vent

Just Another Lil Update

Hey there,

I’ve been watching a lot of indie films lately and that is giving me an inflated sense of understanding and enlightenment or whatever.  Anyways, I figured this was the right time for a little self reflection.

I reached out to a friend that I had in elementary school.  The way my school worked was that students were separated into only English speaking classes and Spanish Immersion classes.  I started out in English only and was best friends with this group of guys who were the weird kids that people don’t like.  Its kind of a theme throughout my life to befriend the weirdos.  Then I switched to Spanish and kinda stopped hanging out with them.  Anyways, I reached out because I hadn’t really talked to him since I was 8 or so and I have fond memories from the time I spent with him.  So when I messaged him on Facebook, it all seemed to go pretty well until he got very dark and was talking about how he is of no worth to society and I backed out.  I tried again a couple days later but then it felt like he was trying to hit on me or something, talking about wanting the company and embrace of a lover.  Yikes!  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I also saw this guy that reminded me of the 25 year old that I talked to for a really long time and I had a panic attack over it.  I just felt so crazy and overwhelmed about everything.  My boss kind of reminds me of him too, which makes me really uncomfortable whenever he tries to get to know me better.  I’ll talk more about Jason soon, the whole situation with him deserves it’s own post.

I’m still in shock over my stepmom too.  I just haven’t had any closure and it makes it really hard to move past her.  I no longer follow her on social media which helps, but I still avoid where she works and I still get really upset when I think about all the harm she put my family through.  It’s just really tough.

I have a high self esteem when it comes to me as an individual, but I have zip when it comes to what I perceive others to think of me.  I think I am pretty, funny, loyal, and smart, but I don’t think others see me that way at all.  Does that make sense?  I had a talk with a friend from high school recently at like 3 in the morning.  I told her about Jason because I’m still kinda reeling from it, and I said that he is the only person to ever show interest in me that I was also interested in.  She said that I was crazy and that I just don’t see it, but I really don’t think anyone else has seen me as a romantic interest.  I have lots of friends and family that loves me, so I’m okay because I know romantic love isn’t the most important, but it would be nice to have someone to confirm that my self perception is right and I don’t have an inflated sense of who I should be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy at college, but there was this guy I was kinda into and one of my friends was into him too, so obviously he went with her because she is skinny and pretty.  It’s just brought up a lot of feelings that don’t mix well with my contemplative personality after I watch too many indie movies.  I’m in a really good place, it’s just easier to write about sadness, right?

-Ali

It’s a Family Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown!

Hello and welcome!

Today is Thanksgiving, a day where we are supposed to appreciate all that we are given in life.  Instead of this gracious warmth that we are supposed to enjoy, I am sitting in the corner of a house full of people that I don’t know.

My grandma died in June of last year and she always hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas when I was at my dad’s.  So the last two years my cousin has hosted at her house. With her whole baby daddy’s family.  So now my brother Tobias and I are sitting in the corner all awkward surrounded by a bunch of sketchy people that are all drunk, high, or both that my dad and paternal stepfamily know, but we don’t.

I just feel left out and that’s a really shitty thing to feel on a day that has always meant being around family for me.  I’m compensating by writing my college essays and updating my blog to try and vent my sadness.  Happy Thanksgiving.

-Ali

Stress and Ventilation

Hey there!

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?  I guess I’ve just been really busy.  Sometimes it gets hard to keep up on what I enjoy doing compared to what I have to do.  With Junior year almost over, the teachers are kicking it into high gear as the Seniors are on their way out.  Also they are now realizing that we are way behind schedule and haven’t learned anything the last 7 months (as it goes every year).

On the subject of school (what else do I talk about?), I recently got a 112 out of 296 on a Standard Level Math (trigonometry, specifically) test and now I am getting a tutor to try and help with that.  I’m not the only one that did really bad on that test, but I’d rather do better.  It’s funny that I now have a D in math when I got a 29 on my ACT, but I’m over it at this point.  I’m just worried about the stigma of getting a tutor and how that will affect me mentally.

Truthfully, I don’t really care about a lot anymore.  Sure, I may act like I still have interests, but this IB program is KILLING me and it doesn’t even have very good benefits in the long run.  I have stopped having interests because I have no time.  An example is this blog, I haven’t been on it as often as I would like due to the constant projects that I have to write or present.  I am actually excited for the lock-in my school is hosting on Saturday to work on our Extended Essays.  That way I can interact with my friends without falling behind in my work.

Maybe I should get a therapist.  I cry due to stress at least once a week lately and I have a severe lack of my usual bubbly personality.  I’ve started to fake being the “Normal Me” to keep my friends and family happy because they rely on me always being interactive, in a sense.  If I’m not happy, things start cracking and people start fighting.  That puts too much pressure on a 17 year old girl just trying to figure out what is going on.  I made this blog to help alleviate the stress and pressure of my surroundings and all of the people that want me to be there for them, but it has kind of been taken away from me due to my responsibilities.  I want to ventilate and finally breathe so I can feel like myself again.  I don’t know how to make that happen.

-Ali

The Strife of a Teenager

Guess who is procrastinating again! It’s me!

Being a Junior at a school that is full IB is kinda hectic because of the heavy course load and the shift from MYP grading to IB, which is all percentages which I’ve never dealt with before.  Instead of reading 14 chapters of Wuthering Heights, picking a topic and 3 sources for my written Spanish assignment, doing 20 math problems and a page reflection on my progress in SL Math, practicing and memorizing 8 measures on piano (which I have never touched in my life, it’s harder than you think) for Music Theory, memorizing 8 songs for 3 choral performances over the next week, or researching how do determine if there are proteins in a solution and performing it, I am writing a new blog post to stop myself from freaking out over how all of this will make or break my future.  If I don’t pass, I definitely won’t get into college and it is already hard enough trying to get a job on the world right now.

I wish I didn’t see how much my grades are pushing me off the deep end.  I am trying to keep up with everything going on in school and my life and it is killing me.  I have to be present in my family and happy at all times or it pisses off my step-dad and he will bitch to my mom who will fight with him over my actions rather than him coming to me with his problems.  I have to get all of my work done, make sure my room is clean, exercise, socialize, relax, and sleep.  I can’t do it all and right now I am really cracking.  My panic attacks and anxiety attacks are becoming more frequent and I don’t know if I can continue to function like this.  I am afraid to ask for anxiety meds because is a stigma around mental issues and I’m worried that I will be seen as something broken or tainted because I break down so often over the massiveness of my responsibilities and my future.  I don’t want to keep feeling this way but I also don’t want to ask for help with this because people will look at me differently.

Right now my brain has blown a gasket because of all the work I have so I am trying to calm down by writing, but it is just getting worse because the time is slipping away and I still have so much to do.  When people say teenagers have it easy, they don’t have any idea what is really going on with our lives.

-Ali