will meet up over the summer when i know we won’t.  Also comprehensive tests suck.  They are absolutely the worst because I always feel judged, which I guess is kind of the point.  I just don’t like it, the stress me out and give me anxiety.

Anyways, next time you hear from me (or read from me) I’ll be a Senior.  Wish me luck!!

-Ali