relationships

My Wicked Stepmother

Heya,

I know that it’s a cheesy title, but I couldn’t think of anything else, okay?

I’m still really angry about my stepmom and my dad’s divorce and I don’t know why.  I mean, I never really dealt with the divorce or how it affects me, so I knew it would catch up with me eventually.  It just sucks that it is overshadowing everything else right now.  It is filling every interaction I have with people around me and I think I just need to talk about it for a little bit to get my head on straight.

Over the course of the last year or so of their marriage, Lisa threatened to leave my dad about once every six weeks.  The first time she just started to pack up her shit without telling him and hid all of the boxes in the garage.  She enlisted his niece to help her without her knowing what was going on.  I didn’t find out about it until my 18th birthday.  I was talking to Jason and he told me she left.  She was back before I knew it, keeping my dad in constant turmoil.

During that year, I was considering opting out of visiting my dad every other weekend because he had seemingly stopped caring about Tobias and I.  I cried every time I was over there because I could feel the lack of love in that house and I thought it was directed at me.  It was awful.  My dad would hide away in his office, playing video games and avoiding the confrontation of his wife.  I thought that it was all my dad’s fault, but it turns out it was the terrible person that is no longer my stepmother.

They almost split for good in April, but my dad didn’t want my stepbrothers to miss out on Disneyland when we went, so they toughed it out for the kids.  Tobias and I spent the whole time trying to keep our stepbrothers out of their way so they could try to work on their marriage.  I spent so little time with my dad that week and so much time being angry about how Lisa had treated him and angry because this was one of the last things I’d get to do with my dad before heading off to college.  Tobias and I felt terrible the entire time and we were separated from the rest of the family because we knew everything about what was going on and we didn’t approve.

It didn’t even matter because she asked for a divorce in May, in the middle of my IB exams, and my dad didn’t want to fight it anymore.  They were both unhappy.  I thought it was my dad’s fault at first, but then I started to get little bits and pieces of information that made me realize that though they both were at fault, she was awful to him.

She had been talking to a guy for a long time while still with my dad.  He found the texts in her phone on accident, including pictures that she sent this guy of herself, assumedly naked.  She said there wasn’t anything to worry about.  He let it go, but then he went to meet her at the bar one day for lunch, half the pizza on the table was gone and the guy was sitting at the bar.  It just kept continuing like that until the divorce after which he saw her in his truck and heard rumors of her having sex with him in a Fred Meyer’s fitting room.

And I mean, yeah, this all hurt, but I am in so much pain over how she treated me.  She is just such a selfish person and that makes it really hard to get over how she treated me.  I feel selfish because I am so focused on how she hurt me and Tobias, but my dad got over the long dead marriage really fast.  He is happy in a new relationship and for some reason that makes it hurt more.  If he can move on, why can’t I?  What is the big deal about a stepdaughter who is going off to college?  Apparently nothing to her.

I wanted for the longest time to go and give her a piece of my mind, but I know I wouldn’t be able to get through it since I still haven’t had any closure and she wouldn’t care at all.  She is such a coward and a selfish person that she would run away and not care about all the pain she caused me.

She was my maternal figure.  She was my friend.  I was her Maid of Honor.  I knew so much about her and I was there for her like she was there for me.  Except she wasn’t there for me.  The whole time she couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of her kids and supporting her husband’s.  She just left me.  She’s gone.

It’s not that I want her back, it’s more like I want closure.  I want her to recognize all the shit she put me through.  I trusted her with my heart which I have a really hard time doing with anyone and she dropped it and ran away.  How could someone do that to another human being?  How could she do that to someone she called her daughter?  And I can’t talk to anyone about it because no one else would understand how I can hate her and miss her and hate myself for missing her all at once.  It’s just a lot for one person to deal with.

I know I’ll get through this, but I just want to be over her already.

-Ali

The Tangled, Complicated Mess Called the Heart

Hey hey,

Recently I’ve been thinking about Jason. I mean, yeah, it was kinda messed up that he was talking to a 16-year-old who was 7 years younger than him when you write it on paper, but it was more complicated than that.

When my dad and stepmom got more serious, I started to become pretty close with Lisa so we talked about her family a lot and her connection to them. Jason, in particular, she described as a kind of brother, from a family that took her in when she was young. Or maybe he was her half brother from a past relationship of her mom or dad. I don’t really know. All I knew was that they weren’t fully related and I wasn’t fully related to her either.

As a side note, I’m still really pissed about my stepmom and will probably post more about her eventually.

He just started messaging me one day, in like April of my Sophomore year in high school. It was kinda weird, but I thought he was cute and funny so I was okay with it. No way in a million years did I think he was into me too, so I just enjoyed talking to him. Sometimes it was silly and weird, sometimes it was really deep and a good way for me to talk about my feelings and reflect.

As we talked more, I started to flirt more because I liked the attention and good feelings he gave me by viewing me as an equal and letting me talk. I didn’t see him in person often for whatever reason with my stepmom. I didn’t think he was into me, he just flirted back a little because he was drunk when we would talk at night a lot and that was the pace I set for the conversation.

That happened for two years until June of 2016. We were talking and he brought up a costume I wore that admittedly I looked really hot in. I said that I thought I looked cute. He said he would use a more adult word to describe it. And then I flirted by saying I should wear it more often and he asked if I was trying to get him to look. That’s when I knew he was into me. I was 18 at this point and I figured it was okay. But I felt weird after that. So I said goodnight. Then he messaged me a few weeks later and asked if I was flirting with him because he was flirting with me. That’s when it went to shit. I had talked to my best friend and decided I wasn’t okay with flirting with him. I didn’t have enough (i.e. ANY) experience romantically and I felt like being with someone 7 years older than me might not turn out so well. Plus, it was right after my stepmom left my dad so I felt like starting something to connect our families again would be bad. So I shut it down. I said I was flirting but I didn’t think it should continue. After that, I just shut him down every time he messaged me.

It all culminated in a conversation towards the end of July where he decided we didn’t have much in common, though we had talked for the last two years.

He messaged me a couple weeks ago and asked about school, but I still blew him off.

He was the first person to show attraction towards me that I was also attracted to. Plus he was a really good friend for two years. I miss him. And I’m still attracted to him if I’m being honest. It just sucks that I can’t get over the obstacles of our age difference and the taboo of families.

I still want to talk to him and I still want him in my life, but I burned that bridge and I don’t feel like I can go back. But I still think about what would happen. Maybe if we talked when I’m a couple years older and have had an experience or two. Who knows.

-Ali

Just Another Lil Update

Hey there,

I’ve been watching a lot of indie films lately and that is giving me an inflated sense of understanding and enlightenment or whatever.  Anyways, I figured this was the right time for a little self reflection.

I reached out to a friend that I had in elementary school.  The way my school worked was that students were separated into only English speaking classes and Spanish Immersion classes.  I started out in English only and was best friends with this group of guys who were the weird kids that people don’t like.  Its kind of a theme throughout my life to befriend the weirdos.  Then I switched to Spanish and kinda stopped hanging out with them.  Anyways, I reached out because I hadn’t really talked to him since I was 8 or so and I have fond memories from the time I spent with him.  So when I messaged him on Facebook, it all seemed to go pretty well until he got very dark and was talking about how he is of no worth to society and I backed out.  I tried again a couple days later but then it felt like he was trying to hit on me or something, talking about wanting the company and embrace of a lover.  Yikes!  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I also saw this guy that reminded me of the 25 year old that I talked to for a really long time and I had a panic attack over it.  I just felt so crazy and overwhelmed about everything.  My boss kind of reminds me of him too, which makes me really uncomfortable whenever he tries to get to know me better.  I’ll talk more about Jason soon, the whole situation with him deserves it’s own post.

I’m still in shock over my stepmom too.  I just haven’t had any closure and it makes it really hard to move past her.  I no longer follow her on social media which helps, but I still avoid where she works and I still get really upset when I think about all the harm she put my family through.  It’s just really tough.

I have a high self esteem when it comes to me as an individual, but I have zip when it comes to what I perceive others to think of me.  I think I am pretty, funny, loyal, and smart, but I don’t think others see me that way at all.  Does that make sense?  I had a talk with a friend from high school recently at like 3 in the morning.  I told her about Jason because I’m still kinda reeling from it, and I said that he is the only person to ever show interest in me that I was also interested in.  She said that I was crazy and that I just don’t see it, but I really don’t think anyone else has seen me as a romantic interest.  I have lots of friends and family that loves me, so I’m okay because I know romantic love isn’t the most important, but it would be nice to have someone to confirm that my self perception is right and I don’t have an inflated sense of who I should be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy at college, but there was this guy I was kinda into and one of my friends was into him too, so obviously he went with her because she is skinny and pretty.  It’s just brought up a lot of feelings that don’t mix well with my contemplative personality after I watch too many indie movies.  I’m in a really good place, it’s just easier to write about sadness, right?

-Ali

New Lease on Life at College

Hey,

So in my most recent post I mentioned that college has been going better for me and it has.  If anyone is experiencing or experienced something similar to what I was, I just wanted to give a little advice for what worked in my case.

First of all,  I reached out to someone.  For me it was my mom.  She has always been really supportive of me and accepted that I might take a different path in life than she did.  So when I called because I kept almost crying in class and I felt really isolated, she was there to listen to me and offer guidance that I couldn’t see in my sad haze.  If you can’t reach out to your mom, maybe a close friend, even a stranger could be helpful.  If you need someone and you don’t have anyone, please feel free to reach out to me.  I have a couple social media accounts of mine on my “Find Me” page, so please talk to me if you need someone.

I then made an appointment with a counselor.  On my mom’s suggestion, like I said in my last one and the actual session went really well.  It was nice to have my problems and emotions be validated by a professional and he was really kind and offered solutions.  He made me feel more confident in approaching college life and understanding that it’s what I make of it.  I went back for another session two weeks later because it had already been set up, but it was mostly a “I am doing much better and I don’t think I need to come again because you were really helpful last time” thing.  I highly suggest seeking professional help because it worked really well for me.  For some people that might not be the case and I totally get that, but it is worth a shot if you find a good person to help.

Next is getting used to your own company.  I don’t remember where I heard this, but “College is the time you really get to know yourself, even in the hard times you find out how much you can take on and how strong you really can be.”  I started eating alone and sitting by myself in public.  When you do that, you can see just how many other people are doing the same thing and that can just make you feel better.  I am kind of an extrovert, so it was hard for me to not be around others all the time, but I have learned some great techniques to spend time with myself (i.e. watching Netflix, listening to music, coloring).  It’s really nice to learn more about who I want to be and how that affects my outlook.  Knowing and liking yourself is really important because you spend a lot of time with yourself just one on one.

This next one might not be right or feasible for everyone, but change your environment!  I lived in Poling Hall which is the party hall of campus and it really wasn’t the right fit for me.  I had difficulty sleeping, the people made me feel uncomfortable, and the room just didn’t feel like home.  I decided to move to my friend’s hall because when we would hang out, it just felt right for me.  I couldn’t really put my finger on it (other than the amazing showers), but I moved over and now I am just in a better place of mind.  It feels like a home that pales in  comparison to the real thing, but it is light-years better than the way I felt at Poling.  Even just making a place more cozy can change your emotions and lower your stress levels.  Maybe you can’t move, but try finding something that would make your home space more comfortable for you and see if that makes you feel better.  It worked for me at least!

Really, I am dong so much better.  That first week I felt like I had just jumped in a freezing pool.  Shocked at all the changes in my environment.  Now I’m getting used to the water and swimming around a bit.  College is hard and everyone feels a little lonely, even if they don’t look it.  That doesn’t really help me when I feel that way, but it does when I am out of it.  I hope this helps any of you going through something similar.  Again, please reach out to me if I can help you in any way.  I know what it feels like and I don’t want you to go through it alone.

-Ali

Happiness and Fiction

Hi hi

Wow. I am so whiny on here.  I really only feel the need to vent when I am depressed or wallowing in pain.  

I’ve been writing a lot lately and that seems to help. I love writing fiction. It is so much fun to create your own world and make lives for these characters that feel real. 

Right now, I’m house sitting for my stepdad’s friend. That means I’m sitting on the couch, watching romcoms, doing homework, and writing my stories.  One is about a 17 year old girl spending a week in northern Washington and falling in love with a 23 year old (sound familiar?) and the other is a girl who falls in love with her best friend’s step brother.

I come up with these plots when I have dreams about them.  I think I have the original ideas for them written down somewhere…obviously I’ve changed the ideas from the initial dream because dreams are some messed up stuff, with random scene jumps and fuzzy rationales.

The step brother one was based on a dream I had at a water park where he refused to let me change alone.  Meaning I was self conscious and he wanted to console me so I would still hang out with them.  Though that is how the dream started and ended, I won’t include this part until late in my writing because it wouldn’t make sense to jump in there without introduction of characters.

Anyways, I’m really passionate about that right now.  I think I’m pretty okay at writing and I love the idea that someone else could love it and relate to it like I do.

-Ali

My Love Life and It’s Lack of Existence

Howdy!

So let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start). My only successful romantic relationship was when I was seven. His name was Leroy and our moms were best friends. He was nine. He taught me how to dance and how to kiss. Of course that was 10 years ago, but it lasted a while. My mom told me one day that we couldn’t be together anymore and so I broke up with him. It was easy and simple. We still talk to this day, but not as often as we used to.

Then there was Will who was my best friend for a long time until he asked me to be his girlfriend in first grade. We were together for a while until a new girl transferred in and he broke up with me. I was devastated because he was like my first real crush and he threw me aside for a girl that ate cat food for lunch. When they broke up, he started to date her best friend. Finally he left my elementary school and I made new friends.

Skipping ahead a bit, at the end of fifth grade I had the hugest crush on a boy named Dave. He was my best friend, Penny’s, neighbor so I asked her to give him a letter in which I told him how much I liked him and hoped he liked me too. I later realized this is probably the worst mistake I have ever made in my life because he never had even a remote interest in me and my letter was very doting. It is humiliating to this day. The heat of shame rises to my face whenever Penny brings it up.

Then in sixth grade I met a boy named Craig who was an absolute ass. I didn’t realize his douche-ness at the time, instead I thought he was so nice and into me. So I asked him out and he said yes. I then proceeded not to talk to him for the three days we were “dating”. He broke up with me saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Jump ahead to May of seventh grade where my friend Erma told me that Craig said I was the worst mistake he ever made. I was angry and hurt. I then took it out on him by pointing out his bullying of my friend Edward and making him pay for being an asshole.

In eighth grade I met a boy named Harry and we became best friends. We texted every day and he was so sweet and flirty. Over the course of a year and a half, I asked him to dances and on dates multiple times. Every time he turned me down, but I was still delusional and thought he was just shy. Finally I realized he had no interest me and I just stopped talking to him to get over him.

It also helped that I made a new friend, Franklin. We met on the bus freshman year and became besties. I’m still his best friend to this day. I started to like him because he would treat me differently than every other girl he talked to. He was flirtatious and would always stand by my side, literally and figuratively. So it made sense that I thought he was into me. I told him one night and that same night he told me he had started dating Lauren. I was crushed and he stopped talking to me. I thought our friendship was over. Then they broke up and we became friends again. Last year, I got over him and I haven’t liked anyone since.

Recently I’ve been talking a to a guy who is 24. His name is Jason. He is really nice to me and shamelessly flirts with me. It kinda makes me uncomfortable, but I also am kinda into it. He is my stepmom’s half brother so it’s a little weird. It probably won’t pan out at all, but it’s nice to have a feeling of the possibility and someone take interest in me.

I’m kind of an awkward person plus I’m a heavy girl, so high school isn’t exactly the place for me to find a lasting relationship, it would just feel nice. Just gotta remember that I am more than my relationship status until I find my place.

-Ali

My Social Life is Fucked

Hi darlings,

Ali, you ask, why are you posting today and why is your title so vulgar?  Well, I’m trying to finish a blog post for school on another website and jammin out to some electronic music since there are no lyrics and it helps me focus when a whole pile o’ shit is dumped in my inbox.  Basically, my social group is falling apart.

I know, I know, I always make posts to procrastinate my homework, but this time my life is taking my homework away from me and shoving me into this shit show.  Two weeks ago, just after my final year of this hell hole began, two of my friends got in a fight.  It was over a boy naturally.  Anna and Angela were hanging out one day after school.  Little did they know they were both texting the same boy.  Angela had just gotten out of a bad breakup and wanted to feel companionship with John.  Lemme just say he is NOT the kinda guy you wanna turn to to feel cared for.  He is a douchenozzle and I am the only one that sees the true affect of his asshat ways.  So Angela realizes that she feels some inkling of feelings for John and decided to tell him right out.  He replies with a long message that seemed to be sentimental, until Angela recognized that he wasn’t reacting with the same feelings, but with stronger ones.  Towards Anna.  He said that he was trying to get over her using Angela, but he just couldn’t.  The worst part of it is that Anna knew and was taking it to her advantage.  She told Angela that she hoped that Angela would get John off of her back for a little while until Anna could properly juggle the THREE MEN she had on the hook.  So Angela walked away feeling vulnerable and used by two of the people closest to her.  Then she turned to me because she knew no one else would listen to what she had to say about the incident.  Anna pulled everyone to her side by having all the guys interested and keeping her like minded friends close (that means other manipulative, cheating, morally twisted, teenage girls).

Four days ago, Angela decided that she overreacted (which she didn’t) and wanted to apologize and work out what went wrong with everything.  So she and Anna made up and are back to being the best of friends.  There is still a sense of awkwardness, but that is because both of them are back to flirting shamelessly with John.

There is a new development though.  Today a group of us went to the strip mall and Angela told me of her plans to meet up with John later and hook up since her Friends-With-Benefits relationship just ended.  Angela actually forgot about meeting up with him and her phone had died so I thought we were getting off scott clean and my social circle wouldn’t dissolve.  But no, John showed up anyways and things got “sexual” according to Angela.  She now trusts me not to tell anyone about what happened but I am just so pissed off!  My social life was already in shambles, but now its crumbling around me and its only September!  I have to deal with these people until I graduate in June and I don’t think I can do it with the way everyone seems to be self destructing and trying to launch themselves out of the friend group.  Who am I kidding?  we aren’t friends anymore.  We are just a group of people too caught in formalities to cut off each other.  It is so toxic sometimes I can’t breathe when I am around them.  Someone please get me out of here.

-Ali