reflection

The Tangled, Complicated Mess Called the Heart

Hey hey,

Recently I’ve been thinking about Jason. I mean, yeah, it was kinda messed up that he was talking to a 16-year-old who was 7 years younger than him when you write it on paper, but it was more complicated than that.

When my dad and stepmom got more serious, I started to become pretty close with Lisa so we talked about her family a lot and her connection to them. Jason, in particular, she described as a kind of brother, from a family that took her in when she was young. Or maybe he was her half brother from a past relationship of her mom or dad. I don’t really know. All I knew was that they weren’t fully related and I wasn’t fully related to her either.

As a side note, I’m still really pissed about my stepmom and will probably post more about her eventually.

He just started messaging me one day, in like April of my Sophomore year in high school. It was kinda weird, but I thought he was cute and funny so I was okay with it. No way in a million years did I think he was into me too, so I just enjoyed talking to him. Sometimes it was silly and weird, sometimes it was really deep and a good way for me to talk about my feelings and reflect.

As we talked more, I started to flirt more because I liked the attention and good feelings he gave me by viewing me as an equal and letting me talk. I didn’t see him in person often for whatever reason with my stepmom. I didn’t think he was into me, he just flirted back a little because he was drunk when we would talk at night a lot and that was the pace I set for the conversation.

That happened for two years until June of 2016. We were talking and he brought up a costume I wore that admittedly I looked really hot in. I said that I thought I looked cute. He said he would use a more adult word to describe it. And then I flirted by saying I should wear it more often and he asked if I was trying to get him to look. That’s when I knew he was into me. I was 18 at this point and I figured it was okay. But I felt weird after that. So I said goodnight. Then he messaged me a few weeks later and asked if I was flirting with him because he was flirting with me. That’s when it went to shit. I had talked to my best friend and decided I wasn’t okay with flirting with him. I didn’t have enough (i.e. ANY) experience romantically and I felt like being with someone 7 years older than me might not turn out so well. Plus, it was right after my stepmom left my dad so I felt like starting something to connect our families again would be bad. So I shut it down. I said I was flirting but I didn’t think it should continue. After that, I just shut him down every time he messaged me.

It all culminated in a conversation towards the end of July where he decided we didn’t have much in common, though we had talked for the last two years.

He messaged me a couple weeks ago and asked about school, but I still blew him off.

He was the first person to show attraction towards me that I was also attracted to. Plus he was a really good friend for two years. I miss him. And I’m still attracted to him if I’m being honest. It just sucks that I can’t get over the obstacles of our age difference and the taboo of families.

I still want to talk to him and I still want him in my life, but I burned that bridge and I don’t feel like I can go back. But I still think about what would happen. Maybe if we talked when I’m a couple years older and have had an experience or two. Who knows.

-Ali

New Lease on Life at College

Hey,

So in my most recent post I mentioned that college has been going better for me and it has.  If anyone is experiencing or experienced something similar to what I was, I just wanted to give a little advice for what worked in my case.

First of all,  I reached out to someone.  For me it was my mom.  She has always been really supportive of me and accepted that I might take a different path in life than she did.  So when I called because I kept almost crying in class and I felt really isolated, she was there to listen to me and offer guidance that I couldn’t see in my sad haze.  If you can’t reach out to your mom, maybe a close friend, even a stranger could be helpful.  If you need someone and you don’t have anyone, please feel free to reach out to me.  I have a couple social media accounts of mine on my “Find Me” page, so please talk to me if you need someone.

I then made an appointment with a counselor.  On my mom’s suggestion, like I said in my last one and the actual session went really well.  It was nice to have my problems and emotions be validated by a professional and he was really kind and offered solutions.  He made me feel more confident in approaching college life and understanding that it’s what I make of it.  I went back for another session two weeks later because it had already been set up, but it was mostly a “I am doing much better and I don’t think I need to come again because you were really helpful last time” thing.  I highly suggest seeking professional help because it worked really well for me.  For some people that might not be the case and I totally get that, but it is worth a shot if you find a good person to help.

Next is getting used to your own company.  I don’t remember where I heard this, but “College is the time you really get to know yourself, even in the hard times you find out how much you can take on and how strong you really can be.”  I started eating alone and sitting by myself in public.  When you do that, you can see just how many other people are doing the same thing and that can just make you feel better.  I am kind of an extrovert, so it was hard for me to not be around others all the time, but I have learned some great techniques to spend time with myself (i.e. watching Netflix, listening to music, coloring).  It’s really nice to learn more about who I want to be and how that affects my outlook.  Knowing and liking yourself is really important because you spend a lot of time with yourself just one on one.

This next one might not be right or feasible for everyone, but change your environment!  I lived in Poling Hall which is the party hall of campus and it really wasn’t the right fit for me.  I had difficulty sleeping, the people made me feel uncomfortable, and the room just didn’t feel like home.  I decided to move to my friend’s hall because when we would hang out, it just felt right for me.  I couldn’t really put my finger on it (other than the amazing showers), but I moved over and now I am just in a better place of mind.  It feels like a home that pales in  comparison to the real thing, but it is light-years better than the way I felt at Poling.  Even just making a place more cozy can change your emotions and lower your stress levels.  Maybe you can’t move, but try finding something that would make your home space more comfortable for you and see if that makes you feel better.  It worked for me at least!

Really, I am dong so much better.  That first week I felt like I had just jumped in a freezing pool.  Shocked at all the changes in my environment.  Now I’m getting used to the water and swimming around a bit.  College is hard and everyone feels a little lonely, even if they don’t look it.  That doesn’t really help me when I feel that way, but it does when I am out of it.  I hope this helps any of you going through something similar.  Again, please reach out to me if I can help you in any way.  I know what it feels like and I don’t want you to go through it alone.

-Ali

Stress and Ventilation

Hey there!

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?  I guess I’ve just been really busy.  Sometimes it gets hard to keep up on what I enjoy doing compared to what I have to do.  With Junior year almost over, the teachers are kicking it into high gear as the Seniors are on their way out.  Also they are now realizing that we are way behind schedule and haven’t learned anything the last 7 months (as it goes every year).

On the subject of school (what else do I talk about?), I recently got a 112 out of 296 on a Standard Level Math (trigonometry, specifically) test and now I am getting a tutor to try and help with that.  I’m not the only one that did really bad on that test, but I’d rather do better.  It’s funny that I now have a D in math when I got a 29 on my ACT, but I’m over it at this point.  I’m just worried about the stigma of getting a tutor and how that will affect me mentally.

Truthfully, I don’t really care about a lot anymore.  Sure, I may act like I still have interests, but this IB program is KILLING me and it doesn’t even have very good benefits in the long run.  I have stopped having interests because I have no time.  An example is this blog, I haven’t been on it as often as I would like due to the constant projects that I have to write or present.  I am actually excited for the lock-in my school is hosting on Saturday to work on our Extended Essays.  That way I can interact with my friends without falling behind in my work.

Maybe I should get a therapist.  I cry due to stress at least once a week lately and I have a severe lack of my usual bubbly personality.  I’ve started to fake being the “Normal Me” to keep my friends and family happy because they rely on me always being interactive, in a sense.  If I’m not happy, things start cracking and people start fighting.  That puts too much pressure on a 17 year old girl just trying to figure out what is going on.  I made this blog to help alleviate the stress and pressure of my surroundings and all of the people that want me to be there for them, but it has kind of been taken away from me due to my responsibilities.  I want to ventilate and finally breathe so I can feel like myself again.  I don’t know how to make that happen.

-Ali