tobias

My Wicked Stepmother

Heya,

I know that it’s a cheesy title, but I couldn’t think of anything else, okay?

I’m still really angry about my stepmom and my dad’s divorce and I don’t know why.  I mean, I never really dealt with the divorce or how it affects me, so I knew it would catch up with me eventually.  It just sucks that it is overshadowing everything else right now.  It is filling every interaction I have with people around me and I think I just need to talk about it for a little bit to get my head on straight.

Over the course of the last year or so of their marriage, Lisa threatened to leave my dad about once every six weeks.  The first time she just started to pack up her shit without telling him and hid all of the boxes in the garage.  She enlisted his niece to help her without her knowing what was going on.  I didn’t find out about it until my 18th birthday.  I was talking to Jason and he told me she left.  She was back before I knew it, keeping my dad in constant turmoil.

During that year, I was considering opting out of visiting my dad every other weekend because he had seemingly stopped caring about Tobias and I.  I cried every time I was over there because I could feel the lack of love in that house and I thought it was directed at me.  It was awful.  My dad would hide away in his office, playing video games and avoiding the confrontation of his wife.  I thought that it was all my dad’s fault, but it turns out it was the terrible person that is no longer my stepmother.

They almost split for good in April, but my dad didn’t want my stepbrothers to miss out on Disneyland when we went, so they toughed it out for the kids.  Tobias and I spent the whole time trying to keep our stepbrothers out of their way so they could try to work on their marriage.  I spent so little time with my dad that week and so much time being angry about how Lisa had treated him and angry because this was one of the last things I’d get to do with my dad before heading off to college.  Tobias and I felt terrible the entire time and we were separated from the rest of the family because we knew everything about what was going on and we didn’t approve.

It didn’t even matter because she asked for a divorce in May, in the middle of my IB exams, and my dad didn’t want to fight it anymore.  They were both unhappy.  I thought it was my dad’s fault at first, but then I started to get little bits and pieces of information that made me realize that though they both were at fault, she was awful to him.

She had been talking to a guy for a long time while still with my dad.  He found the texts in her phone on accident, including pictures that she sent this guy of herself, assumedly naked.  She said there wasn’t anything to worry about.  He let it go, but then he went to meet her at the bar one day for lunch, half the pizza on the table was gone and the guy was sitting at the bar.  It just kept continuing like that until the divorce after which he saw her in his truck and heard rumors of her having sex with him in a Fred Meyer’s fitting room.

And I mean, yeah, this all hurt, but I am in so much pain over how she treated me.  She is just such a selfish person and that makes it really hard to get over how she treated me.  I feel selfish because I am so focused on how she hurt me and Tobias, but my dad got over the long dead marriage really fast.  He is happy in a new relationship and for some reason that makes it hurt more.  If he can move on, why can’t I?  What is the big deal about a stepdaughter who is going off to college?  Apparently nothing to her.

I wanted for the longest time to go and give her a piece of my mind, but I know I wouldn’t be able to get through it since I still haven’t had any closure and she wouldn’t care at all.  She is such a coward and a selfish person that she would run away and not care about all the pain she caused me.

She was my maternal figure.  She was my friend.  I was her Maid of Honor.  I knew so much about her and I was there for her like she was there for me.  Except she wasn’t there for me.  The whole time she couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of her kids and supporting her husband’s.  She just left me.  She’s gone.

It’s not that I want her back, it’s more like I want closure.  I want her to recognize all the shit she put me through.  I trusted her with my heart which I have a really hard time doing with anyone and she dropped it and ran away.  How could someone do that to another human being?  How could she do that to someone she called her daughter?  And I can’t talk to anyone about it because no one else would understand how I can hate her and miss her and hate myself for missing her all at once.  It’s just a lot for one person to deal with.

I know I’ll get through this, but I just want to be over her already.

-Ali

Big Changes

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile, but for some reason WordPress just wasn’t working. It wouldn’t let me save drafts or post anything.

Since my last post, I took a trip to Disneyland, I did my IB exams, my dad and stepmom divorced, I went to Prom and was basically ditched by my best friend/date, graduated high school, and now I am a college student. Oregon State University, baby! Go Beavs!

Disneyland was a lot of fun, I got to hang out with my brother a lot, but my dad and stepmom were having relationship troubles, so he and I got stuck with a stepbrother each, so I didn’t really get to spend a lot of time with my dad. I love all the rides and everything, I just wanted time with my family. At least the ones that I really wanted to be around.

IB exams were stressful as hell and super terrifying. It just kinda thrust me into this state of mind where nothing mattered because I was done. I got pretty depressed the week leading up to my final test because of the schedule I had a whole week between my second to last and last test. That was great. Then I did get my IB Diploma, 26 points!

Then I found out my stepmom had left my dad during the time period of my exams, which put a strain on me to stay focused on studying. She officially moved out Memorial Day Weekend, packed up all her shit and left the house a mess. My dad is doing better now, divorce has been filed for about a month and he has been dating a woman since the beginning of summer. She seems nice, I’ve only met her once though. He is really happy. My dad deserves a win.

I looked absolutely amazing at prom, my best friend Penny and I were easily the prettiest girls there. My other best friend Edward was supposed to be my “date” meaning we were going to match and hang out together the whole time. He ended up dancing with his other friends the whole night and only came up to me at the end to ask if I was ready to leave. Needless to say, I was pissed. It was our last high school dance for goodness sakes! So he apologized, saying that his other friends wouldn’t let him leave, but I don’t buy that. I just hung out with two of my friends that are dating and we had fun. I look back it was a fun night, even if Edward totally ditched me.

Then I graduated high school! That was really stressful. I wasn’t close with many people, but it was hard to say goodbye to those I thought I was close with. I just have a problem where I think I’m close with a person and they don’t think so or they think we’re close and I don’t think so. No one in between so I felt pretty isolated. All summer I spent time with family, getting closer and saying goodbye.

When I moved down to Corvallis for college, it was so hard to say goodbye to my brother and mom. They’ve always been huge supporters of me and what I want to do with my life. Now I’m a week into college and its been really tough. I have made zero friends, my couple friends that go here too have only hung out with me a couple times but mostly are spending time with their new friends, and I’m not the biggest fan of my roommate. She isn’t interested in many of the same things I am and she has a personality that I don’t mesh well with.

I just feel really alone right now. So alone. I don’t know if I can make it another week here. I’m considering asking my mom to come pick me up next weekend because I am just so depressed here. I don’t know how to make friends and I don’t know how to exist on my own here. I’ve always had a large group of friends around me, but now it’s radio silence from everyone. I’ve been distracting myself with TV shows and the like, but what happens when I’ve exhausted those options? Who will I be here? No one knows me and no one seems to want to know me.

People always say that college is the best time of your life, but so far it has been pretty awful. Is it like this for anyone else? Am I the only one that feels like this? Because it sure feels that way. I’ve never felt such daunting loneliness in my life before. It really hurts.

-Ali