Big Changes

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, but for some reason WordPress just wasn’t working. It wouldn’t let me save drafts or post anything.

Since my last post, I took a trip to Disneyland, I did my IB exams, my dad and stepmom divorced, I went to Prom and was basically ditched by my best friend/date, graduated high school, and now I am a college student. Oregon State University, baby! Go Beavs!

Disneyland was a lot of fun, I got to hang out with my brother a lot, but my dad and stepmom were having relationship troubles, so he and I got stuck with a stepbrother each, so I didn’t really get to spend a lot of time with my dad. I love all the rides and everything, I just wanted time with my family. At least the ones that I really wanted to be around.

IB exams were stressful as hell and super terrifying. It just kinda thrust me into this state of mind where nothing mattered because I was done. I got pretty depressed the week leading up to my final test because of the schedule I had a whole week between my second to last and last test. That was great. Then I did get my IB Diploma, 26 points!

Then I found out my stepmom had left my dad during the time period of my exams, which put a strain on me to stay focused on studying. She officially moved out Memorial Day Weekend, packed up all her shit and left the house a mess. My dad is doing better now, divorce has been filed for about a month and he has been dating a woman since the beginning of summer. She seems nice, I’ve only met her once though. He is really happy. My dad deserves a win.

I looked absolutely amazing at prom, my best friend Penny and I were easily the prettiest girls there. My other best friend Edward was supposed to be my “date” meaning we were going to match and hang out together the whole time. He ended up dancing with his other friends the whole night and only came up to me at the end to ask if I was ready to leave. Needless to say, I was pissed. It was our last high school dance for goodness sakes! So he apologized, saying that his other friends wouldn’t let him leave, but I don’t buy that. I just hung out with two of my friends that are dating and we had fun. I look back it was a fun night, even if Edward totally ditched me.

Then I graduated high school! That was really stressful. I wasn’t close with many people, but it was hard to say goodbye to those I thought I was close with. I just have a problem where I think I’m close with a person and they don’t think so or they think we’re close and I don’t think so. No one in between so I felt pretty isolated. All summer I spent time with family, getting closer and saying goodbye.

When I moved down to Corvallis for college, it was so hard to say goodbye to my brother and mom. They’ve always been huge supporters of me and what I want to do with my life. Now I’m a week into college and its been really tough. I have made zero friends, my couple friends that go here too have only hung out with me a couple times but mostly are spending time with their new friends, and I’m not the biggest fan of my roommate. She isn’t interested in many of the same things I am and she has a personality that I don’t mesh well with.

I just feel really alone right now. So alone. I don’t know if I can make it another week here. I’m considering asking my mom to come pick me up next weekend because I am just so depressed here. I don’t know how to make friends and I don’t know how to exist on my own here. I’ve always had a large group of friends around me, but now it’s radio silence from everyone. I’ve been distracting myself with TV shows and the like, but what happens when I’ve exhausted those options? Who will I be here? No one knows me and no one seems to want to know me.

People always say that college is the best time of your life, but so far it has been pretty awful. Is it like this for anyone else? Am I the only one that feels like this? Because it sure feels that way. I’ve never felt such daunting loneliness in my life before. It really hurts.


My Social Life is Fucked

Hi darlings,

Ali, you ask, why are you posting today and why is your title so vulgar?  Well, I’m trying to finish a blog post for school on another website and jammin out to some electronic music since there are no lyrics and it helps me focus when a whole pile o’ shit is dumped in my inbox.  Basically, my social group is falling apart.

I know, I know, I always make posts to procrastinate my homework, but this time my life is taking my homework away from me and shoving me into this shit show.  Two weeks ago, just after my final year of this hell hole began, two of my friends got in a fight.  It was over a boy naturally.  Anna and Angela were hanging out one day after school.  Little did they know they were both texting the same boy.  Angela had just gotten out of a bad breakup and wanted to feel companionship with John.  Lemme just say he is NOT the kinda guy you wanna turn to to feel cared for.  He is a douchenozzle and I am the only one that sees the true affect of his asshat ways.  So Angela realizes that she feels some inkling of feelings for John and decided to tell him right out.  He replies with a long message that seemed to be sentimental, until Angela recognized that he wasn’t reacting with the same feelings, but with stronger ones.  Towards Anna.  He said that he was trying to get over her using Angela, but he just couldn’t.  The worst part of it is that Anna knew and was taking it to her advantage.  She told Angela that she hoped that Angela would get John off of her back for a little while until Anna could properly juggle the THREE MEN she had on the hook.  So Angela walked away feeling vulnerable and used by two of the people closest to her.  Then she turned to me because she knew no one else would listen to what she had to say about the incident.  Anna pulled everyone to her side by having all the guys interested and keeping her like minded friends close (that means other manipulative, cheating, morally twisted, teenage girls).

Four days ago, Angela decided that she overreacted (which she didn’t) and wanted to apologize and work out what went wrong with everything.  So she and Anna made up and are back to being the best of friends.  There is still a sense of awkwardness, but that is because both of them are back to flirting shamelessly with John.

There is a new development though.  Today a group of us went to the strip mall and Angela told me of her plans to meet up with John later and hook up since her Friends-With-Benefits relationship just ended.  Angela actually forgot about meeting up with him and her phone had died so I thought we were getting off scott clean and my social circle wouldn’t dissolve.  But no, John showed up anyways and things got “sexual” according to Angela.  She now trusts me not to tell anyone about what happened but I am just so pissed off!  My social life was already in shambles, but now its crumbling around me and its only September!  I have to deal with these people until I graduate in June and I don’t think I can do it with the way everyone seems to be self destructing and trying to launch themselves out of the friend group.  Who am I kidding?  we aren’t friends anymore.  We are just a group of people too caught in formalities to cut off each other.  It is so toxic sometimes I can’t breathe when I am around them.  Someone please get me out of here.


Thinking Makes It Worse


So yesterday my grandpa came into town and will be staying with us for three days before he leaves to visit my two uncles.  He and my aunt, who is 9 years old, wanted to go to the zoo today with my brother and I to have some good family time.  Tobias and I would’ve rather died, but I think we had a pretty good time.  To explain, my mother’s relationship with her father has always been a little rocky and because of that, his relationship with us is similar.  My grandpa has a need to be the one that is giving out advice and insists that he is always right.  Never aggressively, at least with his grandchildren, but the way he speaks makes it seem as if any plans I have for myself in the future are wrong and that he knows exactly what I should do with my life.  Every time he visits he condescendingly says that I should apply myself better so I give myself better opportunities for the future.  I literally go to the most difficult school in the state and I still manage to do pretty well.  He also says that my mother doesn’t have a real job when she works in the child support office for Multnomah County.  Like, he just doesn’t want to see that other people can be successful in ways that he can’t.  It just stresses me and my family out like crazy when he comes to town.  I don’t like it.

I finally made a list of all of the movies I want to use in my Extended Essay! I need some from 1981, but I just don’t know enough about the time period to pick movies that I can analyze for their effect on the female body image and feminism as a whole. I think it is coming together nicely.  I really like my topic and it makes me excited to research it.  I hope that everyone else working on their EE feels the way that I do about their topics because if they didn’t this process would really suck.

I’ve been thinking about my friends a lot lately and the dynamic that we share as a friend group. Really, I just realize how much closer they are to each other than they are to me. I’m curious to the reason for this separation because I feel that I am a very open and charismatic person that many people can enjoy the company of.  Maybe its because I’m not as “experienced” as they are sexually and romantically.  I mean, most of them are no longer “virgins” and the ones that are have provided or been provided with oral sex.  And all of them have had boyfriends or gone on dates.  I’m the only one that has never had a boyfriend or done anything sexual besides on myself.  Because of this social barrier they all think I am the most vanilla person alive and don’t even talk about that kind of stuff in front of me.  For instance, my best friend Edward was discussing an attractive man in a porno that he watched and when I expressed interest in seeing it he said I “wouldn’t understand” and proceeded to invite my friend Sonya to watch it with him later.  I just wish I was more capable of showing my friends the real me because then they would see that I’m not as perfect and bubbly as they all think.  You can see from reading this blog that I am not a freaking ball of sunshine who is basically Snow White, but that is what they all think and it drives me up the fucking wall.  I can’t wait to get out of here, but I’m also worried that the same thing is gonna happen in college.

I think the next post I make is gonna be a little more upbeat than the rest of my posts.  I wanna talk about stuff that makes me happy instead of all the shit that pisses me off or makes me fall into a depression.  That’ll probably be good for me.


Life Gets Hectic


So it turns out that I am too wide for my original dress that I got as the distributor sent us the wrong size in the first place (whole other heart-breaking, self-esteem-crushing, world of sucky).  Instead, I ordered a shorter version of the same dress in the right size and feel fabulous in it. Boo-yah!

Now, all I have to worry about is all of my friends being upset that they weren’t invited.  So I have to explain that it is a family event and that they aren’t exactly my family.  That was fun.  Then I am worrying about my brother as he has no idea nor the want to figure out what he wants to do with his life.  He is only a Freshman, but he just doesn’t care where his life goes and that is freaking me out.  I don’t want him to turn out like our uncles who are 29 and 31 and are still chilling a like they are teenagers!  I want the best for him and it stressing me out beyond belief.  He is my little brother.  I care about him and stuff.

Then one of my best friends is back with his ex-girlfriend.  They didn’t work out in the first place and that was only a few months ago.  And he acts like he is embarrassed of their relationship, which shows that they are not off to a good start.  He also forgets about everyone and everything when he is dating her.  He won’t talk to any of his friends at school, including me, and that is not healthy.  I just want what’s best for him.

And then there is my father.  As my parents are divorced, I go over to my dad’s house every other weekend so we can “spend time” together.  I say “spend time” because he usually ignores me.  I could understand that if he didn’t spend all of his time playing video games and talking to his new wife, her sister, and his two stepsons.  It’s like my brother and I don’t exist.  I have a heavy course load thanks to the full IB program at my school and I get no work done at his house due to the sheer amount of stuff going on around me.  There are 8-9 people, 2 dogs, 3 lizards, and a cat when I go.  I could better use my time if I was permanently at my mom’s house, but then I would be shutting down my relationship with my father (which is almost nonexistent already).  I don’t know what to do.

As I said before, my course load is heavy too.  Right now, I have to start a 1,000 word essay, practice piano, study for 3 tests, practice math, fill out a form about college visits, start researching for colleges, research the Baroque period of music, finish my mom’s wedding playlist, and freak out about all of the above.

As the title says, life gets hectic.  Sometimes it sucks.  But it does get better.