Family

New Lease on Life at College

Hey,

So in my most recent post I mentioned that college has been going better for me and it has.  If anyone is experiencing or experienced something similar to what I was, I just wanted to give a little advice for what worked in my case.

First of all,  I reached out to someone.  For me it was my mom.  She has always been really supportive of me and accepted that I might take a different path in life than she did.  So when I called because I kept almost crying in class and I felt really isolated, she was there to listen to me and offer guidance that I couldn’t see in my sad haze.  If you can’t reach out to your mom, maybe a close friend, even a stranger could be helpful.  If you need someone and you don’t have anyone, please feel free to reach out to me.  I have a couple social media accounts of mine on my “Find Me” page, so please talk to me if you need someone.

I then made an appointment with a counselor.  On my mom’s suggestion, like I said in my last one and the actual session went really well.  It was nice to have my problems and emotions be validated by a professional and he was really kind and offered solutions.  He made me feel more confident in approaching college life and understanding that it’s what I make of it.  I went back for another session two weeks later because it had already been set up, but it was mostly a “I am doing much better and I don’t think I need to come again because you were really helpful last time” thing.  I highly suggest seeking professional help because it worked really well for me.  For some people that might not be the case and I totally get that, but it is worth a shot if you find a good person to help.

Next is getting used to your own company.  I don’t remember where I heard this, but “College is the time you really get to know yourself, even in the hard times you find out how much you can take on and how strong you really can be.”  I started eating alone and sitting by myself in public.  When you do that, you can see just how many other people are doing the same thing and that can just make you feel better.  I am kind of an extrovert, so it was hard for me to not be around others all the time, but I have learned some great techniques to spend time with myself (i.e. watching Netflix, listening to music, coloring).  It’s really nice to learn more about who I want to be and how that affects my outlook.  Knowing and liking yourself is really important because you spend a lot of time with yourself just one on one.

This next one might not be right or feasible for everyone, but change your environment!  I lived in Poling Hall which is the party hall of campus and it really wasn’t the right fit for me.  I had difficulty sleeping, the people made me feel uncomfortable, and the room just didn’t feel like home.  I decided to move to my friend’s hall because when we would hang out, it just felt right for me.  I couldn’t really put my finger on it (other than the amazing showers), but I moved over and now I am just in a better place of mind.  It feels like a home that pales in  comparison to the real thing, but it is light-years better than the way I felt at Poling.  Even just making a place more cozy can change your emotions and lower your stress levels.  Maybe you can’t move, but try finding something that would make your home space more comfortable for you and see if that makes you feel better.  It worked for me at least!

Really, I am dong so much better.  That first week I felt like I had just jumped in a freezing pool.  Shocked at all the changes in my environment.  Now I’m getting used to the water and swimming around a bit.  College is hard and everyone feels a little lonely, even if they don’t look it.  That doesn’t really help me when I feel that way, but it does when I am out of it.  I hope this helps any of you going through something similar.  Again, please reach out to me if I can help you in any way.  I know what it feels like and I don’t want you to go through it alone.

-Ali

Big Changes

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, but for some reason WordPress just wasn’t working. It wouldn’t let me save drafts or post anything.

Since my last post, I took a trip to Disneyland, I did my IB exams, my dad and stepmom divorced, I went to Prom and was basically ditched by my best friend/date, graduated high school, and now I am a college student. Oregon State University, baby! Go Beavs!

Disneyland was a lot of fun, I got to hang out with my brother a lot, but my dad and stepmom were having relationship troubles, so he and I got stuck with a stepbrother each, so I didn’t really get to spend a lot of time with my dad. I love all the rides and everything, I just wanted time with my family. At least the ones that I really wanted to be around.

IB exams were stressful as hell and super terrifying. It just kinda thrust me into this state of mind where nothing mattered because I was done. I got pretty depressed the week leading up to my final test because of the schedule I had a whole week between my second to last and last test. That was great. Then I did get my IB Diploma, 26 points!

Then I found out my stepmom had left my dad during the time period of my exams, which put a strain on me to stay focused on studying. She officially moved out Memorial Day Weekend, packed up all her shit and left the house a mess. My dad is doing better now, divorce has been filed for about a month and he has been dating a woman since the beginning of summer. She seems nice, I’ve only met her once though. He is really happy. My dad deserves a win.

I looked absolutely amazing at prom, my best friend Penny and I were easily the prettiest girls there. My other best friend Edward was supposed to be my “date” meaning we were going to match and hang out together the whole time. He ended up dancing with his other friends the whole night and only came up to me at the end to ask if I was ready to leave. Needless to say, I was pissed. It was our last high school dance for goodness sakes! So he apologized, saying that his other friends wouldn’t let him leave, but I don’t buy that. I just hung out with two of my friends that are dating and we had fun. I look back it was a fun night, even if Edward totally ditched me.

Then I graduated high school! That was really stressful. I wasn’t close with many people, but it was hard to say goodbye to those I thought I was close with. I just have a problem where I think I’m close with a person and they don’t think so or they think we’re close and I don’t think so. No one in between so I felt pretty isolated. All summer I spent time with family, getting closer and saying goodbye.

When I moved down to Corvallis for college, it was so hard to say goodbye to my brother and mom. They’ve always been huge supporters of me and what I want to do with my life. Now I’m a week into college and its been really tough. I have made zero friends, my couple friends that go here too have only hung out with me a couple times but mostly are spending time with their new friends, and I’m not the biggest fan of my roommate. She isn’t interested in many of the same things I am and she has a personality that I don’t mesh well with.

I just feel really alone right now. So alone. I don’t know if I can make it another week here. I’m considering asking my mom to come pick me up next weekend because I am just so depressed here. I don’t know how to make friends and I don’t know how to exist on my own here. I’ve always had a large group of friends around me, but now it’s radio silence from everyone. I’ve been distracting myself with TV shows and the like, but what happens when I’ve exhausted those options? Who will I be here? No one knows me and no one seems to want to know me.

People always say that college is the best time of your life, but so far it has been pretty awful. Is it like this for anyone else? Am I the only one that feels like this? Because it sure feels that way. I’ve never felt such daunting loneliness in my life before. It really hurts.

-Ali

Schooltime Blues

Heya

Welp, I still feel like shit so that’s nice.  Everything just feels like it’s cracking and crumbling.

At school, I don’t really have friends. I have two that are actually friends while basically the rest of the people I hang out with are toxic messes.  Then there’s my teachers who I don’t connect with at all.  My mom says it’s because I come off as an independent person, but I think it’s because I’m not noticeable.  I’m kinda in the middle for my grades, I don’t speak out in class unless I’m called on, and I rarely have questions or ask for help.  It seems everyone around me has a close relationship with a teacher as a mentor or someone they can talk to besides their parents or something.  What am I even doing there if I don’t have good interactions with others?  

I feel like the only person that hears me is my mom and even that is rare because I don’t want to seem like a burden to others.  All I want is to have reliable friends and to be close to a teacher so I feel safer at school. 

Instead I just feel like nothing. Like I don’t even matter.

-Ali