I’ve been watching a lot of indie films lately and that is giving me an inflated sense of understanding and enlightenment or whatever. Anyways, I figured this was the right time for a little self reflection.
I reached out to a friend that I had in elementary school. The way my school worked was that students were separated into only English speaking classes and Spanish Immersion classes. I started out in English only and was best friends with this group of guys who were the weird kids that people don’t like. Its kind of a theme throughout my life to befriend the weirdos. Then I switched to Spanish and kinda stopped hanging out with them. Anyways, I reached out because I hadn’t really talked to him since I was 8 or so and I have fond memories from the time I spent with him. So when I messaged him on Facebook, it all seemed to go pretty well until he got very dark and was talking about how he is of no worth to society and I backed out. I tried again a couple days later but then it felt like he was trying to hit on me or something, talking about wanting the company and embrace of a lover. Yikes! I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
I also saw this guy that reminded me of the 25 year old that I talked to for a really long time and I had a panic attack over it. I just felt so crazy and overwhelmed about everything. My boss kind of reminds me of him too, which makes me really uncomfortable whenever he tries to get to know me better. I’ll talk more about Jason soon, the whole situation with him deserves it’s own post.
I’m still in shock over my stepmom too. I just haven’t had any closure and it makes it really hard to move past her. I no longer follow her on social media which helps, but I still avoid where she works and I still get really upset when I think about all the harm she put my family through. It’s just really tough.
I have a high self esteem when it comes to me as an individual, but I have zip when it comes to what I perceive others to think of me. I think I am pretty, funny, loyal, and smart, but I don’t think others see me that way at all. Does that make sense? I had a talk with a friend from high school recently at like 3 in the morning. I told her about Jason because I’m still kinda reeling from it, and I said that he is the only person to ever show interest in me that I was also interested in. She said that I was crazy and that I just don’t see it, but I really don’t think anyone else has seen me as a romantic interest. I have lots of friends and family that loves me, so I’m okay because I know romantic love isn’t the most important, but it would be nice to have someone to confirm that my self perception is right and I don’t have an inflated sense of who I should be.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy at college, but there was this guy I was kinda into and one of my friends was into him too, so obviously he went with her because she is skinny and pretty. It’s just brought up a lot of feelings that don’t mix well with my contemplative personality after I watch too many indie movies. I’m in a really good place, it’s just easier to write about sadness, right?