jason

My Wicked Stepmother

Heya,

I know that it’s a cheesy title, but I couldn’t think of anything else, okay?

I’m still really angry about my stepmom and my dad’s divorce and I don’t know why.  I mean, I never really dealt with the divorce or how it affects me, so I knew it would catch up with me eventually.  It just sucks that it is overshadowing everything else right now.  It is filling every interaction I have with people around me and I think I just need to talk about it for a little bit to get my head on straight.

Over the course of the last year or so of their marriage, Lisa threatened to leave my dad about once every six weeks.  The first time she just started to pack up her shit without telling him and hid all of the boxes in the garage.  She enlisted his niece to help her without her knowing what was going on.  I didn’t find out about it until my 18th birthday.  I was talking to Jason and he told me she left.  She was back before I knew it, keeping my dad in constant turmoil.

During that year, I was considering opting out of visiting my dad every other weekend because he had seemingly stopped caring about Tobias and I.  I cried every time I was over there because I could feel the lack of love in that house and I thought it was directed at me.  It was awful.  My dad would hide away in his office, playing video games and avoiding the confrontation of his wife.  I thought that it was all my dad’s fault, but it turns out it was the terrible person that is no longer my stepmother.

They almost split for good in April, but my dad didn’t want my stepbrothers to miss out on Disneyland when we went, so they toughed it out for the kids.  Tobias and I spent the whole time trying to keep our stepbrothers out of their way so they could try to work on their marriage.  I spent so little time with my dad that week and so much time being angry about how Lisa had treated him and angry because this was one of the last things I’d get to do with my dad before heading off to college.  Tobias and I felt terrible the entire time and we were separated from the rest of the family because we knew everything about what was going on and we didn’t approve.

It didn’t even matter because she asked for a divorce in May, in the middle of my IB exams, and my dad didn’t want to fight it anymore.  They were both unhappy.  I thought it was my dad’s fault at first, but then I started to get little bits and pieces of information that made me realize that though they both were at fault, she was awful to him.

She had been talking to a guy for a long time while still with my dad.  He found the texts in her phone on accident, including pictures that she sent this guy of herself, assumedly naked.  She said there wasn’t anything to worry about.  He let it go, but then he went to meet her at the bar one day for lunch, half the pizza on the table was gone and the guy was sitting at the bar.  It just kept continuing like that until the divorce after which he saw her in his truck and heard rumors of her having sex with him in a Fred Meyer’s fitting room.

And I mean, yeah, this all hurt, but I am in so much pain over how she treated me.  She is just such a selfish person and that makes it really hard to get over how she treated me.  I feel selfish because I am so focused on how she hurt me and Tobias, but my dad got over the long dead marriage really fast.  He is happy in a new relationship and for some reason that makes it hurt more.  If he can move on, why can’t I?  What is the big deal about a stepdaughter who is going off to college?  Apparently nothing to her.

I wanted for the longest time to go and give her a piece of my mind, but I know I wouldn’t be able to get through it since I still haven’t had any closure and she wouldn’t care at all.  She is such a coward and a selfish person that she would run away and not care about all the pain she caused me.

She was my maternal figure.  She was my friend.  I was her Maid of Honor.  I knew so much about her and I was there for her like she was there for me.  Except she wasn’t there for me.  The whole time she couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of her kids and supporting her husband’s.  She just left me.  She’s gone.

It’s not that I want her back, it’s more like I want closure.  I want her to recognize all the shit she put me through.  I trusted her with my heart which I have a really hard time doing with anyone and she dropped it and ran away.  How could someone do that to another human being?  How could she do that to someone she called her daughter?  And I can’t talk to anyone about it because no one else would understand how I can hate her and miss her and hate myself for missing her all at once.  It’s just a lot for one person to deal with.

I know I’ll get through this, but I just want to be over her already.

-Ali

The Tangled, Complicated Mess Called the Heart

Hey hey,

Recently I’ve been thinking about Jason. I mean, yeah, it was kinda messed up that he was talking to a 16-year-old who was 7 years younger than him when you write it on paper, but it was more complicated than that.

When my dad and stepmom got more serious, I started to become pretty close with Lisa so we talked about her family a lot and her connection to them. Jason, in particular, she described as a kind of brother, from a family that took her in when she was young. Or maybe he was her half brother from a past relationship of her mom or dad. I don’t really know. All I knew was that they weren’t fully related and I wasn’t fully related to her either.

As a side note, I’m still really pissed about my stepmom and will probably post more about her eventually.

He just started messaging me one day, in like April of my Sophomore year in high school. It was kinda weird, but I thought he was cute and funny so I was okay with it. No way in a million years did I think he was into me too, so I just enjoyed talking to him. Sometimes it was silly and weird, sometimes it was really deep and a good way for me to talk about my feelings and reflect.

As we talked more, I started to flirt more because I liked the attention and good feelings he gave me by viewing me as an equal and letting me talk. I didn’t see him in person often for whatever reason with my stepmom. I didn’t think he was into me, he just flirted back a little because he was drunk when we would talk at night a lot and that was the pace I set for the conversation.

That happened for two years until June of 2016. We were talking and he brought up a costume I wore that admittedly I looked really hot in. I said that I thought I looked cute. He said he would use a more adult word to describe it. And then I flirted by saying I should wear it more often and he asked if I was trying to get him to look. That’s when I knew he was into me. I was 18 at this point and I figured it was okay. But I felt weird after that. So I said goodnight. Then he messaged me a few weeks later and asked if I was flirting with him because he was flirting with me. That’s when it went to shit. I had talked to my best friend and decided I wasn’t okay with flirting with him. I didn’t have enough (i.e. ANY) experience romantically and I felt like being with someone 7 years older than me might not turn out so well. Plus, it was right after my stepmom left my dad so I felt like starting something to connect our families again would be bad. So I shut it down. I said I was flirting but I didn’t think it should continue. After that, I just shut him down every time he messaged me.

It all culminated in a conversation towards the end of July where he decided we didn’t have much in common, though we had talked for the last two years.

He messaged me a couple weeks ago and asked about school, but I still blew him off.

He was the first person to show attraction towards me that I was also attracted to. Plus he was a really good friend for two years. I miss him. And I’m still attracted to him if I’m being honest. It just sucks that I can’t get over the obstacles of our age difference and the taboo of families.

I still want to talk to him and I still want him in my life, but I burned that bridge and I don’t feel like I can go back. But I still think about what would happen. Maybe if we talked when I’m a couple years older and have had an experience or two. Who knows.

-Ali

Just Another Lil Update

Hey there,

I’ve been watching a lot of indie films lately and that is giving me an inflated sense of understanding and enlightenment or whatever.  Anyways, I figured this was the right time for a little self reflection.

I reached out to a friend that I had in elementary school.  The way my school worked was that students were separated into only English speaking classes and Spanish Immersion classes.  I started out in English only and was best friends with this group of guys who were the weird kids that people don’t like.  Its kind of a theme throughout my life to befriend the weirdos.  Then I switched to Spanish and kinda stopped hanging out with them.  Anyways, I reached out because I hadn’t really talked to him since I was 8 or so and I have fond memories from the time I spent with him.  So when I messaged him on Facebook, it all seemed to go pretty well until he got very dark and was talking about how he is of no worth to society and I backed out.  I tried again a couple days later but then it felt like he was trying to hit on me or something, talking about wanting the company and embrace of a lover.  Yikes!  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I also saw this guy that reminded me of the 25 year old that I talked to for a really long time and I had a panic attack over it.  I just felt so crazy and overwhelmed about everything.  My boss kind of reminds me of him too, which makes me really uncomfortable whenever he tries to get to know me better.  I’ll talk more about Jason soon, the whole situation with him deserves it’s own post.

I’m still in shock over my stepmom too.  I just haven’t had any closure and it makes it really hard to move past her.  I no longer follow her on social media which helps, but I still avoid where she works and I still get really upset when I think about all the harm she put my family through.  It’s just really tough.

I have a high self esteem when it comes to me as an individual, but I have zip when it comes to what I perceive others to think of me.  I think I am pretty, funny, loyal, and smart, but I don’t think others see me that way at all.  Does that make sense?  I had a talk with a friend from high school recently at like 3 in the morning.  I told her about Jason because I’m still kinda reeling from it, and I said that he is the only person to ever show interest in me that I was also interested in.  She said that I was crazy and that I just don’t see it, but I really don’t think anyone else has seen me as a romantic interest.  I have lots of friends and family that loves me, so I’m okay because I know romantic love isn’t the most important, but it would be nice to have someone to confirm that my self perception is right and I don’t have an inflated sense of who I should be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy at college, but there was this guy I was kinda into and one of my friends was into him too, so obviously he went with her because she is skinny and pretty.  It’s just brought up a lot of feelings that don’t mix well with my contemplative personality after I watch too many indie movies.  I’m in a really good place, it’s just easier to write about sadness, right?

-Ali

Happiness and Fiction

Hi hi

Wow. I am so whiny on here.  I really only feel the need to vent when I am depressed or wallowing in pain.  

I’ve been writing a lot lately and that seems to help. I love writing fiction. It is so much fun to create your own world and make lives for these characters that feel real. 

Right now, I’m house sitting for my stepdad’s friend. That means I’m sitting on the couch, watching romcoms, doing homework, and writing my stories.  One is about a 17 year old girl spending a week in northern Washington and falling in love with a 23 year old (sound familiar?) and the other is a girl who falls in love with her best friend’s step brother.

I come up with these plots when I have dreams about them.  I think I have the original ideas for them written down somewhere…obviously I’ve changed the ideas from the initial dream because dreams are some messed up stuff, with random scene jumps and fuzzy rationales.

The step brother one was based on a dream I had at a water park where he refused to let me change alone.  Meaning I was self conscious and he wanted to console me so I would still hang out with them.  Though that is how the dream started and ended, I won’t include this part until late in my writing because it wouldn’t make sense to jump in there without introduction of characters.

Anyways, I’m really passionate about that right now.  I think I’m pretty okay at writing and I love the idea that someone else could love it and relate to it like I do.

-Ali