school

Just Another Lil Update

Hey there,

I’ve been watching a lot of indie films lately and that is giving me an inflated sense of understanding and enlightenment or whatever.  Anyways, I figured this was the right time for a little self reflection.

I reached out to a friend that I had in elementary school.  The way my school worked was that students were separated into only English speaking classes and Spanish Immersion classes.  I started out in English only and was best friends with this group of guys who were the weird kids that people don’t like.  Its kind of a theme throughout my life to befriend the weirdos.  Then I switched to Spanish and kinda stopped hanging out with them.  Anyways, I reached out because I hadn’t really talked to him since I was 8 or so and I have fond memories from the time I spent with him.  So when I messaged him on Facebook, it all seemed to go pretty well until he got very dark and was talking about how he is of no worth to society and I backed out.  I tried again a couple days later but then it felt like he was trying to hit on me or something, talking about wanting the company and embrace of a lover.  Yikes!  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I also saw this guy that reminded me of the 25 year old that I talked to for a really long time and I had a panic attack over it.  I just felt so crazy and overwhelmed about everything.  My boss kind of reminds me of him too, which makes me really uncomfortable whenever he tries to get to know me better.  I’ll talk more about Jason soon, the whole situation with him deserves it’s own post.

I’m still in shock over my stepmom too.  I just haven’t had any closure and it makes it really hard to move past her.  I no longer follow her on social media which helps, but I still avoid where she works and I still get really upset when I think about all the harm she put my family through.  It’s just really tough.

I have a high self esteem when it comes to me as an individual, but I have zip when it comes to what I perceive others to think of me.  I think I am pretty, funny, loyal, and smart, but I don’t think others see me that way at all.  Does that make sense?  I had a talk with a friend from high school recently at like 3 in the morning.  I told her about Jason because I’m still kinda reeling from it, and I said that he is the only person to ever show interest in me that I was also interested in.  She said that I was crazy and that I just don’t see it, but I really don’t think anyone else has seen me as a romantic interest.  I have lots of friends and family that loves me, so I’m okay because I know romantic love isn’t the most important, but it would be nice to have someone to confirm that my self perception is right and I don’t have an inflated sense of who I should be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy at college, but there was this guy I was kinda into and one of my friends was into him too, so obviously he went with her because she is skinny and pretty.  It’s just brought up a lot of feelings that don’t mix well with my contemplative personality after I watch too many indie movies.  I’m in a really good place, it’s just easier to write about sadness, right?

-Ali

New Lease on Life at College

Hey,

So in my most recent post I mentioned that college has been going better for me and it has.  If anyone is experiencing or experienced something similar to what I was, I just wanted to give a little advice for what worked in my case.

First of all,  I reached out to someone.  For me it was my mom.  She has always been really supportive of me and accepted that I might take a different path in life than she did.  So when I called because I kept almost crying in class and I felt really isolated, she was there to listen to me and offer guidance that I couldn’t see in my sad haze.  If you can’t reach out to your mom, maybe a close friend, even a stranger could be helpful.  If you need someone and you don’t have anyone, please feel free to reach out to me.  I have a couple social media accounts of mine on my “Find Me” page, so please talk to me if you need someone.

I then made an appointment with a counselor.  On my mom’s suggestion, like I said in my last one and the actual session went really well.  It was nice to have my problems and emotions be validated by a professional and he was really kind and offered solutions.  He made me feel more confident in approaching college life and understanding that it’s what I make of it.  I went back for another session two weeks later because it had already been set up, but it was mostly a “I am doing much better and I don’t think I need to come again because you were really helpful last time” thing.  I highly suggest seeking professional help because it worked really well for me.  For some people that might not be the case and I totally get that, but it is worth a shot if you find a good person to help.

Next is getting used to your own company.  I don’t remember where I heard this, but “College is the time you really get to know yourself, even in the hard times you find out how much you can take on and how strong you really can be.”  I started eating alone and sitting by myself in public.  When you do that, you can see just how many other people are doing the same thing and that can just make you feel better.  I am kind of an extrovert, so it was hard for me to not be around others all the time, but I have learned some great techniques to spend time with myself (i.e. watching Netflix, listening to music, coloring).  It’s really nice to learn more about who I want to be and how that affects my outlook.  Knowing and liking yourself is really important because you spend a lot of time with yourself just one on one.

This next one might not be right or feasible for everyone, but change your environment!  I lived in Poling Hall which is the party hall of campus and it really wasn’t the right fit for me.  I had difficulty sleeping, the people made me feel uncomfortable, and the room just didn’t feel like home.  I decided to move to my friend’s hall because when we would hang out, it just felt right for me.  I couldn’t really put my finger on it (other than the amazing showers), but I moved over and now I am just in a better place of mind.  It feels like a home that pales in  comparison to the real thing, but it is light-years better than the way I felt at Poling.  Even just making a place more cozy can change your emotions and lower your stress levels.  Maybe you can’t move, but try finding something that would make your home space more comfortable for you and see if that makes you feel better.  It worked for me at least!

Really, I am dong so much better.  That first week I felt like I had just jumped in a freezing pool.  Shocked at all the changes in my environment.  Now I’m getting used to the water and swimming around a bit.  College is hard and everyone feels a little lonely, even if they don’t look it.  That doesn’t really help me when I feel that way, but it does when I am out of it.  I hope this helps any of you going through something similar.  Again, please reach out to me if I can help you in any way.  I know what it feels like and I don’t want you to go through it alone.

-Ali

Counseling 

Yo,

So today I went to the Couseling center on campus and had a consultation because of how I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t know if it really helped, but it did make me feel like my problems are insignificant compared to people with real problems. People that were abused at home, people that are suicidal. What is a little anxiety and depression compared to that?

It was only a consultation, but the woman made me feel like my problems weren’t big enough to be seeking help. When I finished talking about this isolation that is eating my insides and the fear that I have of my unknown surroundings, she immediately said “I don’t mean to negate your feelings, but it’s only the first week.” I don’t know about you, but that did not make me feel safe. I just shut down basically and had to sit there while she was setting up my first session and listen to her offer her two cents.

I’m doing this for my mom. She wants me to be successful on campus so she worries when I call home and say that I’m not feeling 100%. I’m meeting an advisor that specializes in first generation college kids later this week and I think that will be more helpful. Her job is to help me stay enrolled on campus and feel more involved. THAT is what I need. I’m really skeptical of this counseling session.

I’m also pissed that I’ll have to miss class. The whole point of me going to college is to learn and I’d rather do that.

I just feel like she was not supportive of me and the issues I’m facing. Yeah, I’m sure that lady has seen a lot of shit,  but she only knows that one part of my person. She doesn’t know my past or why I’m feeling this way. She just thinks it’s first week blues. Oh well. I guess I’ll go.

-Ali

P.S. I wrote this about a month ago, I think its important to my progress to still post it and I’ll make another update post because I’m feeling a lot better and more confident now.  Counseling actually went really good, but I’ll post more about that later.

Big Changes

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, but for some reason WordPress just wasn’t working. It wouldn’t let me save drafts or post anything.

Since my last post, I took a trip to Disneyland, I did my IB exams, my dad and stepmom divorced, I went to Prom and was basically ditched by my best friend/date, graduated high school, and now I am a college student. Oregon State University, baby! Go Beavs!

Disneyland was a lot of fun, I got to hang out with my brother a lot, but my dad and stepmom were having relationship troubles, so he and I got stuck with a stepbrother each, so I didn’t really get to spend a lot of time with my dad. I love all the rides and everything, I just wanted time with my family. At least the ones that I really wanted to be around.

IB exams were stressful as hell and super terrifying. It just kinda thrust me into this state of mind where nothing mattered because I was done. I got pretty depressed the week leading up to my final test because of the schedule I had a whole week between my second to last and last test. That was great. Then I did get my IB Diploma, 26 points!

Then I found out my stepmom had left my dad during the time period of my exams, which put a strain on me to stay focused on studying. She officially moved out Memorial Day Weekend, packed up all her shit and left the house a mess. My dad is doing better now, divorce has been filed for about a month and he has been dating a woman since the beginning of summer. She seems nice, I’ve only met her once though. He is really happy. My dad deserves a win.

I looked absolutely amazing at prom, my best friend Penny and I were easily the prettiest girls there. My other best friend Edward was supposed to be my “date” meaning we were going to match and hang out together the whole time. He ended up dancing with his other friends the whole night and only came up to me at the end to ask if I was ready to leave. Needless to say, I was pissed. It was our last high school dance for goodness sakes! So he apologized, saying that his other friends wouldn’t let him leave, but I don’t buy that. I just hung out with two of my friends that are dating and we had fun. I look back it was a fun night, even if Edward totally ditched me.

Then I graduated high school! That was really stressful. I wasn’t close with many people, but it was hard to say goodbye to those I thought I was close with. I just have a problem where I think I’m close with a person and they don’t think so or they think we’re close and I don’t think so. No one in between so I felt pretty isolated. All summer I spent time with family, getting closer and saying goodbye.

When I moved down to Corvallis for college, it was so hard to say goodbye to my brother and mom. They’ve always been huge supporters of me and what I want to do with my life. Now I’m a week into college and its been really tough. I have made zero friends, my couple friends that go here too have only hung out with me a couple times but mostly are spending time with their new friends, and I’m not the biggest fan of my roommate. She isn’t interested in many of the same things I am and she has a personality that I don’t mesh well with.

I just feel really alone right now. So alone. I don’t know if I can make it another week here. I’m considering asking my mom to come pick me up next weekend because I am just so depressed here. I don’t know how to make friends and I don’t know how to exist on my own here. I’ve always had a large group of friends around me, but now it’s radio silence from everyone. I’ve been distracting myself with TV shows and the like, but what happens when I’ve exhausted those options? Who will I be here? No one knows me and no one seems to want to know me.

People always say that college is the best time of your life, but so far it has been pretty awful. Is it like this for anyone else? Am I the only one that feels like this? Because it sure feels that way. I’ve never felt such daunting loneliness in my life before. It really hurts.

-Ali

World Breaking Apart

Hi there!
So the title of this post is a reference to a poem we read in my English class by Louise Gluck. She is a really good poet if your into that kinda thing. It’s about things falling, breaking, becoming useless. That’s kinda how I feel right now. I’m breaking apart, fracturing into an infinite yet insignificant number of pieces.
I’m over halfway through my Senior year of high school and I feel like I’m finally giving up. It doesn’t feel like I am, but when I look at all the deadlines fast approaching I just kinda sit down and accept my fate of procrastination and not turning things in. Tomorrow I have a part of a HUGE mega-important paper due, but I have forgotten about it for the past week and now I have no want to write it because I know I won’t have it finished. I feel like I’m no longer good enough to go to this school, like I’ve reached my peak academically. That is a terrifying though because I still have four months left till graduation and after that four more years of education. I feel like I’m not fit to continue. I keep comparing myself to other students at my school and thinking that they deserve to be here and go all the places they want to in life, but I am a lazy poser who doesn’t deserve to continue. I am literally procrastinating 5 separate assignments for my classes right now because I have no control over what I do. No will power whatsoever. I am incapable of controlling myself to schedule my workload or my health in any way. I want to be healthy and go to the gym and not eat veggie sticks on the couch till i feel like I’ll puke. I don’t want to feel bad about myself or disassociate, but I can’t control myself.
My mom doesn’t seem to understand that I have these feelings. Whenever I touch on them, she tries to fix it or tell me that everyone feels this way. She tries to soothe, but she only sees the parts I let her see. The parts that I carefully present to see if I can get help. Even right now as she sits at the other end of the couch, thinking I’m doing homework like a good student, like her daughter, focusing on trying to fix her flailing relationship, she doesn’t even see the tears in my eyes as I write this.
At least I have control over that. I can compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings to the point that I don’t even notice it until it’s too late. I put up walls without even knowing anymore. I think that I’m sharing with my friends to the point that I overshare, but they don’t even know half of my pain. I haven’t cried for the last four family deaths and I was really close to all of them. They passed and I never cried. My mom says that it’s me “being the strong family anchor”. But I honestly just don’t feel anything. I forget about it or think of a way I could bring it up to gain support with out looking like I need it. I act as if they were never actually there. That scares me a lot.
I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Maybe it fits my need to be fulfilled and loved and I can pretend that someone out there cares in the quiet and watches as I slowly deteriorate. I know that I use this as a way to share without feeling like I need to hide a part of myself. I can imagine that no one will ever read this just like I can imagine that everyone will read this. So I can feel free to say what I can and need to on my soap box while still having that sense of comfort and well being. The internet is funny like that.
I’d always hoped that somehow, someway, I could reach someone out there that feels like I do, that feels the weight of the world on their smile, that has to fill the cracks in their persona everyday because new ones always seem to show up. Someone that understands my pain without suffocating me.
I suppose I should fake being done with my homework now because a good cry seem to be in order. I don’t like crying, but sometimes it helps and I already feel like I’m about to, so why not?
-Ali

Schooltime Blues

Heya

Welp, I still feel like shit so that’s nice.  Everything just feels like it’s cracking and crumbling.

At school, I don’t really have friends. I have two that are actually friends while basically the rest of the people I hang out with are toxic messes.  Then there’s my teachers who I don’t connect with at all.  My mom says it’s because I come off as an independent person, but I think it’s because I’m not noticeable.  I’m kinda in the middle for my grades, I don’t speak out in class unless I’m called on, and I rarely have questions or ask for help.  It seems everyone around me has a close relationship with a teacher as a mentor or someone they can talk to besides their parents or something.  What am I even doing there if I don’t have good interactions with others?  

I feel like the only person that hears me is my mom and even that is rare because I don’t want to seem like a burden to others.  All I want is to have reliable friends and to be close to a teacher so I feel safer at school. 

Instead I just feel like nothing. Like I don’t even matter.

-Ali

Family Fun Times

Greetings, fellow traveler!

Welp. My week has been shitty. Starting with my birthday where my mom said that she didn’t want to actively pursue relationships with her family anymore and kinda pushed everyone out and away after my party. Then later that night, Jason spilled the beans that my dad and stepmom, Lisa, were thinking about getting divorced while I could here my mom and stepdad, Gerald, having a screaming match over who knows what downstairs.

The next day I stayed up until 6 in the morning working on my Extended Essay which I need to pass in order to graduate. Then I spent the week in a slump because I was overtired and stressing over my parents romantic lives. I don’t think I or they could survive divorces again. On top of that I was freaking out about college applications and scholarships and money because I definitely need some if I plan to continue my education. Though my mom says not to worry about money, I definitely do because I know she didn’t ask for two kids that need to live and need to have things in order to survive. It is super stressful and I know I just keep adding to it and making it worse on her.

Today, I had to turn in a form for ordering stuff for my graduation. I was still stressed and tired and freaking out over all of the relationships in my life failing. There was a long ass line of other Seniors behind me wanting to turn in their forms. I was hella confused about what was in the form. The guy asked a question and all I heard was “It’ll cost more money.” So I said no and went with the less expensive one without asking anymore questions. Now my mom is super pissed at me because she had a bad day and I did a stupid thing by not telling her that I changed the form because I wasn’t prepared to think that what I kinda wanted cost more than what she had planned. I made a stupid decision that ruined her night and now I am sitting at the dinner table alone while my mom sits in the living room and reads, trying to cry quietly so I don’t fuck up her night more.

How was your week?

-Ali