The Tangled, Complicated Mess Called the Heart

Hey hey,

Recently I’ve been thinking about Jason. I mean, yeah, it was kinda messed up that he was talking to a 16-year-old who was 7 years younger than him when you write it on paper, but it was more complicated than that.

When my dad and stepmom got more serious, I started to become pretty close with Lisa so we talked about her family a lot and her connection to them. Jason, in particular, she described as a kind of brother, from a family that took her in when she was young. Or maybe he was her half brother from a past relationship of her mom or dad. I don’t really know. All I knew was that they weren’t fully related and I wasn’t fully related to her either.

As a side note, I’m still really pissed about my stepmom and will probably post more about her eventually.

He just started messaging me one day, in like April of my Sophomore year in high school. It was kinda weird, but I thought he was cute and funny so I was okay with it. No way in a million years did I think he was into me too, so I just enjoyed talking to him. Sometimes it was silly and weird, sometimes it was really deep and a good way for me to talk about my feelings and reflect.

As we talked more, I started to flirt more because I liked the attention and good feelings he gave me by viewing me as an equal and letting me talk. I didn’t see him in person often for whatever reason with my stepmom. I didn’t think he was into me, he just flirted back a little because he was drunk when we would talk at night a lot and that was the pace I set for the conversation.

That happened for two years until June of 2016. We were talking and he brought up a costume I wore that admittedly I looked really hot in. I said that I thought I looked cute. He said he would use a more adult word to describe it. And then I flirted by saying I should wear it more often and he asked if I was trying to get him to look. That’s when I knew he was into me. I was 18 at this point and I figured it was okay. But I felt weird after that. So I said goodnight. Then he messaged me a few weeks later and asked if I was flirting with him because he was flirting with me. That’s when it went to shit. I had talked to my best friend and decided I wasn’t okay with flirting with him. I didn’t have enough (i.e. ANY) experience romantically and I felt like being with someone 7 years older than me might not turn out so well. Plus, it was right after my stepmom left my dad so I felt like starting something to connect our families again would be bad. So I shut it down. I said I was flirting but I didn’t think it should continue. After that, I just shut him down every time he messaged me.

It all culminated in a conversation towards the end of July where he decided we didn’t have much in common, though we had talked for the last two years.

He messaged me a couple weeks ago and asked about school, but I still blew him off.

He was the first person to show attraction towards me that I was also attracted to. Plus he was a really good friend for two years. I miss him. And I’m still attracted to him if I’m being honest. It just sucks that I can’t get over the obstacles of our age difference and the taboo of families.

I still want to talk to him and I still want him in my life, but I burned that bridge and I don’t feel like I can go back. But I still think about what would happen. Maybe if we talked when I’m a couple years older and have had an experience or two. Who knows.


Just Another Lil Update

Hey there,

I’ve been watching a lot of indie films lately and that is giving me an inflated sense of understanding and enlightenment or whatever.  Anyways, I figured this was the right time for a little self reflection.

I reached out to a friend that I had in elementary school.  The way my school worked was that students were separated into only English speaking classes and Spanish Immersion classes.  I started out in English only and was best friends with this group of guys who were the weird kids that people don’t like.  Its kind of a theme throughout my life to befriend the weirdos.  Then I switched to Spanish and kinda stopped hanging out with them.  Anyways, I reached out because I hadn’t really talked to him since I was 8 or so and I have fond memories from the time I spent with him.  So when I messaged him on Facebook, it all seemed to go pretty well until he got very dark and was talking about how he is of no worth to society and I backed out.  I tried again a couple days later but then it felt like he was trying to hit on me or something, talking about wanting the company and embrace of a lover.  Yikes!  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I also saw this guy that reminded me of the 25 year old that I talked to for a really long time and I had a panic attack over it.  I just felt so crazy and overwhelmed about everything.  My boss kind of reminds me of him too, which makes me really uncomfortable whenever he tries to get to know me better.  I’ll talk more about Jason soon, the whole situation with him deserves it’s own post.

I’m still in shock over my stepmom too.  I just haven’t had any closure and it makes it really hard to move past her.  I no longer follow her on social media which helps, but I still avoid where she works and I still get really upset when I think about all the harm she put my family through.  It’s just really tough.

I have a high self esteem when it comes to me as an individual, but I have zip when it comes to what I perceive others to think of me.  I think I am pretty, funny, loyal, and smart, but I don’t think others see me that way at all.  Does that make sense?  I had a talk with a friend from high school recently at like 3 in the morning.  I told her about Jason because I’m still kinda reeling from it, and I said that he is the only person to ever show interest in me that I was also interested in.  She said that I was crazy and that I just don’t see it, but I really don’t think anyone else has seen me as a romantic interest.  I have lots of friends and family that loves me, so I’m okay because I know romantic love isn’t the most important, but it would be nice to have someone to confirm that my self perception is right and I don’t have an inflated sense of who I should be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy at college, but there was this guy I was kinda into and one of my friends was into him too, so obviously he went with her because she is skinny and pretty.  It’s just brought up a lot of feelings that don’t mix well with my contemplative personality after I watch too many indie movies.  I’m in a really good place, it’s just easier to write about sadness, right?


New Lease on Life at College


So in my most recent post I mentioned that college has been going better for me and it has.  If anyone is experiencing or experienced something similar to what I was, I just wanted to give a little advice for what worked in my case.

First of all,  I reached out to someone.  For me it was my mom.  She has always been really supportive of me and accepted that I might take a different path in life than she did.  So when I called because I kept almost crying in class and I felt really isolated, she was there to listen to me and offer guidance that I couldn’t see in my sad haze.  If you can’t reach out to your mom, maybe a close friend, even a stranger could be helpful.  If you need someone and you don’t have anyone, please feel free to reach out to me.  I have a couple social media accounts of mine on my “Find Me” page, so please talk to me if you need someone.

I then made an appointment with a counselor.  On my mom’s suggestion, like I said in my last one and the actual session went really well.  It was nice to have my problems and emotions be validated by a professional and he was really kind and offered solutions.  He made me feel more confident in approaching college life and understanding that it’s what I make of it.  I went back for another session two weeks later because it had already been set up, but it was mostly a “I am doing much better and I don’t think I need to come again because you were really helpful last time” thing.  I highly suggest seeking professional help because it worked really well for me.  For some people that might not be the case and I totally get that, but it is worth a shot if you find a good person to help.

Next is getting used to your own company.  I don’t remember where I heard this, but “College is the time you really get to know yourself, even in the hard times you find out how much you can take on and how strong you really can be.”  I started eating alone and sitting by myself in public.  When you do that, you can see just how many other people are doing the same thing and that can just make you feel better.  I am kind of an extrovert, so it was hard for me to not be around others all the time, but I have learned some great techniques to spend time with myself (i.e. watching Netflix, listening to music, coloring).  It’s really nice to learn more about who I want to be and how that affects my outlook.  Knowing and liking yourself is really important because you spend a lot of time with yourself just one on one.

This next one might not be right or feasible for everyone, but change your environment!  I lived in Poling Hall which is the party hall of campus and it really wasn’t the right fit for me.  I had difficulty sleeping, the people made me feel uncomfortable, and the room just didn’t feel like home.  I decided to move to my friend’s hall because when we would hang out, it just felt right for me.  I couldn’t really put my finger on it (other than the amazing showers), but I moved over and now I am just in a better place of mind.  It feels like a home that pales in  comparison to the real thing, but it is light-years better than the way I felt at Poling.  Even just making a place more cozy can change your emotions and lower your stress levels.  Maybe you can’t move, but try finding something that would make your home space more comfortable for you and see if that makes you feel better.  It worked for me at least!

Really, I am dong so much better.  That first week I felt like I had just jumped in a freezing pool.  Shocked at all the changes in my environment.  Now I’m getting used to the water and swimming around a bit.  College is hard and everyone feels a little lonely, even if they don’t look it.  That doesn’t really help me when I feel that way, but it does when I am out of it.  I hope this helps any of you going through something similar.  Again, please reach out to me if I can help you in any way.  I know what it feels like and I don’t want you to go through it alone.


A Few of My Favorite Things

Hi hi!

So I just finished my first day of senior year and it was as I expected it to be.  At my school all the classes are built on a two year curriculum, so I already know most of my teachers and the ones that haven’t taught me before I have seen around the school.  It was basically prep for a test I have Tuesday, prepare for a graded group discussion that will be on Friday, organize these different functions and non-functions, and getting back in the groove with my clique.  Most of whom I couldn’t care less to see after graduation.  All in all, a pretty good kick-start to my final year in high school.

So in my last post I promised my favorite things and that was like a month ago so I feel I should supply.  This one might get a little long folks, cuz I love me alotta stuffs.

Where to start?  Books have always been a major part of my life and as my workload for school steadily grew, I began to use books to escape the terror of my procrastinating (with more procrastinating by reading, I know, I know.  Don’t question my life choices.)  They have always let me feel and experience what I may never have the chance too (and in some cases that is a very good thing.)  My all time favorite book is The Penderwicks by Jeanne Birdsall.  It is meant for like middle schoolers, but it has a warm feeling for me.  There is no HUGE EVIL conflict, its just four sisters who vacation in a cottage on the grounds of a huge-ass estate.  the eldest starts crushing on the gardener and all of them befriend the son of the snooty owner.  It is a book that just makes me smile and forget for a little while.  I absolutely adore the Uglies series by Scott Westerfield.  I have some kinda kink for dystopian novels because every single one I have ever read I have adored, but this one especially.  The main series is 3 books, but there are 2 kinda spin off novels set in the same dystopian world.  Basically, in this world people get an operation when they turn 16 to become pretty.  It is like some serious body modifications, changing bone structure, eye color, height, weight, you name it.  Then you get to live on this island of eternal parties for a few years before you choose and occupation and settle down.  It follows a girl named Tally whose friend Shay runs away with a rebel group.  Tally is refused her operation until she helps the government find the rebels.  It is hecka good.  I also read a lot of original stories (and fanfiction) on Wattpad that are freaking AMAZING so hit me up if you want some recommendations for specific ships or just for a good read cuz I have more than I could count.

I don’t really know what movies to recommend because I feel like I have shitty taste in movies (or so I am told by my loving family and adoring friends).  My favorite movie is Heart and Souls (1993) with Robert Downey Jr. because it discusses death and other heavy topics in a way that made it easy to understand.  Also I adore the “Walk Like A Man” scenes.  Its about 4 people that died in a bus accident and become attatched to a baby (RDJ) and learn that they can use him to tie up loose ends from when they were living.  It’s all about overcoming your fears and being happy with who you are.  I love it.  To keep with the time frame (kind of) I love The Labyrinth (1986) with David Bowie.  The music is awesome and it is all about a girl’s growth and independence.  Basically, she wishes her brother away and the Goblin King takes him to his palace telling Sarah that she has 13 hours to save him before he becomes a goblin.  So she has to make it through the labyrinth to his palace and take her brother back.  It has some good Bowie tunes and Bowie in leggings so you can see the bulge (both a pro and a con, more a con).  If you are looking for a romcom I really love The Decoy Bride (2011) because it gives me goosebumps and butterflies, hardcore.  It is about a couple who are trying to get married, but the bride-to-be is a huge star that everyone loves and she is being followed so she runs away before the ceremony.  To fix this they plan a fake wedding with a stand in (played by Kelly MacDonald),but she accidentally signs the papers and they become legally married.  So she and James (played by David Tennant) try to get out of it and it is SO GOOD.  I think it is still on Netflix…

Music!  My favorite band is Fall Out Boy, but Twenty One Pilots is a close second.  Both are a lot like my personality where the music is very upbeat and happy while the lyrics are more about depression and other darker themes.  I really like My Chemical Romance (r.i.p.) and Panic! at the Disco too because I have grown a taste for alternative rock and they feed the darkness inside me.  My absolute favorite song is a tie between “Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne and “Always” by Blink 182 the former has been my favorite since I was 6 due to it’s rock-ish beat and easy to lip-sync to, but recently I have been obsessed with the latter because of the rock-ish beat and the innate happy feeling I always get.  In fact, I listened to “Always” the moment I got home because I knew it would cheer me up after my first day back in hell.

Welp, this is a post of awesome measures, and I feel a lot better after writing about random things.  It was really helpful in decompressing after today’s craziness and getting back on schedule.  Hope you enjoy and come to find the same joy in this stuff that I do.


A Little Catch-Up


My life has been a little crazy lately and I haven’t been feeling as up to writing as I should.  I really need to write out a schedule for my blog posts to keep me on track rather than willy-nilly writing whenever I want because that is for children and I am (almost) an adult.  My birthday is in October and I’ll be 18 then, having to start making decisions about what I want to do for the rest of my life when 40 hours of the week I have to ask to go to the bathroom still.  This whole “growing up thing is totally crazy.  I don’t know how you grown ups did it.  If I could, I would just lie in bed on Tumblr all day and listen to music.  A girl can dream…and wish she was Ariel (get it??)

Anyways, what has been going on in my life recently?  A whole lotta shit, that’s what.  Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start) with Memorial Day weekend.  I went on a motorcycle run with my Dad and I was expecting it to be a lot of bonding and stuff for us since we don’t really do that, him being a stoic and closed off dad and me being a teenage girl who has gone through puberty.  We rode on a motorcycle for about 2 1/2 hours into Fossil, Oregon which is kind of in the center of the state.  Friday was really boring because we all just kinda stood around a fire rather than the legal drinkers breaking out their dice and cards to play drinking games (I participate legally with soda).  After I went to bed though, they did start drinking and playing games.  Guess its a buzzkill to bring your underage daughter to a motorcycle rally with a bunch of drinkers.  Shoulda thought that out beforehand.  On Saturday, my stepmom drove up and we hung out all day watching the bike games where people compete in games to get trophies (I won two the first year I went to a run).  That evening, before the real shenanigans began, my stepmom got utterly smashed playing thirteen aces (a dice game) with a couple 21 year-olds.  Due to her drunken state I kinda got pushed aside and sent back to camp.  At this point, my depression and anxiety kicked in saying that I wan’t wanted there and that they don’t need me.  So I went to my tent and cried myself to sleep discreetly.  My dad never checked on me.  Sunday I stayed in my tent studying for my SATs until the afternoon where I finally emerged to get a water bottle then got back in my tent for the rest of the day.  Sunday was not a good day for me.  Monday we packed up and left, only the ride this time took FIVE HOURS because of traffic and car crashes.  I have decided never to go on a run again.  I always get that feeling like I shouldn’t be there because my dad only hangs out with my stepmom and all the other adults are awkward around me because I can’t drink, smoke, or do drugs like they do.  It is a really shitty feeling.  To be honest I went for the experience of riding a motorcycle through Oregon with the hope that my dad would finally pay a little attention to me.

The SATs went pretty well I think.  It scares me that I wasn’t at all nervous for them even though I didn’t study very much.  I hope I get a good score, though it doesn’t really matter since I got a 29 on my ACTs (shameless bragging).

I have a 1200-1600 word essay due tomorrow (partly why I am posting right now).  I don’t like writing essays.  They are so constricting and judge you on your way of thought.  I like the freedom of having a blog because I can write whatever I want and not care what other people think of it or even if people see it.  My blog makes me happy and I’m so much calmer and stable after writing every time.

It’s Finals Week and that is always the worst because I have to pretend like I’ll miss these people or promise that we will meet up over the summer when i know we won’t.  Also comprehensive tests suck.  They are absolutely the worst because I always feel judged, which I guess is kind of the point.  I just don’t like it, the stress me out and give me anxiety.

Anyways, next time you hear from me (or read from me) I’ll be a Senior.  Wish me luck!!